Retirement...Fading Memories

[CrufflerJJ, BSN, RN, EMT-P]

Fading memories...

I've been retired now for a bit over 2 years.

Prior to that, I worked 10 years as a RN in a local VA Hospital MICU.  Before that, I worked for 4 years in a high acuity mixed ICU in eastern KY (KDMC).  LOTS of knowledge acquired during that time, by painful experiences.

Sooooo.....now that I'm retired, I've noticed that I am gradually forgetting stuff that used to be super-important.  This includes normal lab values for electrolytes & blood counts, names of typical ICU meds,...

Last night, I was laying in bed, TRYING to fall asleep, when I suddenly found myself trying to remember the name of the biomarker that was frequently used for sepsis.
NO LUCK.
I had forgotten its name.

As a former Type-A DRIVEN ICU nurse, I find this scary & sad.  HOW DARE I forget something so "basic"!

I just looked it up a few minutes ago.....procalcitonin, or "procal" for short.
Stuff that USED TO BE "important" is now falling out of my poor decrepit retired brain.

What I DO realize, though, is that emotion-based memories are embedded much more deeply in my brain.

I STILL remember a former accountant at a >redacted...HIPAA< deciding to withdraw care on himself, knowing that it would result in his death.  He's spent far too long in our KDMC ICU, on pressors to maintain his blood pressure.  He got tired of the pain.  After shutting off the drips, he passed quickly & peacefully.

I STILL remember a guy at the VA who had been experiencing neuro symptoms.  After being in our MICU for a while, the docs HOPED that it was something immune-related & treatable, but an excellent neurologist diagnosed him with ALS.  He decided to withdraw care on himself.  Room 286.  His family members, all around his bed, FOCUSED on their PHONES rather than focusing on him.  He passed on a weekend, when I was not working.

I STILL remember a guy at the VA who used to work at a >redacted...HIPAA<.  He's been in our MICU for >something< a few months before.  He came back, in obvious distress.  It turns out that he had terminal lung cancer of some sort.  He told me words along the lines of "I don't mind dying, I just don't want it to hurt."  Room 289.  I'd settled him into the room/bed, dosed him with IV Dilaudid.  His girlfriend was in bed with him.  He bled/vomited into his airway, out his nose/mouth.  At least it was peaceful.....except for me & his girlfriend.

Strange how "important" stuff fades rapidly, yet emotion-based memories are still locked into my brain....years later.  Maybe this is a sign of what truly MATTERS.  Facts vs emotions....memories.

I STILL remember....

[hppygr8ful, ASN, RN, EMT-I]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. As I near retirement, I find certain essential aspects of my memory fading. I often have to look things up that would have been second nature to me. I have watched two family members go down the rabbit hole of dementia and nothing scares me more. It became so concermomg that I went and had a neurology consult. Asside from " Normal changes related to aging" there was nothing wrong, no growths or neurotangles. My neurologist stated some of this might be due to the multi-system immune disfunction I suffer from and that giving my brain cognitive exercise might be helpful. So I find myself  doing word games as well as crossword and jigsaw puzzels on line and it has helped to a degree. Also regular physical exercise is important so I swim 3 to 4 days a week. 

What I have also found as I move into a new phase of my life is that some things that were once very important are no longer as important as they used to be. Some things fade to make space for new information. My neurologist told me that the most recent things learned will be retained while older inmformation will fade and that is normal. 

Peace and namste

Hppy