yes ANOTHER essay.i don't have much time

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i know there are lots of 'read my essay please' out there. but here is another one if someone has the time :)

-i dont have much time. submitting this week!!

"please address the following statements: motivation for helping others, why you will be successful as a healthcare provider, and why you wish to attend clarkson college"

I may be at a disadvantage. Looking at my application you maybe thinking to yourself “this girl doesn’t have a clue what she wants”, when in fact that statement couldn’t be further from the truth. Yes, I’ve been to more colleges then the average student, yes I am twenty-five years young, I am married with two kids, but does that really put me at a disadvantage? If I were to answer that question I would say, “no it absolutely does not put me at a disadvantage”. I have things I can offer Clarkson college and my future employers that the average student does not. By attending more then one college out of state I have able to break away from the constraints that the Midwest can sometimes put on people. Being able to see different parts of the country and how different groups of people view life is one of the most invaluable things I have taken away with me.

A lot of people would be scared to pack up the life that they know and move to a state 1,200 miles away from the only people they know. For me; that is what I thrived on. In New York I was that “small town girl in the big city” where everyone asked if I lived next to a cornfield. In Florida I was the ghostly white girl sitting on the beach. I was forced out of my comfort zone, which allowed me to open up and learn so many valuable life lessons. I balanced many things while in college, I had to find a balance between exploring the new territory, keeping up with my studies, working to support myself, and learning to live life away from everything and everyone that I’ve known. Those lessons in prioritizing and balancing life were priceless and will come in extremely handy as a nursing student and again as a nurse.

I can’t say there is just one event or lesson that has led up to me wanting to help others and my motivation for it. It has been more of having seeds planted all my life and I just now realizing the tree that has sprouted up from them. As a small child I had already began to develop a heart filled with empathy. My mother learned very quickly if we were to go to the Humane Society she knew we would be there for hours as I would have to go pet each animal once so I knew that every animal was touched kindly at least once in their life. She also knew there would be tears shed if we couldn’t return home with every single animal in that shelter. As a young adolescent I went to Mexico on a missions trip and saw people begging others in the streets to be able to pay for their sick or dying family members. Those images of disease stricken people and my feelings of complete helplessness are burned into my soul. I learned very quickly how much impact something as small as a soft touch and a smile can go even when you don’t speak the same langue. As a young college student I was a nanny for three small Jewish children in New York who had minor health problems. Seeing how the nurses that interacted with this family and how the care they provided could either make or break that family’s day had a profound impact on me. I knew right then and there that would be my motivation to help others.

Being a healthcare provider you have to develop many characteristics to be successful. You need to be dedicated, strong, humble, and proud of what you are doing. Something else that I bring to the table is my experience with different cultures. I have an openness and understanding to other groups of people different from myself. In healthcare I consider this to be a great asset. I always look at situations from the other person’s point of view and take into account how they feel. Traveling around in my early college days gave me a lot of insight to the way others view the world around them and understanding where people come from is critical when caring for them and their families. I also strongly believe that taking pride in what you will naturally help you excel at your career. For me, becoming a nursing student at Clarkson and later working as a Nurse will be one of the proudest things I will have accomplished yet in my life. Just the thought of finally getting on the right path to the right career and applying to nursing school has made me extremely proud.

Clarkson College has so much to offer me. Aside from the obvious reasons like the history of the college, accreditation, and pass rates on the national exams Clarkson’s mission and values are exactly what I am seeking. I want to learn from the best and I want to learn to give the best care I can possibly provide. I want to attend a college that has reasonable class sizes with professors that are committed and dedicated to helping their students excel. While going to a few different university’s I have seen so many great teachers and so many mediocre ones as well. I have realized that the great teachers are the ones who care about what they do and who care about their students succeeding. I believe that Clarkson College has everything that I’ve mentioned and I would be honored and take great pride in being accepted into the BSN program at Clarkson College. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to share a glimpse of who I am with you.

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I would try to more specifically answer their primary question: why you will be successful as a healthcare provider?

You speak about a lot of life experiences, but you never tie it in together to why they will make you a successful healthcare provider.

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It sounds great I agree with curiousme though tie it in better with what you have to offer instead of life experiences.

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I love to read personal statements/application essays so I could give you a quick honest review.

First, your opening paragraph is terrible. I can tell you are trying to sell yourself as a underdog but it doesn't work with this essay. As a reader, it shows a lack of confidence and to worsen matters, by the end of the essay, I still think you are a underdog who doesn't know what she wants.

Also, try not to use "you." In your opening paragraph, you personify the reader as someone who won't understand your experiences and to some readers, it can come off as insulting.

