Retirement...Fading Memories

[CrufflerJJ, BSN, RN, EMT-P]

Fading memories...

I've been retired now for a bit over 2 years.

Prior to that, I worked 10 years as a RN in a local VA Hospital MICU.  Before that, I worked for 4 years in a high acuity mixed ICU in eastern KY (KDMC).  LOTS of knowledge acquired during that time, by painful experiences.

Sooooo.....now that I'm retired, I've noticed that I am gradually forgetting stuff that used to be super-important.  This includes normal lab values for electrolytes & blood counts, names of typical ICU meds,...

Last night, I was laying in bed, TRYING to fall asleep, when I suddenly found myself trying to remember the name of the biomarker that was frequently used for sepsis.
NO LUCK.
I had forgotten its name.

As a former Type-A DRIVEN ICU nurse, I find this scary & sad.  HOW DARE I forget something so "basic"!

I just looked it up a few minutes ago.....procalcitonin, or "procal" for short.
Stuff that USED TO BE "important" is now falling out of my poor decrepit retired brain.

What I DO realize, though, is that emotion-based memories are embedded much more deeply in my brain.

I STILL remember a former accountant at a >redacted...HIPAA< deciding to withdraw care on himself, knowing that it would result in his death.  He's spent far too long in our KDMC ICU, on pressors to maintain his blood pressure.  He got tired of the pain.  After shutting off the drips, he passed quickly & peacefully.

I STILL remember a guy at the VA who had been experiencing neuro symptoms.  After being in our MICU for a while, the docs HOPED that it was something immune-related & treatable, but an excellent neurologist diagnosed him with ALS.  He decided to withdraw care on himself.  Room 286.  His family members, all around his bed, FOCUSED on their PHONES rather than focusing on him.  He passed on a weekend, when I was not working.

I STILL remember a guy at the VA who used to work at a >redacted...HIPAA<.  He's been in our MICU for >something< a few months before.  He came back, in obvious distress.  It turns out that he had terminal lung cancer of some sort.  He told me words along the lines of "I don't mind dying, I just don't want it to hurt."  Room 289.  I'd settled him into the room/bed, dosed him with IV Dilaudid.  His girlfriend was in bed with him.  He bled/vomited into his airway, out his nose/mouth.  At least it was peaceful.....except for me & his girlfriend.

Strange how "important" stuff fades rapidly, yet emotion-based memories are still locked into my brain....years later.  Maybe this is a sign of what truly MATTERS.  Facts vs emotions....memories.

I STILL remember....