Domestic Abuse Assessment - pg.5 | allnurses

Domestic Abuse Assessment - page 7

I was all of 18 when I met my first husband. It was three days after 9/11 and my stepmother had just kicked me out of the house. I had no place to go. I went out with a girlfriend and met this... Read More

  1. Visit  qt2168 profile page
    1
    I want to let you know that you have made a difference on how I approach my patients. I will ask that question and truly try to find out if my patient is having any domestic issue. Thank you for sharing.
    opdahlamber likes this.
  2. Visit  bxpansive profile page
    2
    "Because domestic violence is so common in our society, we ask everyone... have you been hurt by anyone close to you? Are you afraid at home?"

    Thank you for giving me, us, the words. It seems to simple, but to have you write out the sentence eliminates one more obstacle to creating a safe environment and to ask the question.

    I sat on a jury the other day for a case of violating a do-not-contact order of the court. The husband had violated the order. His wife had a number of children by a previous marriage and they had one together. They had been together for about a decade. The woman testified that he was not physically violent but he was a stalker - while they lived together and after they had separated. She had begun with a protection order about 2 months before he was arrested for violating it. She had not filed for divorce at the time of this trial, 9 months after obtaining the first protection order, but she had recently moved to another town to live with another man. It was a criminal case. During her testimony many of us on the jury wondered about her behavior as well as his. There was tremendous co-dependence on both their parts. We found him guilty. After the judge had completed the case, he told us of his experience with these kinds of cases and people.

    The judge said that this guy had already been in court previously for violating the protection order and the do-not-contact order. That he was getting close to being locked up for the violations. It seems that it takes many violations to get sent to jail. Again, there was no physical violence in this case, but obviously there was emotional and psychic violation. During the trial and with the judge afterwards, it was argued and explained that the constant phone, text, and email contact (all violations) created a climate where the woman felt a need to reciprocate, even initiate, contact in order to try to keep things "stable."

    The judge went on to say that there are a lot of men who violate these protection and do-not-contact orders over and over and end up in court many times. They often admit in court or to the police that, yes, they have violated the orders. This was true in our case, as well. This judge had seen this defendant multiple times already. He kind of said, these guys are crazy because they just won't stop even after being brought to court over and over and admitting that they are violating the orders.

    As many people have illustrated, domestic abuse gets really complicated and it takes a lot of time and energy to extract oneself from these relationships or to help someone to get out.
    Last edit by bxpansive on Aug 28, '13 : Reason: Forgot something.
    Esme12 and opdahlamber like this.
  3. Visit  GoalsInTransition profile page
    4
    What a crazy coincidence that I happened to log in to AN today and to see your article. Last night, my sister's live-in BF was arrested for holding her and their 1 year old son at knife-point, in a drunken rage. This is yet another chapter in his book of verbal and physical abuse under the influence of ETOH and various street drugs. My sister has had little contact with any of us, though we have called and texted to remind her that she is loved.

    Thank you for sharing your story, your courage, and your healing. I hope my sister can find a similar path of peace for herself and her son.

    I will certainly look for opportunities to ask my patients and family members about this important issue, in honor of my sister and the many women (and men) like her and like you, who deserve to live free from abuse. Be blessed!
    A&Ox6, opdahlamber, Elvish, and 1 other like this.
  4. Visit  opdahlamber profile page
    2
    Alot of you have made comments about the next step. Currently, I am fighting my rear end off to be able to answer this. THERE IS VERY LITTLE HELP!!!!! You make the assessment, she (or he) says "yes, I am being abused AND I'm ready to leave. Help me." And right now, you hand them a list of numbers and tell them, "realistically, none of these will help you." My dream is to be able to say, OK, here is the number you can call for someone who will place you in a temporary home with a volunteer OUTSIDE your area that will let you stay there till you find a home. They will help you with daycare. Here is a number of an employer in that area who WILL hire you for maybe not a lot of money but some. Here is a number of a lawyer who will help you pro bono to make sure your kids stay with you. Here is the number for .... fill in the blank with whatever they need. I'm trying to build a network of people to help do this. Meet people. DO what you can to help build this network. Contact lawyers, tell them what you are working for. Ask if they will hep. Contact businesses to help donate money Start a fund at the clinics and hospitals you work at. One thing. DO NOT REFER THESE VICTIMS TO YOUR HUMAN SERVICES DEPARTMENT! They will be prosecuted for allowing their children to be present during these assaults! I had to work for 6 months to appeal a FOUNDED child abuse on MY record off because I "allowed" my ex husband to abuse me in front of my son. These things are realistic and CAN be done. We just have to work for it.
    Ir15hd4nc3r_RN and Esme12 like this.
  5. Visit  Esme12 profile page
    2
    Unfortunately, it is difficult to get help for these victims......for they are adults. They don't make the greatest decisions. I once went to court as a nurse for a woman who was severely beaten by her law enforcement husband on valentines day in front of their 4 year old child......he drug her unconscious to their apartment left her and went down the hall with their child for a few more drinks with his friends. He pulverized her face.

