Overcoming Guilt: The First Step to Self Care

This article will assist nurses to take a close look at themselves and determine how successful they are with maintaining a healthy level of self care and if guilt is one of their obstacles. It will also stimulate thoughts about how they can overcome the issue of guilt in their lives so that they can take better care of themselves. Nurses Announcements Archive Article

Overcoming Guilt: The First Step to Self Care

Although the profession of nursing may not be glamorous, it holds great pay-offs. In general, society looks up to and respects nurses. There are many qualities most nurses possess that make them popular and attractive to be around.

The fabric of nurses typically consists of a lot of compassion, respect for life, a love of people, competence and wisdom, plus they tend to be naturally caring and enjoy being helpful.

Who wouldn't want to hang around with a nurse? You can always count on them to help you, give reassuring advice or even make a house call if you're sick or injured. Nurses tend to reach out and help before many other people even realize there's a need or a problem.

Bottom line. . . nurses are 'givers'. They give of themselves on a daily and regular basis. At times they give to the point of ignoring their own needs so they have more time and energy to give to others.

Sooner or later the giving, sharing, caring and serving nature of nurses catches up with them. What at one time may have been an exhilarating and joyful experience to selflessly serve can turn out to be a physical and emotional drain. When a nurse is on constant duty answering the call of the needs of many, it can eventually leave them scratching their head and wondering how they gained that 30 pounds, became exhausted and overwhelmed, or possibly even depressed.

I speak of this phenomena from experience. I was a member of this elite group of caregivers for 28 years, spending stints in various specialties in my early years, and the last 21 years of my career as an assistant to an orthopedic surgeon. I know what it's like to work all day, come home and although no longer wearing scrubs, continue to take care of those around me, including family, friends, and neighbors, not to mention handling all of the usual household tasks and being an active member of my community. I was the last one to get my own attention.

When I left the nursing profession to become a life coach and speaker and I worked with nurses as a support contact, I began to look underneath these behaviors of constant giving to examine the underlying causes.

The most frequently heard reason I hear from nurses that explains their diminished or non-existent level of self-care is guilt. Many nurses describe the habit of actually putting themselves last. In this position equal to an afterthought, they will give themselves the treat of a bubble bath or some time to exercise or read, only when absolutely everyone in their life has had their needs met. Unfortunately, that rarely seems to happen.

Today, I am offering another perspective. Guilt does not serve anyone. It is a negative-based belief that holds us hostage. Guilt can disguise itself as being selfless and therefore noteworthy of praise. It can trick us into thinking we are not deserving of attention and that it is just plain wrong to care for, or about ourselves.

The truth is guilt serves no practical or positive purpose. The opposite of guilt is love. Imagine caring for and loving you as much as you do others. You may be thinking "There is no time for that, something has to give and it has to be me".

The best advice I can give to you regarding navigating out of the clutches of guilt is to practice loving yourself. When I look at the connection between feeling at your best and how that affects your care of others, it only makes sense to begin taking steps to making yourself a priority. In other words, if your feel-good tank is full, you are in prime condition to be of service. On the contrary, if your feel-good tank is empty or you're running on fumes, your impact on others will be diminished significantly.

If you are not convinced, perhaps thinking of it this way would help: Would you rather have someone caring for you that is rested, healthy and happy or someone that is tired, stressed and anxious? I suspect you would choose rested, happy and healthy.

I guarantee that as you gradually shift your thinking and beliefs that self-care is mandatory in your life and not just an option, you will notice how much more there is of you to share. When you feel good, it's easier to help others do the same. Your friends, family and patients will thank you.

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Kate4health

About Kate4health

Kate Sholonski, a retired nurse turned life coach and inspirational speaker, lives in the mountains of northern Pennsylvania. She has always had a positive outlook on life which made her a natural for success in both professions. In her spare time she enjoys, walking, yoga, blogging, reading and community theater.

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Specializes in LTC.

The last 21 years as an assistant to an ortho Doctor??? Nice. I would love that job!!!

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Guilt does serve a practical and positive purpose. It is the only way we have to time travel. It's knowing how and when to let go of the guilt that proves to be problematic for most people.

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Hmmm....interesting....would love to learn more about your time travel reference. I agree, moving beyond guilt is a great obstacle, especially if it has been a long standing and practiced way of being. First step, is to be aware that is where one dwells, then moving beyond it is an option if one chooses. :)

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The time travel reference was a grace passed on to me by someone who had it passed on to her. She had been sitting by her mom's bedside for weeks, giving her mom love, encouragement, and permission to die. Finally, after an exhausting two weeks, her mom's nurse told her one night she should go home and get some rest. She left, and an hour later her mom passed. She confided to her friend her incredible guilt that after months of caring for her mom and two weeks of constant vigilance, she wasn't there when her mom passed. She told her friend she felt she had done as much as humanly possible and it wasn't logical, but she felt guilty all the same.

