need help--husband died at home

Specialties Cardiac

Published

Hi, First of all, let me say I am a 39 year old nursing student and on Sunday, March 11, my husband died. This may be a long post so please bear with me. You see, I have been beating myself up over everything that happened and if there was anything else I could possibly have done to save him. My husband was 54 years old, had already had two heart attacks and two different bypass surgeries, was a type 2 diabetic on three different kinds of insulin, and numerous other types of medications. He had been awake for a couple of hours and I think he took some meds and possibly his first insulin injection but I don't really know for sure. He was not complaining about any chest pain or anything else. He went and sat down in his favorite recliner and I was talking to him from the kitchen not out of eyesight because the rooms are open-type setup. He didn't answer me so I looked over at him and he had thrown his head back against the chair and his arms had stiffened at his side. I ran over to him and it was as if he was gasping for air; his pulse was irregular and very bradycardic so I called 911 and was performing CPR simultaneously. Several times after I gave rescue breaths, it seemed as if he was almost gasping. I did everything I was told to do by the 911 operator and paramedics were here within 5 minutes. I had 5 paramedics working on him and when they hooked up the monitor I kept hearing them say "asystole". Does this mean that he never had any heart rythm? PLEASE tell me there is nothing else I could have done for him. The truly sad part is that my 5 year old and 14 year old sons were witness to the whole ordeal. I will appreciate any replies. Pam

Thanks everyone for all your kind words and prayers. Just an update for everyone---my husband was an organ donor and I was contacted shortly after arriving back home from the hospital after his death by LifeLink of Fl. They said they could still use his corneas and skin tissue and bone tissue, so this made me feel really like one positive thing came out of this! Because of his health, I didn't think any donation would be possible.

My sons and I will be getting some counseling through Hospice starting next week. I will also be able to return to nursing school Monday the 26th although childcare may be an issue at times. My instructor is bending over backwards to keep me in school- she's a super lady!

Again thanks for all the prayers and support! Pam

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First Pam I want to send out my condolences to you and yours. Im really sorry for your loss and have been through a similar situation. 5 years ago I found my dad in bed Im assuming had passed at that point. (hx of 2 heart attacks years ago) He stayed home sick from work with jus a cough or so and hours later I came home to find him in a horrible state. This was before I started nursing school at 17 and had no idea how to help him. I started CPR called 911 went to get a neighbor and everything and couldnt do anything. The paramedics sent me dowstairs they didnt want me to see him be shocked and told me mins later that he had been dead for hours. I guess I will never know what happened or if I could have helped him but I do know now that I did everything I could. I even blamed myself and thought pound on someones chest taht is havin a MI is that nuts?? But after everything learned that was ALL i COULD do.

I have to admit that it was the scariest site EVER and I wont even get into details of what I saw but I hope that as a soon to be nurse in MAY that I will be able to help someone in that position next time around. I definitely did not take the grieving time that I needed and rather tended to my mom who also lost her best friend so unexpectedly. But that got me nothing but severe anxiety years later. So I can offer advice that you NEED to talk to someone and take care of yourself ASAP. If you need to talk to someone who does get it, PM me dont hesitate!!! I will keep you in my prayers

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I lost my husband, too, quite suddenly for me just over 7 years ago. I was only 38 at the time, and the children were 2 and 5 years old at the time. I haven't yet had the time to read all the encouraging words sent to you in these past 7 pages, but just wanted you to know that I've been there (as for the loss... my husband hemorraged here at home with me by his side, just weeks after being diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer.) Anyhow... I can surely understand all the after-thoughts you might have, and all the sleepless nights where visions of the last moments keep running through your head. If you ever want to, feel free to email me. I'll gladly give you my regular email.

God bless you and your children,

Lisa

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This is a late reply and I hope you see it.

This is the hardest lesson every nurse and doc needs to learn: even when we do everything right, we can't save every patient. No matter how we wish for good outcomes on everybody and no matter how hard we work on saving them, it's just not going to happen.

You did everything right. He was probably gone instantly. He was certainly gone when the paramedics got there.

Stop beating yourself up. You did everything right. Find a grief counselor if you can't stop reliving this and obsessing over every single second. It can save your life.

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I think most people, even non-medical people go through those feelings of "is there something else I could have done". And it seems to hit harder when you are in the medical field. Realistically we know we did all we could, but emotionally those feeling can go on for a very long time. Just keep reminding yourself that you did what was possible for you to do but there was likely nothing , nothing that could have changed the outcome. And that includes if he had been in the hospital already when this occured.

Was there an autopsy? The actual cause of death might help.

