New Scientific Discovery!!!

  1. Science Flash! New Element is Discovered at Local Hospital!" Without intended offense, regular contributor Teri Salisbury (herself an administrator!) tells us the following earth-shattering news from the Lab. Teri thinks that this "bulletin" may have originated with Amy Bretts at Indiana University.

    The heaviest element ever discovered by researchers has recently been reported by physicists.
    The element, tentatively named

    ADMINISTRATIUM, appears to be very closely related to BUREAUCRATIUM -- a known deadly poison.

    ADMINISTRATIUM has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic number of 0.
    Early tests, however, suggest that it does have:
    - one neutron
    - 125 Assistant Neutrons
    - 75 Vice Neutrons, and
    - 111 Assistant Vice Nuetrons, which together give it an atomic mass of 312.

    Properties: These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called MORONS.

    It is also surrounded by vast quantities of Lepton-like particles called PEONS.
    Since it has no electrons, ADMINISTRATIUM is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with.

    According to its discoverers, a minute amount of ADMINISTRATIUM causes a simple reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally have occurred in less than a second.

    ADMINISTRATIUM has a normal half-life of approximately Three Years, at which time it does not decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in which Assistant Neutrons, Vice Neutrons, and Assistant Vice Neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

    Occurrences: Research at numerous laboratories nationwide indicates that that ADMINISTRATIUM occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as hospitals and medical centers, healthcare corporate offices, government agencies, and universities.

    ADMINISTRATIUM can usually be found in the newest, best-appointed, and best-maintained buildings.

    Scientists point out that ADMINISTRATIUM is known to be toxic at any level of concentration, and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate.

    Attempts are being made to determine how ADMINISTRATIUM can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but early results are said to not be very promising
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  2. 3 Comments

  3. by   regnifne
    Good one!
  4. by   mustangsheba
    This is great and just in time for me to cite in my paper. Thanks!!
  5. by   Hypoxic Pixel Eyes
    Rick,
    I believe research will indicate that ADMINISTRATIUM impeeds substrate reactions it comes in contact by blocking important enzymes in those reactions such as Commonsenserase and Bipartisanesterase, thus preventing the formation of Respectfornursingsacrificium.
    In earlier research ADMINISTRATIUM was shown to have blocked the formation of Respectfornursingsacrificium in cultures of Media advisia thepublicus by way of acting as an coenzyme producing large amounts of ********erase that also seems to preserve ADMINISTRATIUMs' polarity with Grosslyoverpaidium, although scientist are baffled by where the two elements might actually connect to eachother since ADMINISTRATIUM is even for such a large and apparently powerful element for the most part invisible and only is observed in the presence of Coverourownassesinthelayingofblameium and Lameproposalofconductingastudyabouttheproblemium. These two elements although the product of an reaction don't seem to have any natural function in its enviroment and are of course compleatly dysfunctional.
    Some success in obtaining Respectfornursingsacrificium is an reaction between ADMINISTRATIUM and a powerful enzyme called Clampyourballsinavicemakingyousympathetictonusingc areissuesase. Two such experiments are being conducted in Ohio and Minnesota with this powerful enzyme at this time and scientists are hopeful further research will reveal an actual use for ADMINISTRATIUM in the near future.
    Reporting for The Plumbers Network,
    Peeps Mcarthur.

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