And her friend said "Guilt is how you stay in the room."

I needed to metaphorically stay in the room for a while after my son died, and I'm sure there are plenty of other people who need to emotionally time travel back to the place before "Before" became "After". Guilt is how you stay in the room.

Use it until you don't need it, and let it go when it no longer serves you. I think that's the part people are bad at.

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Your stories are tender ones to which I'm sure many people can relate. What struck me as I read your note was that it was love that was present in the room (or even when one is not in the room). Interestingly, what I believe is the greatest component of people overcoming guilt is self-love, and yes, I agree, that is what we are often "bad at". Self love leads to self care. I appreciate you sharing your story.

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Specializes in lots.
Hmmm....interesting....would love to learn more about your time travel reference. I agree, moving beyond guilt is a great obstacle, especially if it has been a long standing and practiced way of being. First step, is to be aware that is where one dwells, then moving beyond it is an option if one chooses. :)
Kate,my self care tank is empty,and I honestly dont know what to do. Ive got mulitple sclerosis,working,went through death of my mother suddenly 2months after ms dx.....Im hanging on by a thread my friend. I used to run every morning b4 work,surfed,yoga etc..........now,I work and spend my weekends dealing with the most unpredictable and expensive chronic illness that can change from hour to hour. Im empty. Ive contemplated checking out,and dont panic any1,Im rational,but,what do you as a life coach and former nurse surmise I do? Ive tried everything......I will not go down without a fight,and my "fight" is almost "fought" julie
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Julie....from your description and in light of your diagnosis of MS you have a more than the usual challenges to face daily. It must me more challenging than running a marathon every day to simply get through a shift at work.

You were clear in your description of daily difficulties, yet you did not share what your status is in self care. My questions for you involve your attitude about honoring yourself as well as the practical things you do to physically keep yourself at your optimal level physically and emotionally? Obviously you cannot meet the physical challenges you once did and you need and deserve some extra TLC. Do you accept that or are you resisting?

In light of losing your mother and the emotional impact of that loss, your need for additional support is even more important. I encourage you to seek professional help as well as asking for assistance from anyone in your personal life that understands your situation. You don't have to go through this alone. Responding to this post was a positive step.....I encourage you to take the next step and the next. Your wellbeing depends on it and you can direct it's course from the inside out. I wish you well.

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Specializes in lots.
Julie....from your description and in light of your diagnosis of MS you have a more than the usual challenges to face daily. It must me more challenging than running a marathon every day to simply get through a shift at work.

You were clear in your description of daily difficulties, yet you did not share what your status is in self care. My questions for you involve your attitude about honoring yourself as well as the practical things you do to physically keep yourself at your optimal level physically and emotionally? Obviously you cannot meet the physical challenges you once did and you need and deserve some extra TLC. Do you accept that or are you resisting?

In light of losing your mother and the emotional impact of that loss, your need for additional support is even more important. I encourage you to seek professional help as well as asking for assistance from anyone in your personal life that understands your situation. You don't have to go through this alone. Responding to this post was a positive step.....I encourage you to take the next step and the next. Your wellbeing depends on it and you can direct it's course from the inside out. I wish you well.

Self care? it's gone out the window. I WAS nurse,unlike the article you wrote,that refused to let the job get to me. I ran every morning before work,I did 1/2 marathons,traveled,now,My self care consists of work,md appts.,changes in the company that ive been at for 9years. There are alot of dynamics going on here that started after ms dx,death of mother 2 months later,than the 2 years that followed that end at today,and tomorrow,and it feels like from here on out. Kathy,I am in no way resisting TLC. When i was 1st dx I was still about my self care as well as pts.,after my mother died,I was still about self care. In fact,I never met the "criteria" of what you speak in your article. Ever. Now I do x 500. As I said lots of dynamics goin on here. If you have a chance to chat,I would love to. Therapy? sure. Im game. When? Whose paying? When and if I can tell you all the things besides dx of ms and mothers passing,I would love to. As one of my friends said to me "you couldnt write a movie script for this,its that unbelievable' Not feeling sorry for myself, I dont have time for that let alone eat! How can I let you know my story and get your feedback?
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