Where to begin? Post addiction, Post treatment, post revocation.....

FLSmitty · Sep 28, 2009

Oh sweet heaven goinnuts,

I find myself overwhelmed & paralyzed just reading your post! I can't begin to tell you how many of us have uttered the very same words, struggled with the same issues and left abandoned the careers we loved. My heart aches for you and your struggle. The fact that you are thinking about getting back into nursing already is a good sign. In my case, it took ten years to make that decision.

Sooo, where to start... The AA commandment to take one day at a time finally rang true for me AFTER I sobered up. I'm no AA apologist and I will refrain picking on AA. No single thing was more important in daily life or in the reinstatement process.

I broke down the many tasks required to salvage my life and career, and I forced myself to tackle the many problems as individual tasks in sequence and ceased obsessing about the enormity of the entire situation. I started taking one day at a time:

1) I used Rational Recovery to sober up, then Albert Ellis' Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy to transform the way I lived. Absolutely everything I have today is because I quit drinking/drugging. Nothing else can come first!

2) I addressed earning a living outside of nursing and saved every last penny possible.

3) I got every shred of paper pertaining to my disciplinary misadventure with the BON. I too hid from the initial proceeding with the board. You need a clear understanding of exactly where you stand.

4) I downloaded the Nurse Practice Act in my state to understand the reinstatement process and chart my course.

At this stage, the process diverges by state. In my case, the criminal charges were dropped a year later, and I was able to have the arrest record sealed after a few years of staying out of trouble. My background check is now clear. I had to do a refresher with clinical, take the NCLEX again and sign a monitoring agreement. No wonder I waited ten years, huh?

Returning to nursing has been worth every penny, and every moment I've spent on it. I do wish I had done it 10 years earlier, but I have no regrets; the addiction's treatment program at The School of Hard Knocks has proven its self worth the price of admission.

Good luck to you my friend! (I really think luck is 95% careful planing & hard work.) We are all here for you. Dispossess that WORTHLESS shame and guilt post haste; go now and reclaim that which you have earned! (Just don't get in a hurry.)

Smitty

goinnuts · Sep 28, 2009

Thank you so much for your response. Just knowing there is hope is HUGE! That simple act of your listening and replying to me left me sitting at my computer sobbing (with relief)-and gives me strength and purpose to continue to stay sober for something that is more important than just 'existing'.

I am involved with recovery ring (a non-religion based program) that helps alot, have gone to NA, and want to stay clean! Taking it day to day helps with a direction, I guess starting with finding employment is my biggest right now, but that is proving difficult until I can afford an attorney to clear me for background checks. But it is something to put on the top of the list for today.

Oh boy do I know why you waited 10 years! This process is daunting to say the least, but it certainly gives me something to fight for, and any good ER nurse sure knows how to fight for something!

Support and encouragement from peers goes a long way in giving up the shame and worthlessness. I will work on it-Thank you again!

janice turner · Sep 28, 2009

well like the others have said you r here talking about it i am alot like some others i been out 13 years now am very scared about being a good nurse again i have forgotten so much i'm not giving up i am looking for a good refresher course around cookeville tennessee to get me back ready where i want to be a nd feel good about getting back at it! hang in there yoou can do this!

ariel7777 · Sep 28, 2009

Dear goinnuts,

I remember the very feelings that you describing!!! I feel a hole in the pit of my stomach just reading your post.

I was a very successsful nurse like you and all the nurses here. Like you, I tryed to kick the addiction on my own. I detoxed alone the first time. Cold turkey. I did not sleep for 4 days straight. I finally drove myself to ER one night, walk to the triage nurse and told her that I am an RN and an addict, I am detoxing, and I am about to loose my mind. She looked at me above her glasses and told me that I have to wait. I waited outside the ER doors for three hours, and no sign that they will see me any time soon. I drove myself back to my mom's house where I lived after my husband kicked me out of the house. I finally made it with my mind intact, went back to work and...........used again in three days......this time instead of po, I graduated to IM, then to IV. I got caught later just as I thought that I was invincible. I was reported to IPN. I was lucky, because the nurse supervisor that I worked with for 6 years knew what to do. They never contacted the Board, and I did not get arrested.

They also told me that they'll take me back as soon as I got a contract, which they did.

When I returned to work, I perceptored a new nurse and peeked at her pixis pass! The rest is hystory. Nobody knew, but I called my clinical manager and told her myself. Then I gave up on this whole nursisng thing all together until now, after 8 years of being clean.

Rewind to the time that I got the contract from IPN, before I returned to work. I went to outpatient therapy for 3

mo. When I had the last meeting with the chief therapist, she asked me how I felt, bla bla bla, and then she said to me "I will release you, but I have a strong feeling that you're not ready."

I hated her for that statement. I knew I was strong, I knew I could do it.....I was wrong!!! :eek: I relapsed! :cry:

I know too well the shame and the guilt. It took me almost all these years to get a bit of self respect.

I built another career as a CPR, BLS Instructor now as an instructor in the MA program, but all along I lived a double emotional life. People looked at me and thought that I have it all together, but inside I was thinking, "if you only knew what I have done, if you only knew what I messed up, if you only knew the dirt!"

Today, I moved from crawling to walking on my knees, to walking tall. I'm stronger for it. There is hope. You can do it. Is hard, but you can do it.

Your emotions are very raw still. Be careful when you go to the innitial eval with a psych md, though. The IPN will send you there before the even consider to give you a contract. You must pass this test. These people know their job. They can smell you a mile away if youre not ready. I guess that what I am trying to say is this. Be true to yourself. Nursing will still be there. You and your sobriety is the most important thing. Before nursing, before anything!!!Like Smitty said, and I totally agree. Take it one day at the time, sometimes one hour at the time and sometime one moment at the time. But you can do it!! You will go back to your career. You will make it.

