Will I survive this?

[Imgettingthere]

I am 56 years old, and just graduated from nursing school 5 months ago. I started a job in a neuro intensive care unit, and have been working under a preceptor for 2 1/2 months.

I am freaking out.

I love the complexity of the unit and neuro in particular, however it became very clear within the first few weeks that I wasn't "cutting it". I am tryng to grasp the technology, computerized charting, meds, titrations, multiple IV's, EVD's, vents, CVP's, feeding tubes NG and GJ, diagnosis, reporting off, communication with MD/NP, not to mention how the unit works, in such simple matters as how do you page, etiquette, etc.

My preceptor became very frustrated with me, either because of what I didn't know, or how long it was taking me to learn it. I have just not been able to learn complicated multi-step processes by just doing it once, or being instructed once. Most of the meds are new to me. I am obsessed with safety, so I will take the time to double check or look something up, but this bottom line takes time. I get behind in charting, and everything snowballs. Before you know it, I have forgotten to place an order, or chart a dressing inspection, and I lose my confidence. My preceptor started only looking for what I was doing wrong...and she started getting mean, abrupt, rolling her eyes, quizzing me in front of patients and families, until I finally broke down and started crying and had to take my 10 minute break to compose myself.

I spoke with my supervisor, and my preceptor was changed. While things are better, I am feeling snubbed, ignored, and like I am the "failure" of the unit by others. I want to hang in there...I have SO much to offer to this unit someday with my life experience, but I have to learn everything, pick up speed, and am willing to put in the time to do so. I arrive 30 minutes early for each shift to research my patient before I even clock in, and spend hours at home researching what I don't know.

It blows me away how a new grad, or maybe even a new to the unit nurse, can be virtually rendered ineffective by being ignored, turned away from, whispering to others in your presence then looking at you, or even doing something as simple as putting their head down and smiling and shaking their head when I ask a question....like, "why in the hell do you not know THAT?"

Do you think I will survive this? I love the patients I work with and their families, I am a great communicator and can handle just about anything that comes my way when it comes to verbal communication or education. I just feel like I have failed in the eyes of my co-workers, and don't know if I should even bother to hang in there. Has anyone else had this experience? I don't want to bail, but I'm about to. I can't believe how much I didn't learn in nursing school. I am overloaded with new information. I can't absorb it that fast!

Please....any advice? I can't believe this is happening to me. I am an intelligent, hard working, dedicated person who wants to be a successful nurse. Why do I feel like it is my collegues who are trying to push me out of it?

Help!

[nuwbee25]

I think you have a great attitude about everything and it sounds like you put in the effort but it was not appreciated. I think experienced nurses should help new grads rather than make them question themselves and their decisions. Not saying all experienced nurses are like that but I have walked onto a floor where eye contact was completely avoided with me and I became aware of the negative energy within seconds, but I have also met some great nurses who support the inexperienced become experienced. Thanks for posting your story and good luck with your career.

[shugrr22107NA]

"This job rocks. It's hard as hell, my feet hurt, and it's terrifying. But if it's YOUR mom who is assigned to me, you would want ME as her nurse. My energy and focus is on HER and not what my co-workers happen to think of me that day."

Now THAT's the Nurse I want!

[shugrr22107NA]

This job rocks. It's hard as hell, my feet hurt, and it's terrifying. But if it's YOUR mom who is assigned to me, you would want ME as her nurse. My energy and focus is on HER and not what my co-workers happen to think of me that day.

THAT's the nurse I want to be each day....starting as an NA @ 40 and finding alot of the same pitfalls...if you can do it, I can do it!

Thanks for sharing your courage! I emailed your quote above to myself @ work for the tough times, often times I just need to read something like that to refocus.

Be blessed and thanks for your insight!

[Rugbywingfwd]

I just read through the initial thread and the replies. Sounds like you lived the "nurses eat their own" deal. Sorry to hear it. I have to admit that going to a good medical surgical floor first prepares you for many things in the ICU...learning how to do things is the most important. It takes time to learn IVs, to put in tubes, what drugs are which and so on. While you are on the floor, take advantage of educational opportunities like ACLS and so forth. Most places offer a good bit of education. If neuro is what you want ot do join AANN and AACN. Lots of CE stuff out there with both associations and it all adds up. Most importantly, remember this experience so when you see another nurse getting eaten up like this you will be able to fend off the wolves...