I wish the phrase "nurses eat their young" had never been coined. Thirty some years ago when I was a new grad, the phrase hadn't yet been coined. When I had problems with my co-workers, I could only look at my own behavior. I was young, fresh off the farm and totally unprepared for my new job as a nurse.
I wish I had a dollar for every post I've read claiming that "nurses are so mean," "nurses are nasty to each other," "nurses eat their young" or "my preceptor is picking on me for no good reason." And then if you add in all the nurses who are "fired for NO reason" or is hated by their co-workers because they're so much younger and more beautiful than everyone around them or just can't get along with their colleagues no matter what they do -- well, I'd be a rich woman. I could retire to Tahiti and lounge on the beach sipping margaritas and eating BON bons. Or whatever. You catch my drift.
I'm beginning to believe that the nurses, nursing students, new grads and CNAs who claim that everyone is being mean to them are revealing far more about their own character than they are about the people around them.
It's A Pattern
It's usually pretty much a pattern -- someone who is new to nursing, new to a specialty or new to a job posts a plaintive lament about how everyone they work with is just so MEAN. Often times, when the poster goes on to describe the situation, it's just that they had a negative interaction with one nurse -- and often just that one time. It's as if no one is allowed to have a bad day. There are no allowances made for the colleague who may be a bit brusque because they've been up all night with a cranky baby or a wandering parent with dementia or their dog just died or even -- heaven forbid -- they're weary of answering that same question over and over without any learning occurring.
People Have Bad Days
It's just one of those things. We cannot all call in sick every time we've had to stay up all night with a child or parent, put the dog to sleep or take antihistamines. We can't all not come to work every time the sewer backs up, the roof leaks or the car won't start. Some of us on any given day have worries and responsibilities outside the job. If you happen to encounter a colleague on the day she discovered her husband was cheating on her, her child crashed another car or the space heater fried a whole circuit they might just be rude to you. They probably don't mean it, possibly don't even realize they WERE rude to you. Cut them some slack. Even preceptors have really bad days when nothing goes right. If you're looking for nurses eating their young or being mean and nasty to their co-workers, you'll find them. Whether or not they actually ARE young-eaters or mean nurses.
"Coworkers Are So Mean To Me"
Another common theme is a poster complaining about how mean her new co-workers are to her. She's never done anything to deserve it, she's always been pleasant and helpful and she thinks (or someone has told her) that they're picking on her because they are just so jealous of her relative youth and beauty. I'm suggesting that if that's what you believe -- that you're perfect, but your co-workers are jealous of your youth and beauty -- you ought to perhaps look a little deeper. Much of the time, there will be another reason that you're not getting along with the people at work. Perhaps you're not being as friendly and helpful as you think. Perhaps you're not carrying your full share of the workload, or aren't learning despite asking the same questions over and over or are rude to people you perceive as "old dogs who ought to retire" or "ugly old hags."
If you're writing in to complain that "mean people follow me everywhere" and "I've had five jobs since I graduated six months ago, and my preceptors have all been nasty" or "nurses eat their young and I know that because I'm always being eaten," stop and think for a minute. If the same problem follows you everywhere you go, it may not be them. There's a good chance that it's YOU. You can change jobs as many times as you like, but everywhere you go, there you are. Since the only person you can change is YOU, stop and think about what you might be doing to contribute to your problems. A little self-assessment and introspection can only be a good thing.
"Nurses Eat Their Young"
I wish the phrase "nurses eat their young" had never been coined. Thirty some years ago when I was a new grad, the phrase hadn't yet been coined. When I had problems with my co-workers, I could only look at my own behavior. I was young, fresh off the farm and totally unprepared for my new job as a nurse. When I grew up and learned more, my co-workers became much nicer people. While I know that lateral violence does exist, I don't think it exists to the point that some people seem to think it does. Or to the degree that a regular reader of allnurses.com could believe it does. Every time you have a negative interaction with a co-worker, it's not necessarily lateral violence. It could very well be that someone is having a very, very bad day. Or week. Or it could be that rather than your co-workers being jealous of your extreme good looks, you're regularly doing something really stupid or thoughtless that irritates or annoys them. Quite possibly, the problem is you. Maybe you're not studying enough, learning enough, understanding enough or doing enough. Certainly if you're always having the same problems over and over again, everywhere you go, the problem IS you.