My younger brother was found dead by my dad early one morning. My sister and I (both RN's) were called to the house and we found that he had been dead for several hours. (It was determined probably 2 hours at the least) Crazy as it sounds, I went through 5 years of periodically asking myself, "Why didn't you just go ahead and do CPR so you would know for sure?" Rationally I could tell myself those thoughts didn't make sense, but my heart wouldn't listen.

Maybe you could talk to his attending physician. Sometimes to find out and understand what happened can ease things for you.

In the end, what you are feeling is so normal and to be expected and you will work your way through it in your own time. I am so sorry for what you and your children have gone through. Like someone else already said, it was his time. Even though that doesn't help you one bit right now, maybe later on it will provide you with some comfort.(((hug))

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There was no autopsy although I did get a call from the medical examiner bright and early the morning following his death. I wish there had been an autopsy but I am sure it would just tell me what I know in my heart-that his heart was just tired and weak and could not function any longer.

I just went to the nurse practitioner myself and he prescribed Paxil and Vistaril for me since I am having trouble with anxiety and sleeping.

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There was no autopsy although I did get a call from the medical examiner bright and early the morning following his death. I wish there had been an autopsy but I am sure it would just tell me what I know in my heart-that his heart was just tired and weak and could not function any longer.

I just went to the nurse practitioner myself and he prescribed Paxil and Vistaril for me since I am having trouble with anxiety and sleeping.

It is great that you are taking care of yourself. I hope your son is doing well also. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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Specializes in Med/Surg.

((((((Pam)))))) You and your family are in my prayers.

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Specializes in ICU, telemetry, LTAC.

My heart goes out to you, Pam. At least your husband got to go with you by his side and helping him up until the last breath.

One of my coworkers told me the story of her husband's passing. She went out shopping one morning and when she got back, he was in the floor, blue and gone. They were both in their thirties with a couple of teenage boys. When she went back to work several weeks later (she's a tough gal), one of her patients, a DNR, passed and she wound up in the report room about a hair away from a nervous breakdown, unable to get anything done. That's what told her to take a little more time, talk to someone, etc.

I think this time in your life will show you who your friends are. Remember to call on your friends to help you with your childcare, etc.

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Specializes in critical care transport.

Pyseymo-

Your actions were nothing short of heroic. You gave your all in insurmountable circumstances. It must be difficult to try to stay steady for yourself and your children.

Sometimes your everything is still not enough to give, something that you will learn as a nurse. You did everything you could've done at home. You are not a physician, and had you been, the circumstances would still be the same.

There is no avoiding dealing with the sense of loss and grief- it is a difficult and necessary process. Do yourself and your children a favor, and do not cut yourself off of your support system.

You are truly brave.

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Specializes in ICU of all kinds, CVICU, Cath Lab, ER..

Dear Pam

I read your posting and I had to write. On July 23, 1976, I lost my best friend in a horrific accident. I was not a nurse then, and I look back on my reaction in the ER and even now feel embarrassed. I received a call at 5 a.m. telling me to come to a certain hospital as my husband was there. Despite my begging the caller to tell me what was wrong with him, they would not tell me more. I called my boss for directions and drove there at breakneck speed. I heard about the accident on the radio and I foolishly told myself it was not my husband - he had merely been a witness and was upset and needed a ride.

Instead, I was shown to a small room where Bill laid. Not a mark on him, I kept asking the young man who escorted me to Bill if he was really dead. I put my head on his chest and listened and listened and listened. The young man started to cry. Eventually I was handed a small envelope containing Bill's wallet and St. Christopher medal. My grief lasted more than 20 years.

I will tell you what I share with anyone who asks me how I got through it. Kubler-Ross has a whole series of books concerning death and dying. I highly recommend buying them and reading them as often as you need to. They WILL help - I promise!

My wonderful Dad died of a massive heart attack a little more than a year later. I was still not a nurse then. I didn't understand any of it.

You did everything possible; as you learn more in nursing school, and get some experience under your belt, you will see that for yourself.

My father's needless death convinced me to go to nursing school despite all the roadblocks that the college put in front of me. I graduated with my nursing degree and wound up in Cardiac Care, then post CABG recovery and finally transplant recovery. I love my job; I love being a nurse.

Pam, feel free to email me at any time. If you feel the need for a question to be answered, I will be here for you.

All the best, God Bless!

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Specializes in Med/Surg, Perinatal, Float.

We recently had a situation where the mom of 3 kids (6,9,12yr) was vacationing in Jamaica when her husband collapsed and died. She did everything, and in that country they did an autopsy (wouldn't let her go home without it being done) and he had alot of problems including ones they did not know about. He basically had a stroke, he was to be 40 this summer.

The best thing you can do is get in touch with a hospice program because they often have wonderful programs for the kids, including summer camps, but mostly the regular meetings for kids (and you).

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