Also, another reason why you shouldn't use "you" is in a sentence like, "Being a healthcare provider, you have to develop many characteristics to be successful. You need to be dedicated, strong, humble, and proud of what you are doing." You quickly try to explain why you have these traits but you could have started the paragraph with you already having these traits. It makes for a more assertive read.

Finally, you have grammatical errors. For example, your opening sentence, "I may be at a disadvantage. Looking at my application (,) you maybe thinking to yourself (,) “this girl doesn’t have a clue what she wants”, (comma placement wrong) when in fact that statement couldn’t be further from the truth." Also, it's a very awkward sentence.

Overall, I'm not convinced. Like the previous two posts have said, you have to be able to offer more. Do you have a story you can tell? Be more specific.

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thank you. i'm going to try to tie in WHY i will be a successful healthcare provider more. thank you for pointing this out.

thanks silentacro for your very honest oppion. it does kind of come across as the underdog, totally not my intentions. i was more trying to show them that i am not the 'traditional' nursing student but i will be a student that has many life exsperiences to bring to reflect upon and use in my years in schooling and work. i'm not sure how i can convey that without coming across as i did.

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Two quick things:

Everyone is trying to show them why they are not like the rest of the nursing students.

The first thing they will likely look for is if you focussed on answering their questions.

If I were you, I'd reverse your priorities. Write the essay, just answering their questions....then edit it to add in some color that shows your distinctive personality.

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ok i've been dinking around with it this morning trying to rearragne and clarify things....this is getting a little overwhelming. i feel at a loss. but here goes. don't worry, i'll correct grammer i promise :)

Looking at my application one might think “this girl doesn’t have a clue what she wants”, when in fact that statement couldn’t be further from the truth. Yes, I’ve been to more colleges then the average student, yes I am twenty-five years young, I am married, I have two kids, I am not the ‘traditional’ student. I have things I can offer Clarkson college and to my future employers that the average student does not. By attending more then one college out of state I have been able to break away from the constraints that the Midwest can sometimes put on people. Being able to see different parts of the country and how different groups of people view life is one of the most invaluable things I have taken away with me.

A lot of people would be scared to pack up the life that they know and move to a state 1,200 miles away from the only life and people they have known. For me; that is what I thrived on. In New York I was that “small town girl in the big city” where everyone asked if I lived next to a cornfield. In Florida I was the ghostly white girl sitting on the beach. I was forced out of my comfort zone, which allowed me to open up and learn so many valuable life lessons. I balanced many things while in college. I had to find a balance between exploring the new territory, keeping up with my studies, working to support myself, and learning to live life away from everything and everyone that I’ve known. Those lessons I learned in prioritizing and balancing life were priceless and will come in extremely handy as a nursing student and again as a nurse.

(motivation for helping others) I can’t say there is just one event or lesson that has led up to me wanting to help others and my motivation doing so. It has been more of having little seeds planted all my life and I just now realizing the tree that has sprouted up from those seeds. As a small child I had already began to develop a heart filled with empathy. My mother learned very quickly if we were to go to the Humane Society she knew we would be there for hours as I would have to go spend time with every individual animal so I knew that every animal was touched kindly at least once in their life. She also knew there would be tears shed if we couldn’t return home with every single animal in that shelter. As a young adolescent I went to Mexico on a missions trip and saw people begging others in the streets for money to be able to pay for their sick or dying family members. Those images of disease stricken people and my feelings of complete helplessness are burned into my soul. I learned very quickly how much impact something as small as a soft touch and a smile can go even when you don’t speak the same langue. As a young college student I was a nanny for three small Jewish children in New York who had minor health problems. Seeing how the nurses that interacted with this family and how the care they provided could either make or break that family’s day had a profound impact on me. I knew right then and there that would be my motivation to help others.

(why i'll be a successful healthcare provider) Taking pride in the things I do even when no one is watching is one thing that will make me into a successful healthcare provider. During my clinicals for my CNA course I was extremely disturbed by some of the care that I witnessed. I honestly believe that is came from lack of pride in the jobs that were performed. No matter what level of the interdisciplinary team I am on I strive to take great pride in all that I do. It is going to be my job to make the people I care for feel safe, feel important and to feel like they matter. Having pride in my work, no matter what it may entitle, is a very important characteristicin being able to excel in life. Another very important quality I posses that will help me succeed as a healthcare proivder is my understanding and openness to different cultures. In order to provide the very best care for someone it is important to understand them as an individual and respect their view on life.

