2017
2017 is when the prettiest little baby was born. 2017 was when I found out what it was to love a child. 2017 is when I learned that running on adrenaline and love was somehow enough. 2017 was when I learned what mommy guilt was.
I remember dropping my 7-week old daughter at my sister-in-law's house before my first day of work after maternity leave. It was a rainy day, a perfect fit for my mood. I decided to come back to work on a Wednesday, although I knew that I would have Friday off. I didn't want to jump into a whole week of work right away - a whole week without my baby.
I knew before getting married that I would have to work after I had kids, and I was okay with. After all, I had always been a busy body. But I had no idea how hard it would be to go back after having a child. I didn't know the magnetic pull of a baby.
I felt so guilty.
Guilt for leaving a little baby with somebody else.
Guilt for not having our finances in order so I could stay home.
Guilt for needing sleep even when I was home with her.
Guilt for feeling somewhat happy at being back at work.
Guilt for feeling like my job gave me an identity.
All of a sudden I gained understanding, compassion for moms everywhere. Working moms in particular, as I was one.
There were many nights I cried as a new mom. I felt inadequate. My house wasn't clean enough, my meals weren't healthy enough and I didn't hold the job I thought I would hold after graduating from nursing school.
A year has passed and as I have gotten more comfortable as a mom, a lot of those insecurities have passed. The one thing that has persisted is the uncertainty of where I am at in my career.
As a school nurse, I don't deal with a lot of typical things that one thinks about when you think about a nurse. No IV's, no crazy stories or patients, no 12-hour days, no crash cart, etc. Because of this I often feel like a "fake" nurse which causes me to daydream about a different field in nursing.
Then the mental "back and forth" begins.
"But it works so well with family and church"
"But they don't pay me anything"
"But you are on a salary and maternity leave is sort of paid"
"But I am going to lose all my clinical skills"
And it goes on and on and on...
I wish I could tell you all I have found the answer in the perfect balance between a career and being a mom, but I haven't.
I have noticed it is easier not to compare yourself to other moms and other nurses and their careers. It is easier to stop reading articles that tell you what is best for your child (as if every family or child fits one mold!).
Every family, every mom, every nurse has different limits.
Not every mom can make homemade healthy meals every night. Sometimes macaroni and cheese is good enough!
Not every nurse can work 12-hour shifts. Sometimes 8-hour days stink just as bad.
Not every mom can keep a squeaky clean home. Sometimes hiding everything in the closet is just as good.
Not every nurse is going to work in the hospital. Sometimes school nursing works best :).
As a young mom and nurse, I have a lot to learn still. In the meantime, I try my best to be happy and content in where I am currently. After all, I can't change my situation (which isn't a situation at all) but I can change my attitude.
To all the mommy's out there, remember you are enough and those dishes really can wait until tomorrow.
We are in this together!
What have you guys done to help balance being a mom and a nurse?
