Personal Training ...A MUST read:

Published

Specializes in Everything except surgery.

If you read this without LOL, ther is something wrong with you!

This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary....

For My fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who indentified himself as a 26yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:

Started my day at 0600. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after firve minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already achiing from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTC week!!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Bruce made lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!!

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the moring and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other s**t too.

Thursday:

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire - like teeth exposed as his thin cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with the dumbells. When he was not looking I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine+ which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that Bas**d Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me the &@#% barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the %@ Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband ( b@$#%@d) will chose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hyserectomy.

Untitled..................

:cool:

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Emergency.

Ha ha ha ha. that had to be one of the funniest things I have read this week. I just did a pilates class for the first time. Now, two days later, I have that stupid viral illness everyone else had the good sense to have months ago. My muscles ache from the pilates class and because I feel like hell.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Community Health Nurse.

:chuckle :roll :roll :chuckle

Thanks for the die hard laugh this afternoon, Brownie!

I have tears rolling down my cheeks from reading that. It also gave me flashbacks to the time when I actually worked out at a health club three mornings per week with all the good looking aerobic instructors smiling through every heart wrenching movement. :chuckle Now, at 50, I turn the T.V. to the exercise shows and watch them from my easy chair try to kill themselves -- all the while smiling -- while they step to step to step on one of those goofy step-benches like the one I have stuck in my closet! :chuckle Boy, I need to go pull that thing out of the closet, dust it off, and pull out one of my zillion and one exercise tapes and get to steppin' myself again! :p

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in acute care, supervision, admin.

Great post!!! Sounds like me after working 5 or six twelve hour shifts in a row!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Everything except surgery.

Thanks you guys...:chuckle! When I first read this...I was sitting at the module station at work, and I had to cover my mouth to keep from LOL..:chuckle. So I had to share it...! Glad you liked it..:cool:

Up Vote Up Vote ×

ROFLMAO

;) :kiss blush :imbar :(

bruce:)

bruce:confused:

bruce:mad:

husband:(

me, think I will walk the dog!!!!!

rolling on the floor laughing and laughing and laughing, but now I got to go to work

micro

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Everything except surgery.

:chuckle :chuckle :chuckle

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in SICU.

OMG! ROFLMAO...

Thanks for the laugh...

Up Vote Up Vote ×

This joke was so funny. I sent it off to some of my collegues who share my sense of humour as well as my sister. It is the sort of joke that really can lighten a day. We need to take time out to have a jolly good laugh and store up some of those endorphins!!:roll

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Join the Discussion