nurses as battered women

[O'Rose]

I have been a nurse for thirty years and I have been a battered woman for twenty-five. I never viewed myself as battered. I always thought of my husband as "sick". I have been going through a divorce for past two years. I would like to be able to say that I was the one who left, but sadly no. Yet since he left, I have re-entered relationships which I had let fall to the wayside for years. Through talking to my friends and family, as well as going to therapy, history is being re-written. There is so much that I had pushed out of my mind, in order to survive.

Eighteen months ago, he followed me in his car and was able to run me off the road. Thankfully, an off-duty policeman stopped and called the local police. My husband was incarcerated for about two hours, given a ticket for careless driving and put on probation for violating the restraining order.

Part of the mending that I have been going through has taken place at a woman's group I attend. Also, I have learned so much about abuse. It has caused me to wonder how many women that I worked with or supervised over the years were victims of domestic violence. I have looked through the plethora of information about battered women and have found that nursing has begun to look at the issue, but I cannot see where we look at ourselves.

Since I always worked more than one job in order to maintain our lifestyle, the judge has ordered that I pay my husband alimony. The court says that it is only fair, since "men have been paying for years". I fail to see the comparison. How many men are battered by their wives, assume full responsibility for family and home? I am outraged that I must sell my home, give him half of the money, half the savings...that is enough. However, to pay my tormentor for the rest of my life is unthinkable!

I have been awarded the right to go to a jury trial, since there is enough evidence that I was battered. So far I have spent over $30,000.00 in legal fees and there is much more to come.

Friends have told me that they have known of other nurses who were in similar circumstances. As caretakers, many wonderful nurses are/have been in relationships with men who are alcoholic, addicts, abusive, etc. I have heard of nurses who were ordered by the court to pay alimony, so they selected to stop working. I love being a nurse and do not wish to stop nursing. Furthermore, by doing that I am allowing him to further control my life; and I refuse to do that anymore.

I am interested in speaking with other nurse, who have been abuse and how they recovered. I am also interested in speaking to nurses who were oredered by the courts to pay alimony to their ex's.

I hope that you are out there and that we can be a support to one another.

[O'Rose]

Thanks to all who have taken the time to repl....the well wishers , those who have possible referrals and especially those nurses who were brave enough to share their own pain so openly. I would like to respond to 'passing thru'. Your response is the reason so many of us have never looked for help or believed that we can escape. Nationally, one out of ten women in America are abused (refer to Dr. Lenore Walker's "The Battered Woman". I would dare to say that number is probably higher among nuses, but who knows because we have ignored the issue. These women are in incredible pain and live in continuous danger...many of us are killed. Have no fear, I am looking deeply into myself and working on changing the part of me that allowed myself to be hurt. However, I am committed to the belief that somethig goood come from everyting and I will work very hard to educate women, especially nurse, so that the attitudes you express do not stop them from getting help.

To KMSRN. Thank you so much for your very practical information. Wish that I had known it earlier, but I will incorporate it into my reference work, so that when I meet other women, I can help them.

I am still eager to hear frm women who may have been through situations similar to my own or who have escaped that situation....also any nurse educators or researchers who may read this posting.

Thanks to all

[Shell7280]

I was in an verbally/emotionally/physically abusive relationship for three years. All through nursing school. It was mostly verbally, he'd call me stupid, idiot, his favorite was very demeaning and can't be posted here. He was also 13 years older than me, we started dating when I was 19. So he would yell at me and call me stupid little girl. He was cheating on me all the time, and I'd find little hints and when I'd confront him he'd say I was just being a stupid psycho jealous b****. And when I'd finally get so tired of being called names and getting yelled at and ordered around, I'd tell him I was leaving and I'd try to walk out the door, and thats when the physical stuff started. He'd throw me across the room, pin me on the floor with his knees on my arms till I'd be covered in bruises. ONCE he hit me in the face. He'd sit on me and tell me he was doing it to calm me down, but it really just calmed me down cause I couldn't breath and you can't fight hard when you cant even breath. I remember one incident of a fork flying across a ten foot kitchen and all four prongs stabbing into my leg. My friends and fellow nursing students hated his guts, even though he'd act so sweet around them to me and to them. They could feel his arrogance and his true personality. I started to believe the things he said and thought maybe I did deserve the things I got. I stayed for three years, trying to leave 10 times. He kept promising to marry me and he had bad credit so we bought an engagment ring in my name, which he never payed for. I left two months before graduation, with about 16,000 in his debt that we put in my name, and a broken spirit, and total distrust for men. It's been hard in my new relationship, because of my issues with trust, but I'm lucky to have found someone who loves me and is patient with me.

[BBFRN, BSN, PhD]

Originally posted by O'Rose

I would like to respond to 'passing thru'. Your response is the reason so many of us have never looked for help or believed that we can escape.

Thanks to all

Exactly! And if you feel the need to educate ANYONE on this subject, go right ahead. We can learn a great deal more from those who can provide a heartfelt account of abuse than what is required of us in CEU's.

[Pinky18]

Edited - TOS violation - spam.