Can someone proofread my personal essay?

  1. Hi everyone,

    I was wondering if you guys can help proofread my personal essay. Comment on what I should do different, if there are any grammar errors.

    Last edit by SimplyMeL3 on Jan 3, '07
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    About SimplyMeL3

    Joined: Nov '05; Posts: 20
    RN; from US
    Specialty: 2 year(s) of experience


  3. by   dacryocystitis
    I see you are applying to the nursing program at UIC!!?? I applied to the grad school at UIC (Adult Nurse Practioner program), and I was formally invited to an interview this Thursday!! With that being said, I want to offer some suggestions that helped me get an interview. Maybe it wasn't just the essay that secured an interview but rather a combination of grades, recommendation letters, essay, etc etc. In any case I'm sure the essay helped significantly. it goes:

    The admissions committee reads hundreds of these responses, so you need to make yourself "stand out". Instead of answering each of the six questions as you did, I would suggest incorporating your responses to the questions in an essay type format. It would be similar to telling a story.

    I would also begin with an eye catching intro! Make the reader WANT to continue learning more about you.

    BSN programs involve A LOT of writing, so I would assume the admissions committee is looking at your writing skills....grammar, creativity, ability to incorporate the questions, level of thinking, etc etc. A story with a unique intro and conclusion would, in my opinion, be much more interesting to read than responses to each question. Telling a story also allows you to transition between the questions/topics more gracefully.

    I would also avoid discussing other schools, even if you are telling why you did not choose those schools. Just focus on UIC.

    I hope this helps!!!
  4. by   whitneyLOL
    I love editing, Im a loser.. haha. Im going to read it now and post my edit.
  5. by   whitneyLOL
    Done! (and in only an hour haha, here ya go!

