When your partner doesn't get it

Published

I said something casually about a hobby I’d pursue if time and money were no object, and my boyfriend of 8 years went off on a topic that has come up many times: if you really wanted to do it, you would make it happen. Why didn’t you do it last night when you were just scrolling on your ipad? Etc etc

He has a desk job and is not the bio dad of my son so although he helps a lot, he’s not financially responsible for him, and his bio dad doesn’t help either. 

I’m a hospice and home health nurse, often on call in addition to visits, often working 2 weeks straight with no days off. He doesn’t understand that even if they aren’t full 8 or 12 hour days, your brain doesn’t get a rest from work mode. Even if you don’t get a call while on call, you are at a certain level of stress and alertness. I often do end up putting in 50-60 hours, on an always changing schedule. And driving 100 plus miles per week. After work and family, the tank is empty.
 

He thinks that if he has time to pursue hobbies, that there’s no reason I can’t also. He has never experienced the mental, emotional, and physical drain of this type of work. 

Kitiger, RN

1,776 Posts

Specializes in Private Duty Pediatrics. Has 44 years experience.
1 hour ago, Zippy83 said:

I said something casually about a hobby I’d pursue if time and money were no object, and my boyfriend of 8 years went off on a topic that has come up many times: if you really wanted to do it, you would make it happen. Why didn’t you do it last night when you were just scrolling on your ipad? Etc etc

He has a desk job and is not the bio dad of my son so although he helps a lot, he’s not financially responsible for him, and his bio dad doesn’t help either. 

I’m a hospice and home health nurse, often on call in addition to visits, often working 2 weeks straight with no days off. He doesn’t understand that even if they aren’t full 8 or 12 hour days, your brain doesn’t get a rest from work mode. Even if you don’t get a call while on call, you are at a certain level of stress and alertness. I often do end up putting in 50-60 hours, on an always changing schedule. And driving 100 plus miles per week. After work and family, the tank is empty.
 

He thinks that if he has time to pursue hobbies, that there’s no reason I can’t also. He has never experienced the mental, emotional, and physical drain of this type of work. 

I wish I had advice for you. I don't. But I do get it. It's like you spend 80% of your energy on work and 20% of your energy on family. After that, you may have time, but your energy is used up.

So often, while I'm at work, I'll think of the things I want to do when I get home. But when I get home, clean up, and sit down to eat . . . hey, once I'm sitting down, I'm done. I can read, flip through face book or allnurses, or play solitaire on the computer, but to be creative with a hobby? Not there. Not unless I get a few days off.

My ideal vacation would be at least two weeks (dream on). I would rest, sleep in, nap, and read for the first week. Then I'd go out and have fun the second week!

subee, MSN, CRNA

4,400 Posts

Specializes in CRNA, Finally retired. Has 51 years experience.

Working 2 weeks in a row?  Do you think that your job is approaching anything fair or rational?  Hospice is hard and 40 hrs. a week is plenty.  They are asking waaaay too much from you.  If you haven't sued for child support, do so; especially if you are feeling defeated about it.  Sometimes money IS power and getting some more personal power in your life sounds like a rewarding experience for you.