The only person you can "fix" is you. I really, really wish that people would at least consider the possibility that they are part of the problem before they scream that "nurses eat their young."
annmarie, age 58, NP for 15 years, nurse for over 25 years,
I agree with many of the opinions, but there does seem to be a little defensiveness in some of the comments.
Here is my take on this, as a 'seasoned nurse of age 58'. I was once a young and attractive nurse, and naive. I had a preceptor who was almost ready to retire, walked with a limp, I'm sure was in constant pain, and mercilessly tortured me. Why? I don't know. I almost quit nursing because of her. She picked on me, was rude to me, singled me out. It was the associate director of the program ( who I went to in tears when this 'sourpuss' dismissed me from clinical one day for being unprepared - notwithstanding the fact I had just had a death in the family and still showed up) that talked me into staying.
Through the years there have always been 'the young and entitled' - and this pertains to med students as well, whom I have had the privilege of herding during clinic. The young and entitled cannot do more than one thing at a time, get upset when you ask them to do a second thing - because it's just too much, or they were'nt expecting it ' like 'see another patient? but I haven't presented this first patient yet?' - but more like this will cut into their gossip session or internet surfing time.
But let's not overlook the fact that there is still serious incivility present in our academic institutions and workplace. Not only incivility - there is violence as well. Recently in the news there was a shooting in a hospital in CT where an elderly patient pulled out a gun and attempted to shoot a nurse - a male nurse, a former military man, jumped to the rescue, and was shot in the leg and disarmed the patient.
There is real violence and real incivility in our society. Bad things happen to all of us. But as professionals, we should leave it at home, and put on our professional demeanor, and NOT take it out on our patients, our co-workers, or family members.
If things are that bad, please go to EAP and sort things out. It's not ok to dump on other people. Yes, it happens, but as the saying goes, it all just trickles down. . . and creates a really bad workplace mileau.
Let's not make excuses for being 'martyrs' or being the perpetrators of incivility. I think nurses, as professionals, are much better than that.
Stiff upper lip, smile, then go to the gym. Join a kick boxing club, and kick the crap out of a bag. Not your patients, your co-workers, or your loved ones. It just won't do. And don't forget that humor is the stress reliever of all.
I am a "seasoned" nurse who has been nursing now for 20 years, and I've only had 2 jobs in my nursing career, and I am here to tell you there ARE alot of mean nurses( in the coworker sense) out there, but also some great ones. I currently work with a fellow nurse (even more seasoned than I am) who makes my life torture with her rudeness and bullying, to the point that I've actually asked her to stop, then later address it with administration who basically told me to handle it myself but let her know if it continued even though I had already talked to this person, so I'm still in the same boat. This person talks about me to my coworkers, counts my meds., it's virtually harrassment. Other people complain about this nurse's behavior behind her back, but don't stand up to her because they're afraid she'll start trouble for them as well. Of course some days are better than others, but my point is, it's not the even just the new nurse who is getting bullied, but seasoned nurses do as well. I think there needs to be a "no tolerance" policy for bullying and maybe even more focus on this in nursing school...perhaps even a course focusing on this issue, then maybe it will begin to change. I also feel that employers need to actually care about this issue as well. It's sad that people who are in the art of caring would treat eachother this way. So, I'm not trying to be a "whiner", just telling you my experience.
What is wrong with management that they can not control this sort of thing? It is infuriating. I keep to myself now totally. I help my co-workers but you will never hear me chatting or ever speaking about anything besides the patients and their needs and our work. Of course...THIS behavior has started a whole new round of gossip about me. "why isn't she social, why doesn't she chat with us, she only talks to the docs.... etc"...(yes, because the physicians don't play this stupid game).
I look forward to moving away from the med-surg environment into ICU world. I hear there is much less of this there. It is too bad, because I really like med-surg. There are not a lot of RNs who like med-surg; I could have been a great asset if my nasty co-workers could have overlooked my good looking a$$. The med-surg world has just lost a great nurse because of their MEAN culture. Hello...ICU!!!!
I love your article!! I feel the same way & wish co-workers would not "take it personally ", but they do. Nursing can be very stressful & I understand that & don't take it personal when I clearly know it's not you personally, just the stress of the job. Good read!! Thanks.
It's not much better online, you show one ounce of being a human being and you get criticized and ridiculed and/or have rude comments about your actions.
I have tried multiple times to get advice from people on this site and every time most the time its ignored or I'm treated like I don't know what I'm doing...
FLmed
159 Posts
Amen!! :-)