    1. Why are you interested in the field of nursing?
    I became interested in the nursing field when I was a child. Nursing to me as a child, was all about making people feel better. Now, I realize that nursing is so much more elaborate and wonderful. Not only are nurses involved in the medical aspect of health care, but they also deal with patients on a personal level. They come into contact with the patients more than many others on the health care team. Since that is the case- as a nurse, I want to create an environment that is comfortable for patients and provide a compassionate atmosphere in their times of need. Some people dread going to the hospital, especially children. I want to eliminate that fear of something going wrong or things not going ideally the way the patient wants. Besides obtaining my Bachelor's degree in Nursing at the University of Illinois; at Chicago I strive to continue my education and become a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner. I want to work in Pediatrics because I have such deep compassion for children. I would have the benefit of watching children progress, and at the same time know that I played a vital role in their developing lives. I know that I am competent enough to continually work hard and devote my time and complete these goals of mine. I am capable of becoming a nurse because not only am I suitable in the pressures and high demands that come with working in health care, but I am also caring, intelligent and warm-hearted.
    2. Did you perform any tasks or participate in any activities to learn more about nursing? Tell us about them.
    In order to familiarize myself with nursing as much as I could, I enrolled into a Nurse Assisting course, where I learned the framework of what skills make up a successful Certified Nursing Assistant. This class taught me about basic nursing skills; such as taking vital signs and observing any physical or mental changes that the patient might be experiencing. I was also able to familiarize myself with the care that patients require like bathing, feeding, and performing range of motion exercises. Because of the clinical classes that I had to attend during this course, I was able to gain hands on, face-to-face interaction with actual residents in a nursing environment and I feel that this experience will be a helpful for the transition into the nursing profession.
    3. What life experiences have influenced your interest in nursing?
    I have an aunt in Virginia Beach who is an outstanding role model as a nurse; and has been a huge inspiration to me. She opened my mind to a profession that consisted of many stressful situations, but all in the name of helping others. She also traveled around the world as a nurse and I would love to do the same. Besides the influence that my aunt has had on me, the events that occurred within my own family made my interest grow in the nursing field. My grandmother had a stroke four years ago and from what I learned in the Nurse Assisting course, I learned to understand why and how she became a hemiplegic; meaning the right side of her body was paralyzed. Two years after that, my father had a mild stroke and I observed similar signs of paralysis with him. My father was able to regain function at the highest capacity due to physical therapy and his willingness to live fully again. With what occurred within my family, I realized that gaining additional education and training will allow me to not only help and understand those in medical facilities but also the people within my own personal surroundings.
    4. What experiences have prepared you to work with diverse populations (ie, racial/ethnic, age, gender, socio-economic) seeking health care?
    This summer, I had the privilege of working with a very diverse population. As a supervisor at Six Flags Great America, I came across many different people and with difficult situations that I encountered with them. I was able to handle most of their problems and hopefully ensured that the service I provided was with "A smile, accuracy, and speed," - the service personal statement. Other than dealing with the guests, I worked with wonderfully diverse international students. They hailed from Columbia, Bulgaria, Czech Republic, Thailand, and many other countries around the world. We were not just employees; we became friends. I received an opportunity to learn about various cultures and they were able to learn about mine. They were not too fluent in speaking English, so whenever they struggled with it, I was there to assist them. They then returned the favor and taught me certain phrases in Spanish, Thai and Bulgarian. Because of this experience, I am able to communicate better with others comfortably.
    5. Tell us about some of the challenges or successes in your life that have influenced your academic performance.
    I live one hour away from UIC and before freshman year I had to make a decision concerning my living arrangements. I chose to live in an off-campus apartment alone that year. This move was very difficult for me because I was away from my family and I was living by myself, which was a big change. It was tough because my apartment was not a suitable place to study. The apartment had poor lighting and many car alarms blaring outside. The worst part was that I was adjusting to the change of living solo. It was difficult to concentrate because I kept thinking about my family and how much I wished they were there with me. I did find the time to study, with the proper lighting, and my success is shown through my schoolwork. I am currently going through another challenge this school year. Since I disliked living alone in the apartment, I chose to live one hour away from campus with my family and commute to UIC this year. Driving to school and back home takes away time that I could put into my studies, so there is a potential of time being lost then. So far, I have been struggling to get all of the studying in, but it taught me to manage time better during the day. I have been taking advantage of the many break periods in between my classes to study at the library in order to keep myself ahead of the pack.
    6. Describe a situation in which you overcame a significant obstacle or barrier in achieving your goals (such as academic, economic, language, racial/ethnic, etc.).
    I had to face a challenge during my senior year in high school. Choosing the right university was very important to me. It was going to determine where I will turn up in the end when it comes to job opportunities. I applied to three universities and I received acceptance letters from all three schools and I knew that these three universities had some of the best nursing schools in the Midwest. Now it was up to me to decide where I should continue my education. Out of the three universities, I admired one university just based on appearance. But I knew that education was more important than the beautiful courtyards and buildings that they had to offer. Besides the appearance, money became a factor and it would have been costly to attend a private university, and an out-of-state university. I felt that the only favorable option would be attending UIC, with its affordability and highly-ranked by College of Nursing. In the end, I am fortunate to receive my education here at UIC because of the experiences I have gotten. I was able to meet with new people through the Student Nurse Association and the Honors College. Being a part of these two organizations also allowed me to become active outside of school and to volunteer, ultimately expanding my horizons.
  6. by   chelli73
    Wow, WhitneyLOL, that is some pretty good editing! I will keep you in mind when I need to submit a paper! To Mel3, that was a great essay, and I think you will do fine whether you use your original or Whitney's. I did like the editing though....
  7. by   whitneyLOL
    Quote from chelli73
    Wow, WhitneyLOL, that is some pretty good editing! I will keep you in mind when I need to submit a paper! To Mel3, that was a great essay, and I think you will do fine whether you use your original or Whitney's. I did like the editing though....
    Haha, thank you. Its fun to me, I was always really good in English for some reason. If anyone on here ever needs help, I'd be happy to do it!!