Feeling sad

  1. I just found out that an acquaintance of mine just lost her 3rd pregnancy in a row (all in the past year or so). With each one the heart just stopped beating at 16 weeks and she has had to be induced and deliver each one vaginally. After the 2nd m/c she and her husband were tested for everything under the sun and she was found to have a clotting disorder which she was being treated for with this last pregnancy. But now she's lost #3 in spite of the treatment. I feel so bad for her. I cannot even imagine how she feels. I thought that maybe some of you have seen situations like this before. How do you cope? How do you help the families to cope? They were able to hold the babies afterwards. What other things do you do?
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    About dianacs

    Joined: Jan '02; Posts: 477; Likes: 50


  3. by   ?burntout
    I'm so sorry for your friend's loss....I lost my 12 day old son almost 4 months ago......
    Here is a website that may help your friend-there are a lot of special, caring people here...


    It is a site for those that have lost children through miscarriage, stillbirths, newborn/infant/toddler/older child deaths.......


    Last edit by ?burntout on Nov 4, '02
  4. by   SmilingBluEyes
    I am so sorry for her loss. As one who lost 2 this year I have some suggestions for things you can do to honor/comfort your friend:

    Bring dinner over to her house now and again. A covered, hot dish to nourish her body and soul will be welcome. Be there to listen when she wants to talk; or hug and just sit when she does not. DO NOT LET others make patronizing remarks like "at least it was early....you are young, you still have time...etc". These are well-meaning, but just add horrible insult to injury and do NOTHING to help her.

    Offer to plant a tree or rose bush in memory of her lost ones. These serve as living tributes and is a heartfelt and sweet gesture......believe me, we want our lost babies to be "acknowledged" somehow...even if intangible to others. People pretty much expect us to "get over it" quick and move on w/life when all we want is for others to realize we lost a CHILD, a CHILD DIED--- and we wish to remember them as such.

    Offer to (or just do it) make a donation to a worthy cause such as March of Dimes in the honor of her lost babies. This will also mean much to her...that you remember and realize these were significant losses to her. And you are doing good for others, too.

    Help her find a place to talk w/others who know how she feels, if she does not know of one. Fetal/infant loss groups are all over and only these people seem to be able to relate to our experiences. Even our own FAMILY members can be thoughtless and just do not understand how we feel. Even something as simple as seasonal changes can trigger crying and emotion in us that makes others think we are crazy. Today is the due date of one of the babies I lost. I can tell you, the pain I feel is tangible and sharp....it hurts so bad.......at a time when others have forgotten ..........I remember........

    Be there for times like this when she feels vulnerable and sadness and depression engulf her. If she shows signs of TRUE clinical depression, encourage her to visit with her OB or family doctor for treatment......she may need help! Clinical depression can be observed when she loses/gains a lot of weight, can't sleep, becomes unkempt in appearance, appears anxious all the time, or just closes up and refuses to talk w/anyone. I can say 3 losses are SIGNIFICANT and anyone could lapse into depression. Dont' let her sink w/o trying to help her find her way.

    I believe you, you don't come across as advertising...you do want to help I hope my suggestions point you in the right direction....

    These are all things you can do...from someone who knows. You cannot make it better, as you know......but you can show in a million ways you care and remember. That will mean the most to her......good luck to you and to her....
  5. by   rdhdnrs
    I am so lucky that both my girls were full-term healthy babies. I think mothering is unique in that even if it was a very early miscarriage, women still mourn the loss of their baby. It is a visceral reaction that I don't think men or women who have not had children can really empathize with. God bless all who have lost a baby. My prayers are with your friend.
  6. by   STEPHIE_RN_2_BE
    Originally posted by SmilingBluEyes
    ..believe me, we want our lost babies to be "acknowledged" somehow...even if intangible to others. People pretty much expect us to "get over it" quick and move on w/life when all we want is for others to realize we lost a CHILD, a CHILD DIED--- and we wish to remember them as such.
    I thank you so much for putting my exact same feelings into words! I had a miscarriage two years ago and I still grieve if I let myself think about the experience and the baby. My fam and friends behave as if it never happened and get awkwardly silent if I ever try to discuss my feelings about the loss of one of my children! I guess I can understand some of that response from their point of view (it is an awkward topic...) but I feel terrible! I definitely want my baby and my loss to be acknowledged.
  7. by   Youda
    Love doesn't have a beginning or an end. I mean that in the sense that when a parent begins to love a child, it is before birth. That love doesn't stop just because the child didn't live. Love isn't something you suddenly stop feeling just because the child died. In fact, not having the chance to show that love to a child makes the loss very painful. When someone can't understand your loss, or tries to minimize its importance to you, let them know that you loved that child even before it was born, so the loss you feel now is that of any parent who has lost a child. Age or how long the child lived makes no difference to that love, because the love isn't based on time. SmilingBlueEyes had some excellent suggestions. {{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}} to you and your friend.
  8. by   SmilingBluEyes
    I have a wonderful book to recommend:

    Unspeakable Losses by Kim Kluger-Bell.

    It really helped put into words the pain I felt w/my losses and also to make sense of it all ......when ready to, we move on. But not until the grief work is done! GET THIS BOOK! It is a lifesaver!