Relapsed, hubby furious

SNB1014, RN · Jun 16, 2016

First off, I'm sorry you relapsed. Addiction is insidious, cunning and as you can see, progressive in it's nature and consequences. Have you been to a NA meeting since this all went down? I'd get my booty to one asap and start a log that you get signed by the chair- you don't know what may lay ahead and it is not only in your recovery's best interest, it may prove beneficial to show law enforcement, the board and attorney. Do The Next Right Thing!! Call your old sponsor....you're going to need it.

To be frank, while it would be awesome for Hubbs to be understanding, supportive, patient, calm, etc....don't push him on it just yet. I don't know about you, but for most, they don't get caught the first and only time it happened. Whether you shrugged the relapse off or have been riddled with guilt, the fact is you have known about this (the whole ugly truth) much longer than hubbs. My husband had valid reasons to be surprised, feel duped, lied to, ignored and confused. These actions have professional, financial, interpersonal, legal, criminal and health consequences. My husband also never had to deal first hand with addiction and quite frankly, he was disgusted and furious. To this day, he does not know the full extent....my recovery friends, sponsor, lawyer and sister do. That is because complete honesty for the sake of honesty and not regard for a person's current ability to process and emotionally handle the full truth is not always a good idea. Meet your husband where he is at.

Which leads me to the most hardest yet healthiest thing I could do....I let him be furious. He was cold and I kept trying to warm up to him and act "overly normal"....he later told me afterwards that really pissed him off. As if I wasn't taking this seriously. It was like immediate gratification or trying to force change bc I felt uncomfortable . I had to stop forcing this to be fixed. It's a terrible feeling to have when you are guilty and the person you love most in the world knows it and can't stand you. Sit with it. Don't dwell, don't allow him to be vicious with his words, demean your self worth, etc. My husband had never been verbally abusive before, but he reacted in ways that fed my shame. I realize now that's because I kept trying to have him "get over this and move on" and it made him angrier. The last time he said something hurtful I said, "you have every right to be furious, but you are being cruel right now and that's not ok. I'm going to take the dog on a walk, bye." It's hard to stand up for yourself when you feel like you have 2 broken legs, but you have to.

The reasons as to "why why why" will be answered as you go through your steps and in recovery. Those reasons are yours and if/when you feel comfortable, share them with him. Addiction and it's behaviors only make sense to other addicts-thank God otherwise the world would be crazier! I had said early on to my husband that at up until this point I had been making excuses and in denial. I cannot give you a rational answer to irrational behavior. I hate what I did, but I accept responsibility for it and am trying to do the next right thing and I hope you'll still be here to see my recovery in action. He said he "hoped so too"-that was very difficult to hear, but was reality.

As for the light at the end of the tunnel....that will only come after you string together a lot of continuous clean days. For reasons you may not know yet, you haven't been dealing with life on life's terms. I can only say that praying that I simply "just for today, I will do the next right thing" kept me in check.

Also, from your other post you hinted that there may be legal/criminal consequences on top of just being terminated. This will likely impact your life, overall and in day to day matters. Tell those who love you and will be effected by this possibility, like your parents, siblings, best friend, etc. Family support is so helpful when you have it. They may be able to support you in ways maybe your husband isn't ready to yet.

Lastly, while it will be an unpleasant conversation, I think it might be a good idea to come up with a general game plan by including your husband. Can you guys afford a lawyer? If you get reported to the police, you often need a separate lawyer for criminal matters versus one for your license. Do you need rehab/detox/outpatient? Is your insurance in order to allow for this? I would strive for a strictly practical discussion.

I feel for you. I wish you healthy choices and good luck as you move forward. Keep us posted or you can private message me!

catmom1, BSN, RN · Jun 16, 2016

Wow SNB1014 said a mouthful! The only comment I have to add to her outstanding post is that anger is always a cover for hurt or fear and I am sure your husband is feeling both things since you have relapsed.

Take care, OP, and know that you are NOT alone. :hug:

Catmom :paw:

tarab333, BSN · Jun 16, 2016

Thank you both for your warmth and understanding, it means so much, yes, I just beed to take it a day at a time!

tarab333, BSN · Jun 17, 2016

Thanks for the advice about including him in the game plan, because at first he simply didn't want to be involved, so one morning I told him that I would handle everything, that I got myself here, I would get myself out, and..... he replied, "Oh, no, I want to know what's going to happen" so we had a relatively calm discussion while I laid out my options, thoughts, etc. It seemed to help. Time will tell, I just have to focus on the now, and you're right, the next right thing.

tarab333, BSN · Jun 22, 2016

okay, so I just spoke with my employer and HR, drug screen was positive of course, they offered EAP, and I accepted. My question is, since I completed an Alternative to Discipline program 8 years ago with the board, should I disclose that to EAP if they ask? Can the board disclose that to HR? Does anyone know? Thanks.