Plummeting self-esteem

[luccabell29]

What a ride this has been. I'm a 35 year old mother of three, all under the age of 11. I have been a licensed massage therapist for the past 15 years. This has been a great career as it has enabled me to be home with my children while only working part-time. My husband does not have a strong sustainable income for our family of 5, and since you can only do bodywork for so long, and the fact that getting a college education has always been an eventual priority, I decided to dive into college and chip away at my pre-req.'s for nursing.

It has taken me 3 years to get my associates in pre-nursing. In that time I have taken out student loans as I felt that working wasn't an option, on top of the demands of school and family. I can't tell you how elated I was this past spring, I had actually done it, and graduated! In all honesty, I thought I couldn't. I loved the pressure of school, the distraction, the stress. I did pretty well accept for ONE class. When I graduated this past summer I really thought the sky was the limit.

The reality of my situation was like hitting a brick wall. When I look back at the past year, it was no doubt my hardest. Those final science courses; inorganic, organic chem, micro., A & P, were super challenging and one class in general has literally sealed my fate. I took inorganic chem with another science course and didn't get the grade needed (solid B) so went back and took it again, but this time didn't learn my lesson and took it again with another science course. This time I took it with micro., which was such a bad idea. Our teacher was new and incredibly disorganized which added an extra level of stress to the quarter. I remember how frazzeled I was that quarter, all my focus was on micro. and I lost my focus for chem and I literally ended up with the same grade I got the first time I took it. When this happened I didn't realize the depravity of the situation. I was so focused on just getting my degree done, I didn't see the writing on the wall.

Here I'am post graduation, and I'm a different person. This grade for chem 121 class has literally limited my ability to apply most places. I have shut myself out in my ability to apply to 3-4 local schools. I have two possible schools I can get into. This one school I was banking on would be perfect. When I met with the nursing admissions adviser there, I was really excited by the fact that I had 13/15 points. She said to me and I quote, "Well, what happened to your other two points?!" (her tone was a little callous) and I said, "My grades weren't 4.0.." "ohhh your grades.." she said. Driving home that day, I remember crying, as I realized she was unknowingly cluing me into my prospects. I won't have a chance on getting in this RN program. I started a thread for another discussion for this school, someone mentioned that they applied with 14/15 points and didn't get in, so all the hope I had completely fizzeled to nothing.

This process has changed me and not necessarily for the better. I apologize if I sound pessimistic and negative, but I have a degree I can do nothing with and $40k of debt to go along with it. Yikes. What more I feel alienated with friendships as school as literally sucked my time and energy for the past three years and friendships have fallen by the wayside. This, accompanied by the reality of my situation has sent me spiraling. I feel absolutely defeated, in fact over the summer I started marking "c's" on my calender to note if I had cried that day or not. Almost everyday I cry.

What to do? I tell people and am very open that I'm currently in my mid-life crisis. And I'am. The other school that has the RN program I could possibly get into looks at letter of recco.'s and resume and teas. I have a ton of experience as an LMP, and have doctors willing to write me letters. I do plan on getting my CNA this next year and working in the field. The clincher to this school is the fact that it is an 1 hour and 47 min. drive away. My husband is in full support of me and has even said that maybe I can rent a room mid-week? I also have the LPN option at this one school that I will give a go.

I'm really at a loss here. I feel so deflated as a person. I'm considering even going to esthetician school to complement my massage work. I think hey, $150 for eye lash extensions is not something to complain about! Then I think how far I would be back peddling in that decision. I know I would be a fabulous nurse! I know I can do it, its just this whole experience, the up and down of school and then the realization of how limited I'am in my ability to apply, the stress of money, the urgent need for it and now my staggering debt, is almost too much bear. I have so much regret, I should have tried harder, or taken one class at a time. The circles you can spin in your head! I'm meeting with a psychologist for anyone who asks LOL! as well as an adviser to see what else can be done with this degree. I'm being proactive but I need encouragement and any advise.

(My one bit of advise in this depressing thread is to shoot for that 4.0! It is so competitive something I didn't truly realize. ) Just writing about this has made me feel better; I would appreciate any thoughts, advise and encouragement!

[HouTx, BSN, MSN, EdD]

** puts on Mom face ** First of all - it's time to call quits on the pity party. What's done is done. It's now time to take stock and move forward. You've obviously got a lot going for you, including a supportive Hubby and three kiddos. Amassing $40k is regrettable. ANers usually advise everyone to do pre-reqs at a CC where they get the best return on minimal investment. Many students will discover that their Pell Grant will cover just about all tuition expenses.

If your financial situation is the most worrisome, do something about that first before incurring any more debt. You don't have to move on to a nursing education immediately. Your pre-requisites won't start to "time out" for 5 years. Maybe going for that LPN would make more sense to you at this point. Just don't opt for an expensive commercial school... go with a CC program instead.

Now, go hug your Hubby & kids. Count your blessings. You've got a lot going for you.