Severely Depressed

[Amithrivingorsurvivubg]

Hello, everyone.....I would like honest feedback but also some words of encouragement. 

To begin, I have been an LPN for 3 years with my local hospital. I recently started a new RN position in the NICU and have been there since January. 

My orientation was extended at first by one week, then the next time two weeks and just recently they had pulled me into the office on my fourth week and said that if I am unable to improve by this week, than they would have to let me go. Each week was a different preceptor. 

To rewind, they did make an education plan for me which included goals like time management, prioritization, and critical thinking (I don't want to discredit these goals, but I also understand that these take time to establish....with any new speciality...) 

On top of that, I have had 12-13 different preceptors throughout orientation. Some very kind and some....kind of bullies (This, I never brought up to management). 

Next, these last 3 weeks they had me on nights, then days, then back to nights. Each week I would also have a different preceptor....and I did notice something about every single one of them....
The first day would be going great, I'd ask if they had any feedback/concerns for me and they always said no and I was doing great. Then, they would get pulled in to speak with management and all of a sudden everything changed.....they would begin to nitpick at things that I was doing but then also do the exact same thing. On top of that, they were told my management to never intervene and let me do everything. They sat aside at the nurses station for the majority of the shift unless I needed help. I honestly felt like they were just in place to spy and report back to management. 

Some examples of this would be that my preceptor was sitting in the room with me and told me to make sure to clean off some equipment, I was doing this and then all of a sudden the baby started to cry (as one does) and so I quickly finished cleaning and went to comfort the baby. This got reported to management and fell under the (Prioritization category) My preceptor said that I didn't comfort the baby immediately even though she JUST told me to clean something off. 
Another  (different preceptor) example is I entered a contact room with PPE on but forgot my pen which was right on my computer and two inches away from the threshold, so I grabbed it. This, I will admit was my fault....at the time my preceptor wasn't around but somebody reported this to her. I accepted blame and said I would do better....HOWEVER, I then seen her multiple times enter the babies room on contact without any PPE.....I also didn't want to report this to management because I didn't want to seem like I couldn't take feedback and I was just trying to blame others....so I kept quiet. 
At one point, another preceptor made comments how I wasn't asking or googling a lot of questions (she says that she Googled everything when she started) so I began to try and show her that I was interested in caring and would ask questions about orders......she then reported this to management that I was asking questions that I should know by now....this fell under critical thinking. I quickly learned not to ask questions. 

Fast forward to this week, I'm BEYOND anxious now feeling like I only have three days to prove that I do belong here. This first shift I was making SO MANY mistakes such as forgetting a BP on one baby, forgetting to start a feed on an NG tube, etc, I knew I was done for and so at the end of my shift I had met with management and told them I don't think this was a good fit for me.....I am sure that this was not what they wanted to hear, but I feel like I had no other option.....I didn't want to be let go. 

I am so depressed and discouraged because I loved the babies.....maybe I belong somewhere else though. I am currently on personal leave with work and asked management if they knew of any other units hiring (they said I would just have to apply....which I know isn't true because not all units have a job posted but do have open positions and it would just take a simple email to ask) 

Is this normal for orientation? I would think that if I was lacking on time management would it not be beneficial to come into the room and see WHY I am falling behind? Instead of ideally sitting aside. 

I tried voicing my concerns to management (I think she didn't like this) like flipping from days, to nights, having a new preceptor every single week, and on top of that a new team every single shift ("to gain experience"). I felt like it wasn't conducive to my learning and I was set up for failure. 

Any thoughts on all of this? I feel sad and lost.....

 

[CV72193]

The one part of your post that stood out to me was someone reporting you to the precept about taking the pen that was beyond the threshold, which you shouldn't have done. Did they tell you they were going to notify your precept, or did you find out later that they told the precept behind your back? Sounds like you were under constant surveillance.

It is possible that this particular group did not want you working there, for whatever reason, and were looking for ways to get you to leave. This would explain why you feel like you were set up to fail.

[Amithrivingorsurvivubg]

CV72193 said:

The one part of your post that stood out to me was someone reporting you to the precept about taking the pen that was beyond the threshold, which you shouldn't have done. Did they tell you they were going to notify your precept, or did you find out later that they told the precept behind your back? Sounds like you were under constant surveillance.

It is possible that this particular group did not want you working there, for whatever reason, and were looking for ways to get you to leave. This would explain why you feel like you were set up to fail.

Hello! Thank you for your reply! I greatly appreciate any closure/feedback I can get on this specific post. 
 

no, this person did not contact me directly and instead went directly to my preceptor. I admitted blame but then seen my preceptor walk into the room with no PPE on and also have the nerve to report me to management. 
 

I feel like no matter what I did, I was being reported to management. It was devastating because I finally loved the work I was doing but unfortunately it didn't work out. I am currently in search of a more positive/ up-lifting unit. 

 

additionally, I did have an interview with another unit the following week. The one nurse manager in the interview was very rude and unprofessional. She asked me if I had completed orientation and I had told her that I didn't. She then asked me how long my orientation was and I said 3.5 months and her reply was "oh, wow! That's a VERY long orientation? And you still didn't finish orientation?” To which I was trying to remain professional and replied with "I just realized that at that time, that specific unit was not a good fit for me and my long term goals" and her answer was "was it not a good fit? Or could you just not get along with others?” (I have no clue where this came from? A preceptor saying stuff to management? I do know now that this specific manager in the panel interview is best friends with the previous manager I had who didn't like me for whatever reason.) 

additionally, the other two managers in the panel didn't say anything about this comment. I definitely feel like it was used to belittle me. 

I hate conflict but people kept telling me to go to HR because at this point I'm being retaliated against.