In the past, when nursing got really tough, or I began to burn out, I ran. I walked out. I turned my back and tried to re-invent myself instead of fighting it out. I told myself I needed new experiences and new learning opportunities when the truth was I was afraid to keep going. This time, I am going to try the opposite.
I have battle going on inside my head. Two conflicting ideas engaged in a tug-of-war that has left me feeling depleted and angry and just...tired. You see, I am a nurse. I went into nursing because I love science and I love the human body and all its mysteries and miracles. I also believe that caring for the sick, the elderly, and the disadvantaged is a noble and rewarding thing to do. It makes me feel important and needed. It speaks to the Humanist in me.
Lately, I don't want to be a nurse anymore. I want to throw my hands in the air and yell obscenities at the top of my lungs. I also want to crawl under my desk and take a nap. Neither impulse wins, so here I stay in limbo neither fighting nor fleeing; merely existing in my ennui.
I take complaints from angry family members sometimes. I listen as they vent their guilt and frustrations. I calmly apologize and explain the disease process taking hold of their loved one and assure them that feeling the way they do is okay. Sometimes, they are unwilling, or unable to listen.
They don't want to understand; they just want someone to blame; someone to be angry at. That usually ends up being me, as I would rather take the brunt of their anger than have them rage at my staff. I try to protect my nurses from that vitriol so they can continue to feel good about what they do. I tell my nurses how important their work is, and how it matters to me and to the people we serve. I internalize all that pain and anger and swallow it. Sometimes I come home and chase it down with rum. And cookies.
I stay because I am needed and I like the work I am doing. But I am so freaking exhausted. So tired. This constant caring, this extreme level of giving a crap; it takes a toll. I am used up to the point that I don't care as much as I should. I have issues that need to be addressed at work. I have work to do! I am the leader. I need to take the reins and steer this mad horse onto the safe path before it careens over the cliff of failing standards and poor patient outcomes. I should want to do that. I should care so deeply that I defend and fight for my nurses and my residents and my job, but instead, I just want to say "eh" and walk away. I've carried on for so long that I simply cannot any longer.
That's the thing about nurse leaders, we feel we need to do it all ourselves. We forget to call on our supports, our colleagues, our resources. We forge onward alone, carrying the crushing weight of responsibility squarely on our own shoulders, holding our heads high and being strong for everyone else. And we wonder why there is such a high turnover rate; why nurses job hop from one type of nursing to another. As nurses, we have made ourselves clean exit strategies into new learning experiences and new environments in an effort to stave off the burnout. We discuss how rotating to a new department and learning a new skill re-invigorates us and keeps us passionate for the work we do.
But what about the nurse executives? We at the top have fewer options. The higher up the leadership ranks we get, the fewer spots on the revolving job carousel there are to keep up the novelty and stave off the burnout. That is where I am finding myself tonight; cruising the job sites, looking for the new shiny distraction to keep me from realizing how awful I really feel about nursing. I've been searching postings to try and locate that "golden opportunity" that will make me fall back in love with my chosen career field, instead of leaving me wishing I had become a dog groomer at the end of the day.
This is the hard, cold realization that I have come to tonight: IT DOESN'T EXIST.
There is no perfect job in the perfect five star or magnate facility with a five minute commute and happy, engaged coworkers who all seem to "get" me. A chorus of cherubs will not sing me through the doors of a new facility, waving roses and handing me a perfect department of health survey. Healthcare is a minefield. You never know what might blow up in your face or when, but I promise you, something always will. The only thing I can control in this is my own ability to pick up the pieces and keep slogging through. I don't mean that to sound bleak, and I know this is probably the worst pep-talk ever given. I'm really only trying to psych myself up, anyway. What you do with my rambling is your own decision.
Tonight my exhaustion is channeled into anger. I don't want to move on. I don't want to start over. I want to stay where I am and continue to carry on; and I want to build up my 401K darn it! So instead, I am going to try to find that golden egg called "work-life balance".
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.
I've never been so tired, but I've also never been so determined to stand my ground and say "this is worth it". The changes I want make at my facility are big and I am going up against a corporate culture that expects directors to "live to work". Last year I took 3 vacation days. THREE. If I can hang on another year, I will have earned 3 weeks. My family really deserves that. I deserve that. I just have to keep calm and nurse on a bit longer. Oh, and get some malpractice insurance. I should also lay off the cookies, call up a friend, and get a massage. I've got to start caring about myself so I can care for everyone else.
Specializes in Peds leukemia, APON, GI in a clinic.
Get thee to your human resources department, get the EAP(employee assistance program) info and get in touch with a counselor.
You need a better way to handle your stress and a professional counselor can be an incredible help. Been there, needed the help, got it, and it changed my life. Please understand that you may not click with the first or second counselor, like I didn't, but when you find the right one, magic can happen.
Good luck kiddo and please continue to fight/defend/protect your RNs. They will never know the full extent of the BS you absorb for them. Good managers are rare and hard to find but a thrill to work with.
glb1960
62 Posts
Get thee to your human resources department, get the EAP(employee assistance program) info and get in touch with a counselor.
You need a better way to handle your stress and a professional counselor can be an incredible help. Been there, needed the help, got it, and it changed my life. Please understand that you may not click with the first or second counselor, like I didn't, but when you find the right one, magic can happen.
Good luck kiddo and please continue to fight/defend/protect your RNs. They will never know the full extent of the BS you absorb for them. Good managers are rare and hard to find but a thrill to work with.