You have a lot of support here. I wish you all the best! Keep in touch.

Ariel:D

janice turner · Sep 29, 2009

it is so amazing to read these stories because some times i get so down with all the set backs but this really keeps me pumped up! i'm so proud for you!

goinnuts · Sep 29, 2009

Thank you for the support! I knew this was the place to find the help I need to get through this! Your words of encouragement give me so much strength.

goinnuts · Sep 29, 2009

I am so appalled at how we 'eat our young' in so many ways-the nurse who treated you so indifferently will push me even harder to get through this, I never treated people with disregard, and I need to get back there to be one of the good guys!

Thank you for your words of encouragement, I will read these messages often and be reminded that staying clean should be my first goal, and nursing my second. The other way around was part of what got me in trouble in the first place. Thanks for your positive words!

lifeistweet · Jan 7, 2010

I can totally relate to your story! Don't give up. Keep working at u r sobriety and reinstatement. I've found that the RN's who attend meetings, cadeuceus groups and NA or AA have a MUCH greater chance at maintaining their sobriety. Don't try to go it alone. Try to get a sponsor who is a nurse or med prof. It can be helpful. Try to jump through all the hoops required and MORE. Keep records of all that u do, even volunteer work. Get active assisting other recovering addicts, helping THEM get on their feet. Good Luck! U can do it! Don't let the BON define UR recovery, dampen UR spirit or UR goals.

Code55 · Jan 7, 2010

Hi Goinnuts,

That pretty much describes me in the first year of sobriety. I think all the pain I experienced in the first year was enough to keep me clean. I think the hardest thing I've ever did was self refer myself to the BON! Wow, that was hard. From time-to-time, I still regret it because all the aftermath probably would not have happened. My addiction was in total silence. Nobody knew including my wife! I just wanted out off this crazy roller coaster of drug addiction! Once I made the decision to report myself to the BON, then I needed to tell my employer, then get fired, then start the monitoring process, then ba, ba, ba...My wife reminds me occationally that if I wasn't fired from my job, she doesn't believe I would become the person I am today. Yes, it was a real humbling process! Like some of you have indicated, it was the "shame and guild" of my actions! That still haunts me today, to a lessor degree, after 2.5 years. One thing I've learned in recover is that if I don't have recovery, then I can't have anything. My nursing license does not define who I am. I saturated myself in recovery the 1st year to achieve a solid program, then I could peruse other things.

Today, I'm still not working as a nurse because it has been difficult finding work with the record I have. It gets real disappointing at times. You have tried to do all the right things or doing the next right step and still no job as a nurse. It sucks, but it will happens as long as I keep doing the right things. I don't fight the nursing board, prospective employers, previous employer (that fired me), or anybody that crosses my path. I go and work with other addicts, especially other health care workers, attend meetings, work the steps, and try to trust God. They keep me on the right path.

I feel for you Goinnuts, I read these post because they help me feel like I am not the only one. These nurses feel the way I do and are or have experienced the same things I have. Its one drug addict and nurse talking to another. What better therapy! You one of us! You guys keep me out of self-pity!

Keep talking to us because you will get some understanding, compassion and perhaps some great suggestions. Also you will be helping us, even though we may have walked in your shoes before.

Glenn

jackstem · Jan 10, 2010

I am so appalled at how we 'eat our young' in so many ways-the nurse who treated you so indifferently will push me even harder to get through this, I never treated people with disregard, and I need to get back there to be one of the good guys!
Thank you for your words of encouragement, I will read these messages often and be reminded that staying clean should be my first goal, and nursing my second. The other way around was part of what got me in trouble in the first place. Thanks for your positive words!

First...you ARE one of the good-guys already. Listen, we have a disease. A chronic, progressive ultimately FATAL if we don't do something about it. There are very few people who are capable of getting "clean" on their own and stay there. Of course there are some, but not many. WE ARE NOT BAD PEOPLE TRYING TO BECOME GOOD! We have an illness that affects the brain, causing us to do the things we need to do to feed the addiction. PLEASE read some of the articles from the research over the past 5 - 10 years. It will give you a different view of yourself and the disease.

Rational recovery, the 12 Steps, hypnosis, whatever works is what you use to stay clean and sober. Don't get caught up in the "AA is a cult, NA doesn't really work, Jesus freaks will bring you down, etc." Personally, the 12 steps and my faith have been the things that have helped me stay clean AND give meaning to my life. But that's me. Use what works! Give whatever you try TIME to work. Thinking some system will fix things in a matter of weeks is one of our problems as addicts...we want results NOW!

Once you get a solid base of recovery for a period of time, then start to slowly look at the options you have for getting your license back. At some point you might need to consult with an attorney who is experienced in dealing with your board of nursing. But get that solid recovery first.

Keep us updated!

Jack

lifeistweet · Jan 13, 2010

I agree totally with Glenn. Just keep doing the next right thing and life will happen for you. U can't fight the world. However, I have been trying for reinstatment for over a year. It's been a difficult slow process. I too did not challenge the BON and the complaints against me initially. BIG mistake. I could have avoided most of this if I had. Just pick u r battles. Try not to let all the struggles get u down. I have struggled with depression due to all this. I pray daily, attend meetings, caduceus and have a wonderful RN sponsor. Anything to keep my serenity and sanity. I have worked outside nursing and hate it. I LOVE nursing and want to return to my chosen career. Keep up the good work, especially after u get back to work. I have seen many RN's relapse after returning to work because they quit going to meetings and support groups.:heartbeat

peace8