I'm currently working on an ortho floor at just over 1 year into nursing and am ready for a change. I love my ortho patients but we're just too short-staffed for me to properly care for them, and my manager is never going to grow a backbone and fight to change that. I'm burned out.
I'd like to go to ICU, but as you can imagine, I feel pretty underprepared. I've bought The ICU Book and I'm going to study up on all the things I know that I'll need to know in ICU that I don't use now, and I have every confidence that I'll do great with the learning. The only thing I dread is becoming overly emotional.
I've had several patients die on me, but never while I was there. I was sad for them, but never felt like crying or anything. Then one night, a patient coded. It wasn't my patient, but the code was pretty awful as far as codes go. It was super unexpected, it lasted nearly an hour, and the patient's children were nurses in the hospital so they were called from their departments. They stood outside the room to let the code team work, sobbing and screaming at the patient to please come back, don't leave them, the entire hour. The patient did not make it.
I feel myself tearing up every time I even think about it. Whenever I hear a code called now, I immediately feel like crying. I'm the type of person who can't see other people crying without feeling like I want to cry myself. I don't know if I'm strong enough emotionally to work in ICU and keep the distance I'd need to keep in order to be a strong supporter of families in their time of need instead of just another person crying. I don't know how I could possibly do chest compressions on all these little old ladies who are full codes that we get on ortho all the time. I'd feel so horrible doing it. It's not right, but that would be my job.
In short, I just don't know if ICU is right for me. I feel like I care too much and have too much empathy for it. I'm scared of it sticking with me, of taking it home with me. I already know I could never work with babies or children because of this. Any guidance would be appreciated, because my brain is like "Yes, ICU = growth and knowledge!" but my emotions tell me to stay away.
