will u give me ur opinion on my nursing school admission letter.

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ok here is my final draft of a letter I am including with my nursing application! Any corrections or suggestions? This letter is not required but I really want to get in!

Dear Dean of Admissions,

My life experiences have helped me to realize that nursing is my calling. I feel the best about myself when I am given the opportunity to help and care for others, and It would be my dream to complete the Nursing Program at your incredible institution.

My first memorable experience working with nurses happened at 17 years old when I became pregnant. This time in my life was incredibly scary and I got through it with the help from my wonderful family and caring visiting nurse staff. I was so empowered by the nurses support, education, willingness to help and their positive influence that they helped me believe that I could be successful. I wanted to be the best mother that I could be and I needed the encouragement and reassurance that I was given. It was extremely challenging having a child when I was so young myself. Luckily the nurses were there to help me weekly with answering all my parenting questions . I would love the opportunity to impact another life as they did mine.

When my sister Kimberly was been diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia she was faced with a stem cell transplant then later a bone marrow transplant. This had been my first experience with cancer or illness and I spent many hours researching it so I could learn as much as I could so I could understand what my sister was going through. We mentally and physically prepared her for chemotherapy and stem cell transplant .It was a long process but we were with her at each step of the treatment. It was wonderful nurses that made my sisters quality of life their mission. My family was so vulnerable and unsure as how to help Kimberly, we had to rely on competent, compassionate nurses who we knew would advance the best course of action possible.

It was heartbreaking for us to learn that the stem cell transplant was a failure and now she needed a bone marrow transplant. At this point I knew the importance of a bone marrow drive and how it can save someone's life. My family members and I decided to organize and arrange a bone marrow drive so we could help her find a donor. Our drive was amazing and brought in over 500 people! It was a miracle.

Ultimately, My sister didn't find a match at our drive but two other people did! There is no better feeling in the world than knowing because we had this bone marrow drive for my sister that two other people in the world got a second chance at living and keeping their loved ones around longer. My sister passed away exactly one year after her initial diagnosis. I feel that her illness and death made me who I am today and I know for certain what I want to do with my life. All this experience helped me realize that I was born to help people and it gives me great satisfaction when I am doing it. I am still actively volunteering for bethematch.org and I learned that every person makes a difference and I proved it!

As a caregiver for the Visiting Nurse Association I work in an apartment building with ten residents that are paraplegic or quadriplegic. The residents rely on me and my fellow coworkers for simple day to day activities such as toileting, showering, eating, dressing, cleaning, food preparation, and any personalized goals they have. This job sometimes is physically and emotionally draining but the rewards of putting a smile on a patients face is all worth doing it all again the next day. I have learned that some of the little things such as a smile or acknowledgement towards your patients is as important as the big things such as being there with patients emotionally and physically. This can make such a big difference in a patients life when they are dealing with an illness. I have great compassion and empathy for patients and their loved ones.

I have began taking courses at the Community College of Vermont in Burlington. I have thus far taken Anatomy and Physiology I and II , Nutrition, Psychology, Math Concepts, and Human Growth and Development and excelled in all of them despite the challenges of being a stay at home mom of three children ages 4,6 and 17. It was very challenging at times to balance parenthood and the intensive academics. It proves that I am determined when I set my mind on something.

I am hoping for the opportunity to fulfill my calling through completion of the Nursing Program at zxxxxxx. Among the many reasons, xxxxx stands out because the NCLEX pass rates are 96% which is much higher than the national average of 78%. In today's economy it is impressive to have a placement rate of 100% after 4 months of school completion. I would also love to be part of the team and learn from the nurses and doctors at Fletcher Allen Healthcare. I have heard that VT Tech students have a reputation for being well educated and prepared for a career in nursing. I realize that this program is highly competitive but I think my ability to learn through my life experiences, my passion to learn new things and apply them to make someone else's life better is a good indicator that I will successfully complete the nursing program and become an exceptional nurse. My first choice is to study at the xxxxx campus, but if there is an opportunity and openings in other locations in the state (especially St. Albans) I am willing to travel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

　

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Specializes in ICU, ER, EP,.

This is going to sound tough, so deep breath and I REALLY mean to help, so read my post a few times.

Never state you have children on an application, this is ground for discrimination. Especially stating you were a young mom, sets you up for negative thoughts on the reviewer. Yes it's common, yes I'm sure your a wonderful mom, make the experience general and not in the first person.... "Being part of the child birth process, I experienced...."

Two, way too much space on your sisters struggle, sorry, this has no place here. You already posted in paragraph one how an experience with nursing staff cemented your decision, now this is way too much. You already proved that point, hopefully in one paragraph.

You NOW, need to use the rest of the body of your letter stating how you are mentally, physically and home prepared to succeed...." I have 15 credit hours of pre rec's, all with A's, which demonstrates my commitment to my studies." "I am in a financially secure position in life upon where all my attention will be to my studies". "I have exceptional support at home, through a part time job and with distant family, all of which are building blocks to my success".

I'm sorry, but your letter does not sell your skills, paints you as someone with personal issues and I honestly would not interview you based upon this in itself. I mean this lovingly as you need to make adjustments to it and SELL it to ME, why should I choose you... and leave all your personal past out of it.

Sell, sell , sell... now is the only time to toot your own horn and blast out your assets, I strongly suggest you do that and I'll leave it at that. Professionalism... a Registered Professional Nurse... is what you want... it begins with this letter, embody it.

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Thank you for your rely! It is hard to hear but helpful! I am rewriting the letter now!