    When it got to court, at the bench trial (no jury) she refused to testify...his lawyer badgered me that her facial wounds "Were not that bad" ans that they "both participated" in the argument. I remember the look on that man's face as they gave him back his gun and badge. I was fearful for a while about ramifications.

    I always thought...he's going to kill her one day......I never knew what happened nor did I check. I moved.

    But if you can help just one. It's worth the question.
    cardiacfreak and GrnTea like this.
  6. Visit  Imarisk2 profile page
    2
    I remember the day I was asked that question and struggled to say, "Yes, I am safe." I did, after qualifying it with the fact that "he gets angry a lot....once he shoved me, but he wouldn't hurt me". The practitioner paused, looked me in the eye, and said something about making sure I had a safe place to go when things got worse, and he handed me a card of phone numbers to call for help. I hid it in my shoe.

    That was the first inkling I had that I was in trouble, and my relationship was unsafe. One part of me tried to get rid of that card ( I threw it in the trash several times then got it out), but another part of me couldn't bear to let it go. Somehow just having that card gave me permission to contemplate safe places. Many months later when I was finally ready to admit I needed a way to get myself out, I turned to that card and found a direction.

    Thank you for sharing your story, and reminding us how important those assessments are. Just remember that not every woman is ready to face the truth right away, and that we must respect where they are in the process of escaping. The most important thing we can do is recognize their need and offer them the next step out.
    A&Ox6 and GrnTea like this.
  7. Visit  07302003 profile page
    0
    Because of things that happened in my past I donate monthly to a domestic violence organization where I live.
    I had the education and family support to get out of a bad situation.
    I'm able to support myself.
    But not everyone is, and not everyone has family to turn to.
    Many of these organization also help rape survivors. There is nothing more infuriating or humiliating than to have to pay for your therapy as a rape survivor.
    We have many charitable causes we support - these are mine.
  8. Visit  ant2cory profile page
    0
    Quote from futurenursgteacher
    Alot of you have made comments about the next step. Currently, I am fighting my rear end off to be able to answer this. THERE IS VERY LITTLE HELP!!!!! You make the assessment, she (or he) says "yes, I am being abused AND I'm ready to leave. Help me." And right now, you hand them a list of numbers and tell them, "realistically, none of these will help you." My dream is to be able to say, OK, here is the number you can call for someone who will place you in a temporary home with a volunteer OUTSIDE your area that will let you stay there till you find a home. They will help you with daycare. Here is a number of an employer in that area who WILL hire you for maybe not a lot of money but some. Here is a number of a lawyer who will help you pro bono to make sure your kids stay with you. Here is the number for .... fill in the blank with whatever they need. I'm trying to build a network of people to help do this. Meet people. DO what you can to help build this network. Contact lawyers, tell them what you are working for. Ask if they will hep. Contact businesses to help donate money Start a fund at the clinics and hospitals you work at. One thing. DO NOT REFER THESE VICTIMS TO YOUR HUMAN SERVICES DEPARTMENT! They will be prosecuted for allowing their children to be present during these assaults! I had to work for 6 months to appeal a FOUNDED child abuse on MY record off because I "allowed" my ex husband to abuse me in front of my son. These things are realistic and CAN be done. We just have to work for it.
    I would love to be in your network of people who help make these changes! Please let me know how to help. I am a fellow survivor and know the true difficulties of actually receiving any help.
  9. Visit  GrnTea profile page
    2
    Quote from 07302003
    Because of things that happened in my past I donate monthly to a domestic violence organization where I live.
    I had the education and family support to get out of a bad situation.
    I'm able to support myself.
    But not everyone is, and not everyone has family to turn to.
    Many of these organization also help rape survivors. There is nothing more infuriating or humiliating than to have to pay for your therapy as a rape survivor.
    We have many charitable causes we support - these are mine.
    My sweet husband donates money to the local women's shelter/rape crisis center every Mother's Day to honor me, even though I was not involved with them (I was on the other side of the country). I do love this man.
    A&Ox6 and opdahlamber like this.
  10. Visit  A&Ox6 profile page
    3
    As a victim of child abuse, both physical and emotional, I implore you to not only ask the questions, but make sure you listen, but just with your ears, but your heart as well.

    I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for suicidal thoughts the night after a significant attack. I was assessed on admission and asked about a new scar on the small if my back. I explained that it was a carpet burn. There were no further questions.


    The next day I was transferred to a different hospital. Same body scan, scab marked on
    body map, identified as carpet burn, no further questions.
    I was discharged a few days later. I returned everyday for two weeks for partial hospitalization. Each day I had a body search, each day the scab was noted by different staff. Each day I said the same thing. I even said it was from my mom. Still no further assessment. And each day they sent me back to her.

    Thankfully, I am okay now. It is almost ten years since I finally got out of the home, and it has been a long journey.

    Remember, with children there is an extra issue to address because the legal guardian may be the perpetrator. The one who drives them to the ED immediately after an injury, the one who "lovingly" sits by their hospital bed 24/7, the one who refuses to let them go home without treatment (for fear of neglect investigation) and the one on whom we rely to keep them safe.
    Christy1019, GrnTea, and happyinmyheart like this.


Visit Our Sponsors
Top
close
close