Ummm ... is this normal?

I think you need to trust the people you are working with. They know you a lot better than anonymous posters on an Internet forum. From your post, it seems that you may be bullying yourself.

My clinical practice area is critical care also. It may sound peculiar since as a new nurse, I am sure your focus is on improving your technical skills, but the developmental experience that proved to be the most valuable for me was 'values clarification'. This was actually an extended nursing ethics course. It helped me to understand my underlying belief system - and provide insight about why I reacted the way that I did. For instance, I believe that quality of life is far more important than quantity.... so long, drawn out resuscitation efforts & overly 'heroic' treatment caused me a great deal of stress and anxiety. I am a real control freak - this made me feel like a failure when we couldn't 'save' every code. and so on. . .

This process included a lot of self-exploration and as a result I actually realized that I was a pretty spiritual person (NOT religious - there is a major difference). It was a wonderful thing when I finally realized that no matter what we did, or how hard we worked, the ultimate outcome would never be totally under our control. I learned to forgive myself and ease up on the self-criticism. This allowed me to begin to 'enjoy' my patients and appreciate my role in their lives and the lives of their families.

I strongly encourage you to engage in self-reflection and explore 'why' you are feeling the way you do. "Scared", "Stressed", "Angry", "Nervous" -- these are all your reactions and therefore within your own control. No one can "happy" you, it's strictly a do-it-yourself thing.

Thank you so much for your comment. I've heard numerous times that Im being too hard on myself -even though Im not not really sure what that means. I simply want to do a good job and @ the end of every shift I want to be able to say "I did everything I could". This particular job that I have entails a lot of interventions and being so new; I don't see myself ever being good at knowing things like "Oh..

Maps are dropping. I need to do xyz". The amount of critical thinking and learning is waaayyy beyond stressful for me! I've literally shut down. I can't look up things anymore because I've hit a wall where my brain won't allow me to take in anything else! I've tried self talk, talking to others, and even praying (im spiritual and religious lol). Idk. Maybe I'm just having new job syndrome or something Hahahaha! But with every passing day, I get closer to wanting to quit n do something else with my life! This, right now, is torture!

I appreciate your post. I need to look into taking a class or even talking to a professional about career goals n motivation techniques. Thanks again!

I commented on a similar post recently...new grad in an intense trauma ICU. I'll sum up my thoughts: I've been a nurse for 3 years, first year was floor nursing and now I do trauma ICU. My first year, although not in ICU, was filled with anxiety. I was scared all the time! It's normal for your first job and I think it takes a little over a year to get comfortable. Here I what I did to get comfortable and confident: ask a ton of questions, never be afraid to admit when you don't know something, your patient will be ok as long as you know something is wrong even if you don't know what to do about it (that's what the help is for), ad STUDY! Nope, just cause you graduated doesn't mean learning is over. When I started in ICU, I would take home the general nursing report sheets (which including summary info, procedures, and drips for all pts on our team) and look up the stuff I wasn't familiar with. It helped. Best wishes. Stick with it for at least 6 months and then reevaluate. You are so beyond normal.

I can tell you that I felt the exact same way as you. I did one year in the CVICU and when I realized that I was always going to dread going to work everyday I transferred back to an outpatient cardiac unit. In my opinion if this doesn't get better for you and you don't feel that it is something you want then don't torture yourself. Take it as a great learning experience and move on. Good luck to you!

Thanks everyone! I truly appreciate the comments and suggestions that everyone offered. I had a decent week @ work and I learned a few more things about myself, my job, and my career as a whole. Im taking these things and putting them together to come to a conclusion. Im thinking about requesting a transfer -as a position recently became available in a High Risk OB unit, which is a MAJOR interest of mine. It's not critical care,but it's still a more critical area that'll allow me to use critical thinking skills (which I like doing as long as I understand the big picture ). Im not 100% yet if this is what I'm gonna do, but it's a step in a better direction for me:)