The Truth About Love Handles

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Specializes in Hospice, Critical Care.

Love handles are not, I repeat, not caused by old men scratching their booty until the have noting left but the butt bone. Love Handles are caused by "chest slippage" and the "tightened belt syndrome". Beginning at about age 30 most men experience the beginning stages of the dreaded "Chest Slippage". This occurs when the man's activity level starts to drop, usually because of social situations such as marriage. After marriage a man is no longer free to "roam the jungle" as he was during is unmarried years. If he is a REAL man he gets a job and supports his wife and family. When this happens he cuts back on events that cause him to exercise on a regular basis and then begins "Chest Slippage". To prevent his chest from falling down to his knees he tightens his belt an extra notch. (Tightened belt syndrome) When he does this the relaxed chest muscles pile up on top of the belt resulting in a slight bulge in the stomach area. As more and more chest muscles relax the slight bulge becomes more prominant and starts to move around to the sides just above the hips. This results in "Love Handles". This condition may or may not be hereditary. Research hasn't proved it in either way.

Women sometimes suffer from Love Handles also. Their condition comes from a different source. Yep, sure does. Female "Love Handles" result from a breakdown of the "Hooterino Glands," As women age the Hooterino Glands (Hooterino Mammalinius Whistleus Glands) start to deterioriate, particularly after having children. The support equipment (Hooterino Holders) starts to break down after they increase in size forcing the woman to tighten her belt so she doesn't accidently step on the Hooterinos. The tightened belt results in the Hooterinos being forced to the sides about the hips and, you guess it, Love Handles.