(why i want to go to X school) I have taken great pride in sharing with everyone who asks that I will be applying to the BSN program at Clarkson College. I believe that Clarkson has so much to offer me as I start this new chapter in my life as a nursing student. Aside from the obvious reasons like the history of the college, accreditation, and pass rates on the national exams Clarkson’s mission and values are exactly what I am seeking. I want to learn from the best and I want to learn to give the best care I can possibly provide. I want to attend a college that has reasonable class sizes with professors that are committed and dedicated to helping their students excel. While going to a different university’s I have seen so many great teachers and so many mediocre ones as well. I have realized that the great teachers are the ones who care about what they do and who will project themselves into the material they teach. I believe that Clarkson College has everything that I’ve mentioned and I would be honored and take great pride in being accepted into the BSN program at Clarkson College. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to share a glimpse of who I am with you.

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Obviously, it's your essay and you should do what feels right. If it were my essay I would be sure to have sentences somewhere in there that said.

XYZ has really been what has motivated me to help others. One example of that motivation is...

for this question of theirs: "please address the following statements: motivation for helping others,

A sentence that said: I will be sucessful as a healthcare provider, because... Or even, Yadda, Yadda exmple; I think this combination of experiences will really help me to be a successful healthcare provider

for this question of theirs: why you will be successful as a healthcare provider,

And, yadda, yadda, descriptions of amazing aspects of Clarkson College and how they really fit me.

for this question of theirs: and why you wish to attend clarkson college.

I understand that you feel your unique start will garner attention, and it may....but it may not be the attention you want. It's unlikely that they're looking for the next great American novel....what is more likely, is that they're looking for answers to their questions, written coherently, in to which you've infused some of who you are.

To that end, I would use as much of their sentences as I could when answering those questions, so they can easily understand my answers without having to guess at what I'm trying to convey.

I've just read it again. I think it's that your first two paragraphs don't start with topic sentences...never mind your first paragraph touching on what you'll speak about in the essay) So, at the start of the paragraphs, I have no idea where you're going to go (I'm not counting the questions in parenthesis, since I'm assuming they want one essay, with transitions between each of the paragraphs.) The next couple of paragraphs do start with topic sentences, but there don't seem to be transitional sentences that link the paragraphs, so it almost feels like each one is it's own assignment.

Just my .02

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Better and stronger opening paragraph - its clean and it holds my interest. After reading your essay for the second time, it's really starting to develop. I would suggest that instead of playing the "this girl doesn't know what she wants" role, you should make yourself as "the girl who has always had a interest in helping people but has gotten sidetracked" role (not in those exact words but something similar). And make sure you make it more direct in your opening sentences.

2nd paragraph - either delete or edit down and make it relate to medicine.

3rd paragraph - you mention your missionary work in Mexico. That's a valuable experience to talk about and you should talk about your experiences more.

At the same time, in your opening paragraph, you said something in the lines of, you traveled to different parts of the country and seen different lives. You barely talk about this topic and that should be expanded.

Now think, when you went to mexico, you hinted at being helpless to help others. If you can find similar circumstances in your travels around the US (maybe an area with people that reminded you of mexico), then that would make an engaging read where the reader can understand your motivation.

Still a work in progress but it's getting better.

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you thinking changing that first sentence to something more like

Looking at my application one might think “this girl sure has been to a lot of colleges!”.

there are 4 different colleges they will be receiving transcripts from so i want to make it a goal to make that seem like a positive thing lol

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you thinking changing that first sentence to something more like

Looking at my application one might think "this girl sure has been to a lot of colleges!".

there are 4 different colleges they will be receiving transcripts from so i want to make it a goal to make that seem like a positive thing lol

That's actually not a negative but by highlighting it in your writing, you are making yourself come off as weak. To be honest, the number of colleges you have attended is really irrelevant as it's highly common for students to attend more than one college. I'm currently attending 3 communities college to complete my classes and for nursing school, I am sending about the same number (actually more) of transcripts as you. Remember, your essay is about life experiences, motivation, and why would you be an asset to the school.

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there are too many ideas stitched together :confused:

the focus of your essay should be what motivates you...

maybe you can still simplify it without being too detailed

or exploring too many subjects....

if i was the administrator i would probably want to see what drives you..

what gives you strength.. what inspires you... to succeed as a nurse.

It would also help if it was scholarly written... like you can use quotes etc...

im not good at essays either .... im not sure if im making any sense:D

but maybe this can help you :) http://www.justcolleges.com/essays/index.phtml

there are sample essays there which you can probably learn a few things from :)

i wish you well :)

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