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is this better?

My life experiences have helped me to realize that nursing is my calling. I feel the best about myself when I am given the opportunity to help and care for others, and It would be my dream to complete the Nursing Program at your incredible institution.

My first memorable experience working with nurses happened through the childhood birth process. I was so empowered by the nurses support, education, and willingness to help. When my sister was been diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia she was faced with a stem cell transplant then later a bone marrow transplant. It was wonderful nurses that made my sisters quality of life their mission. My family was so vulnerable and unsure as how to help my sister, we had to rely on competent, compassionate nurses who we knew would advance the best course of action possible.

It was heartbreaking for us to learn that the stem cell transplant was a failure and now she needed a bone marrow transplant. My family members and I decided to organize a bone marrow drive so we could help her find a donor. Our drive was amazing and brought in over 500 people!

Ultimately, my sister didn’t find a match at our bone marrow drive but two other people did. My sister passed away exactly one year after her initial diagnosis. I feel that her illness and death made me who I am today and I know for certain what I want to do with my life. All this experience helped me realize that I was born to help people and it gives me great satisfaction when I am doing it. I am still actively volunteering for bethematch.org and I learned that every person makes a difference and I proved it!

As a caregiver for the Visiting Nurse Association I work in an apartment building with ten residents that are paraplegic or quadriplegic. The residents rely on me and my fellow coworkers for simple day to day activities such as toileting, showering, eating, dressing, cleaning, food preparation, and any personalized goals they have. This job sometimes is physically and emotionally draining but the rewards of putting a smile on a patients face is all worth doing it all again the next day. I have learned that some of the little things such as a smile or acknowledgement towards your patients is as important as the big things such as being there with patients emotionally and physically. This can make such a big difference in a patients life when they are dealing with an illness. I have great compassion and empathy for patients and their loved ones.

I have began taking courses at the xxxxxxxin xxxxxxxn. I have thus far taken Anatomy and Physiology I and II , Nutrition, Psychology, Math Concepts, and Human Growth and Development and excelled in them. It am determined to success and I have exceptional family support. I am in a financially secure position in life upon where all my attention will be to my studies. I have amazing energy and I enjoy being educationally challenged.

I am hoping for the opportunity to fulfill my calling through completion of the Nursing Program at xxxxx. Among the many reasons, xxxx stands out because the NCLEX pass rates are 96% which is much higher than the national average of 78%. In today’s economy it is impressive to have a placement rate of 100% after 4 months of school completion. I would also love to be part of the team and learn from the nurses and doctors at xxxxxx. I have heard that xxxxxstudents have a reputation for being well educated and prepared for a career in nursing. I realize that this program is highly competitive but I think my ability to learn through my life experiences, my passion to learn new things and apply them to make someone else’s life better is a good indicator that I will successfully complete the nursing program and become an exceptional nurse. My first choice is to study at the xxxxxx, but if there is an opportunity and openings in other locations in the state (especially St. Albans) I am willing to travel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

　

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I don't know the school or criteria for the letter, so it's hard for me to guess what they're looking for. I might go through and remove sentences that weren't absolutely necessary, because at a glance it seems awfully long. If it were me, I'd go right to the core ideas: you have a stellar GPA, almost all pre-reqs were met, and so on. Why makes you the best candidate for the spot? Do you have any clinical experience? Or any other experience (healthcare, volunteer, etc) that might be relevant?

I don't mean to be a meanie, but PLEASE take it to someone for help in fixing the many grammar & punctuation errors! Consider if they have two applicants, one with beautiful writing and one whose letter is hard to follow, which one will they choose? If the letter is to be mailed in, also pay attention to format. If it were me, I might double-space with nice margins. No wacky fonts (no to Comic Sans, for example). Make it professional, easy to read, and pleasing to the eye. This letter might be their first real impression of you as a person, and you want to make the best impression possible.

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Specializes in OR, OB, EM, Flight, ICU, PACU.......

Just some thoughts I had when reading it:

-"Incredible Institution"- sounds a little vague and shallow. How about Nationally Recognised (is it?) Institution; Award winning; Well thought of;Innovative. You might have to do some homework on the institution.

- 'Way too long! Not enough about selling yourself. Why are you the best Candidate?

-Intention and examples of excelling-Good.

-GPA-Good

-Willingness to travel-Good.

-Pre reqs met-Good.

Just my $.02.

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"This letter is not required but I really want to get in!"

If a letter is not required, then what criteria does this particular school use to determine admission? I would omit the letter entirely if it is based solely on the post-mark of your packet, GPA and/or completion of pre-reqs. You don't want to give any hint that this program will be a challenge. Even under the most ideal circumstances, that is a given.

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Specializes in critical care.
"This letter is not required but I really want to get in!"

If a letter is not required, then what criteria does this particular school use to determine admission? I would omit the letter entirely if it is based solely on the post-mark of your packet, GPA and/or completion of pre-reqs. You don't want to give any hint that this program will be a challenge. Even under the most ideal circumstances, that is a given.

I second this.

If the letter is not required, I would omit it entirely. Academic applications are much different than job applications. In this situation, it seems risky; it would be a shame if the letter ended up hurting your cause instead of helping it.

A better use of your time and energy would be to maintain the good grades you have earned in your pre-reqs. :twocents:

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If a letter isn't required, I would choose to include a short "cover" letter with your application thanking them for their consideration of your application and that you look forward to hearing from them.

More or less. :) Just enough to submit a professional looking letter and show your good manners, since "good manners" are never inappropriate.

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