O'Rose

Thanks to all who have taken the time to repl....the well wishers , those who have possible referrals and especially those nurses who were brave enough to share their own pain so openly. I would like to respond to 'passing thru'. Your response is the reason so many of us have never looked for help or believed that we can escape. Nationally, one out of ten women in America are abused (refer to Dr. Lenore Walker's "The Battered Woman". I would dare to say that number is probably higher among nuses, but who knows because we have ignored the issue. These women are in incredible pain and live in continuous danger...many of us are killed. Have no fear, I am looking deeply into myself and working on changing the part of me that allowed myself to be hurt. However, I am committed to the belief that somethig goood come from everyting and I will work very hard to educate women, especially nurse, so that the attitudes you express do not stop them from getting help. To KMSRN. Thank you so much for your very practical information. Wish that I had known it earlier, but I will incorporate it into my reference work, so that when I meet other women, I can help them. I am still eager to hear frm women who may have been through situations similar to my own or who have escaped that situation....also any nurse educators or researchers who may read this posting. Thanks to all

Please do not think that gender means that you will get understanding. I have a female attorney, who stated that she specializes in battered women...that she herself was battered. She pressured me so much to settle and not to attempt to go to civil court for my claim of battering. She said that she was trying to help me save legal fees and was concerned about my bleak economic future. She never worried about money in the beginning...I have paid her almost $30,000.00 and she has racked up another $18,000.00 worth of fees...now she is worried about my future! It turns out that she has never gotten a case this far! she has succeeded into getting the women to settle by now. Also turns out that she has had two abusive husbands, her sister has been abused and none of them went to therapy. She never even read a single self help book and actually charged me for buying the book "The Battered Woman", written by Dr. Lenore Walker, to help her in preparing for my case. I am concerned about the lack of resources for women in this regard. I thiunk that if there was more open education and proper funding and networking, more women could be helped. As nurses, I hope that we can begin by educating nurses about this issue, studying it/researching it especially among nurses themselves.

Dear SuzanneSue, My heart is sad for you. Thank you for sharing yourself so openly. I understand what you have to say about the authorities and the legal system...although your examples may even be worse than my own. On September 11 2001, my ex showed up at my front door with two policemen at 10:00 pm. I didn't hear them knocking because I was asleep in a back room. The police department called me and told me to open the door. I came to the door and asked one officer to come in. I showed him my restraining order. He told me that I had no choice that I had to let him in to get some clothes. I told him that he had been gone since January...what could he possibly want this late at night. I felt intimidated and embarassed by the police, so I let them in. My ex was smirking in my face. He wanted to take luggage and I said no...he had already taken enough of the luggage. The police said what do you want him to use? He cursed at me, as he got his belongings...said I didn't put them away neat enough. He went downstairs and started going through the cd's that he wanted...the police handed him their flashlight so he could see better. That was it..I told them they had to leave. On the way out, he started to unplug the cd player. I said to the police that they had to stop him...this was illegal. They laughed and finally drove off. I called my lawyer the next morning and he told me that I should not have let them in. I called the police to report what happened and I was told "I think it was considerate of him to call the police to come to the house, no matter how late it was. What would make you happy, if he knocked the door in?" I had a lawyer drop me because I would cry when he yelled at me...drop the case two weeks before we were due in court. That was after I had given him $8,000.00. I don't want to burn down my house, but I can understand your feelings. I am so sorry for your pain. It has helped me to read voluminously (start with Dr. Lenore Walker's 'The Battered Woman'), go to therapy, and talk to other women who have been in the same situation...to share stories and not feel so alone. The women I have met are beautiful and talented...who would guess what we went through each day before and after we go to work...days off were only times of tears. Don't give up on yoourself. I believe that we are all supposed to be loved. First we have to love ourselves and think we deserve better. That is why I am going public and looking for help from other nurses....perhaps one day I will be able to help them myself. I cannot believe or accept that all this pain has been for nothing.

Thank you for your support. I have already checked the SNA, and not much help in that direction. Thank you for your good wishes.

I have been a nurse for thirty years and I have been a battered woman for twenty-five. I never viewed myself as battered. I always thought of my husband as "sick". I have been going through a divorce for past two years. I would like to be able to say that I was the one who left, but sadly no. Yet since he left, I have re-entered relationships which I had let fall to the wayside for years. Through talking to my friends and family, as well as going to therapy, history is being re-written. There is so much that I had pushed out of my mind, in order to survive. Eighteen months ago, he followed me in his car and was able to run me off the road. Thankfully, an off-duty policeman stopped and called the local police. My husband was incarcerated for about two hours, given a ticket for careless driving and put on probation for violating the restraining order. Part of the mending that I have been going through has taken place at a woman's group I attend. Also, I have learned so much about abuse. It has caused me to wonder how many women that I worked with or supervised over the years were victims of domestic violence. I have looked through the plethora of information about battered women and have found that nursing has begun to look at the issue, but I cannot see where we look at ourselves. Since I always worked more than one job in order to maintain our lifestyle, the judge has ordered that I pay my husband alimony. The court says that it is only fair, since "men have been paying for years". I fail to see the comparison. How many men are battered by their wives, assume full responsibility for family and home? I am outraged that I must sell my home, give him half of the money, half the savings...that is enough. However, to pay my tormentor for the rest of my life is unthinkable! I have been awarded the right to go to a jury trial, since there is enough evidence that I was battered. So far I have spent over $30,000.00 in legal fees and there is much more to come. Friends have told me that they have known of other nurses who were in similar circumstances. As caretakers, many wonderful nurses are/have been in relationships with men who are alcoholic, addicts, abusive, etc. I have heard of nurses who were ordered by the court to pay alimony, so they selected to stop working. I love being a nurse and do not wish to stop nursing. Furthermore, by doing that I am allowing him to further control my life; and I refuse to do that anymore. I am interested in speaking with other nurse, who have been abuse and how they recovered. I am also interested in speaking to nurses who were oredered by the courts to pay alimony to their ex's. I hope that you are out there and that we can be a support to one another.