Returning to L&D after miscarriage

Elvish, BSN, DNP, RN, NP · Oct 21, 2016

I had a miscarriage much earlier (1st tri) back in 2010 while I was working mother/baby and there are no two ways around it...it was difficult. I took the weekend off (I'm a weekend option person) and came back about 10 days after miscarrying. The worst part was being assigned in the nursery with my coworker who was about 28 weeks pregnant at the time. She is the sweetest person and would never have wanted to hurt me and she knew what I was dealing with. So on top of being angry that she was pregnant and I was supposed to be too but wasn't, I also felt guilty for being angry about it because it wasn't her fault and she is a sweetheart of a person.

Some advice that I found helpful when I was going back to work after my pregnancy loss. Use what you can use and leave the rest.

1) Assuming people at work knew about your pregnancy, it may be very hard every time someone comes up to you to offer condolences. If you have a trusted friend at work, you might consider having them be a point person and spread the word before you go back that you will need lots of hugs, or that you don't want any hugs at all, or that you don't want to talk about it, or that you may need to be left alone, or that you don't want to be left alone at all....whatever it is that you think you might need. That way you aren't having to rehash it over and over with every single person.

2) It is going to be hard no matter what your assignment is, but if you can figure out what you think may be the least painful assignment for you to take, I think it would be appropriate to request that.

3) Be prepared for your loss to come back at very unlikely times/places. Work may be easier than you think and then walking through Target or something you may see or remember something and it may come back.

4) My favorite piece of advice from a fellow allnurses poster (thank you, brownbook! ) was that when people come to you and say all the wrong things - and they will - remember it was because they desperately wanted to say the right thing. It will not make things less painful but it may keep you from smacking people.

I am so sorry for your loss. There is no pain like it in the world. Please know that whatever you're feeling right now is normal, and grief is not linear. There is no certain time when you have to be 'over it' (it smarts less with passage of time but never really 'over it') and no magical time to 'start trying again' should you decide to. Only you can know all that. I wish you peace and comfort. You can PM me anytime if you need to. Gentle hugs.

Elvish, BSN, DNP, RN, NP · Oct 21, 2016

One other thing: You may or may not find it useful to make something to commemorate your baby, and you may have already done that. A coworker of mine gave me a kit to make a cement stepping stone which I made and put under the maple tree we planted when my son was born in 2004. Your mileage may vary but I found it therapeutic, I did all the mixing and setting the pieces of glass etc. My loss was too early to know but in my mind I was carrying a girl so we named her and put the name on her stone.

69448_1617954579812_3314501_n.jpg?oh=7b8335769bfe7f3a96f83e2dc3e006db&oe=589FD688

beckysue920 · Oct 22, 2016

Mamagui, I am so sorry for your loss, one never gets over a miscarriage, as I read your post it brought back memories of my own miscarriage. But you know...that's okay.

Elvish had some excellent suggestions and I encourage you to use any of them that may be useful to you. Going back to work will be difficult but in the long run may be what you need to attempt to move on and perhaps may even spurn you to go into a different specialty.

All I can offer is cyber ((((((hugs))))).

MegOBRN · Oct 24, 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss. Co-workers should understand better than coworkers in other areas. I would explain to them how you are feeling. The feelings of loss, sadness, and anger will take time to heal. This is NOT the time to start a new job in another area...too stressful. You need to grieve your loss (perhaps a medical or personal leave of absence would be appropriate). Sometimes in L&D, we deal with these tragic losses that our patients suffer, and in the long-run, going through it yourself can help you empathize better, prevent worse memories of the event brought on by staff, and again experience the wonder and joy participating in a healthy birth. My loss was earlier than yours, but it set the spark that led to me choosing a career as an L&D RN. I used to volunteer to care for preterm demise patients, because I felt I could give them a less traumatic experience than someone who was forced to care for that patient. If you don't already have a demise cart with beautiful blankets, cards, and ability to make hand/foot prints and impressions, then maybe that can be your project...it's very healing. I wish you all the best, and want you to know that your feelings are valid and normal...all of them. ((((Hugs))))

SmilingBluEyes · Oct 28, 2016

I worked L/D while having had several pregnancy losses. It's not easy; there is no fast-track quick way to get better. It takes time and patience. But the "up" side (if there is one), is, I could GENUINELY say I knew how women experiencing such losses felt and put myself in their shoes. Many people don't know, have no understanding of, the very fact that you lost a CHILD, a DREAM, and a piece of your future. I read a book called Unspeakable Losses; you can find it below:

Unspeakable Losses: Healing From Miscarriage, Abortion, And Other Pregnancy Loss: Kim Kluger-Bell: 97868817396: Amazon.com: Books

That book helped me tremendously in my healing process. Don't rush it; take your time healing. I am so sorry.