RN Starting the Road to Recovery

[shadowboxers]

I've copied this from my post on reddit. Need to vent.

The Events

I got caught (after work) injecting Propofol. I didn't necessarily want to die, but I didn't feel like living either. You could say I was letting chance take its course and if I died, then I died. I was unconscious for who knows how long and was found down and admitted into my hospital's ER. My employer found out the next day.

Fast forward a month, I was let go by my employer (was on probation at the time d/t new hire), and the BRN contacted me about their diversion program, which I am signed up for.

Backstory:

I'd been going through a rough time these past 2 years. My wife became a hardcore alcoholic, to the point where she OD'ed and I came home after work to her passed out, only responsive to sternal rubs, and called an ambulance. Our relationship didn't last, she didn't think her drinking was a problem.

At that same time my mom suffered her own medical issues, resulting in the loss of vision and debilitating eye pain daily due to medical negligence. Then, after starting my new job in a new state, my brother took ecstasy and had a massive stroke, culminating in 2 weeks in ICU and 2 weeks on a med/surg tele unit. We are really close. He survived, but with major disability that may or may never be recoverable. He's aware, can move eyes, trach/peg'ed, unable to speak, with minimal movement in all extremities and recovery is going to take close to a year to see how much he'll recover. He understands and communicates via eye movements right now. I juggle everyday with the thought of "should we have pursued palliative care vs. aggressive care?" It wasn't my decision ultimately, as my parents have the DPOA.

My family looks to me for guidance, in a weird way I am looked at as the patriarch of my family. I'm really reluctant to tell my parents, my other brother, or any of my friends because it feels embarrassing, I know they are already under intense stress from my sister's hospitalization, and I don't want to add more stress to their lives. I have this desire to keep it under wraps so I affect as little people as possible.

Questions:

The shame of it is the hardest for me to deal with. I accept that I am to blame for everything that has happened. I don't feel like harming myself anymore, in a weird way signing up for the diversion program makes me feel like I'm not alone.

Has anyone here had to deal with the BRN Diversion program in Cali or another state? What's the general process like? I accept that I have a problem that needs to be dealt with, I just am looking for a general road map so I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks :)

[Lisacar130]

Hi there. I'm from another state and they run a bit differently. I think no matter which state you have to go for an assessment by a psychiatrist and get some treatment... either inpt or outpt rehab. The program itself might involve some working restrictions (no nights, no overtime, no managerial jobs, no access to narcotics, etc) but that is state specific. Usually the program is an alternative to discipline so usually nothing shows up on your license but there are a couple of states that don't do that. Also you are expected to go to meetings... how many per week, which type of meeting, and if you need to document your attendance and how to do so are all state specific. Last but not least are the random drug tests. How many, the cost, and what kind of testing are all state specific. The program lengths are all different too depending on the state, but usually 3-5 years. I have about 5 months left out of a 3 year contract and it seems to have gone by fast. There are plenty of us out there. Welcome to the club!