Nurse Heal Thyself

After I wrote the initial article about my decision to have reconstructive surgery 17 years after surviving breast cancer ("Quest for Girls" published on this site) the preliminary work was done. Now it was time to complete the final phase of my project to become whole again and receive my final implants. This experience proved to be much more enlightening than my past surgical experience of initial reconstruction, and I couldn't imagine how it would change me both physically and emotionally.

Nurse Heal Thyself

Arriving with full knowledge of what the procedure entailed and with promised results being nothing less than glowing, I was experiencing a kind of anxious, queasy feeling that day. After giving health care for over thirty years, anyone would have a slightly "different" reaction to being a patient and quite frankly it is not something most of us old nurses are good at. No one really ever wants to be on this side of the coin but we are grateful to our colleagues when there is a time of need.

Saying "goodbye" to my best friend, who has been my support person through this so called project, I followed my admit nurse back to the surgical suite to wait my turn. After an hour delay, and partially out of boredom, I found myself watching the different OR teams closely. When I graduated from nursing school for the second time and completed an RN program 17 years ago my intent was to become an OR nurse. I watched as they followed through with all the stringent protocols of checking names and confirming allergies and procedures with each individual patient, and an unexpected feeling of envy and sadness came over me. For the past 15 years I had put my heart and soul into long term care management positions and each day given some of myself to each of my "special friends." I rarely, if ever, had given much thought to what could have been different had life dealt to me a different set of circumstances...quite possibly, had cancer not derailed me, I would have been working in this capacity all these years. This was very much an "in your face" reality check, and at a very un-anticipated time.

When it came my turn things did not progress as smoothly as my nurse anesthetist anticipated. When the shot in my IV failed to give me a nice glow, I quickly mentioned this to her as they were wheeling me down to the OR. I was wide awake and should have been far off in the land of La. A quick assessment revealed that my IV was not patent, so when I arrived in the OR a new one was promptly placed. During this process, a caring special nurse made every effort to make me comfortable, giving me kind words and explaining the basics of what was happening around me as I could hear the team moving about setting up equipment and getting me ready for surgery. I thought, "Wow! I am a nurse and I understand all of these processes. I can't even imagine how a lay person would feel right now."

This is a perfect example of why nurses play a special role because no one in that OR team had any idea that I was a colleague. To them I was just another case that they were doing their best to keep safe, secure and bring through a surgical procedure to return home for recovery. Given the emotional ups and down I had experienced that day, this nurse was there to ease me into my experience and was doing a fantastic job. As a fellow nurse, it meant the world to me; as an OR lay person, it meant everything.

A few days into my recovery process my thoughts went back to that surgical team quite often. "What if" is always something that will be in my mind about my success as an OR nurse but in a few weeks I will return to my "special friends" and my real world of nursing. As I look in the mirror I feel whole again and realize that while I will always wonder, the sadness about this "what if" moment has already started to subside and I truly believe that we all have a purpose and find them sometimes by fate, sometimes by force. The right person there to guide us at just the right time can make a world of difference, and one way or another that was my fate. As this thought sets in, the mirror reflects my smile on the inside as well as on the outside.

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Lindsey McGraw

About Lindsey McGraw

Spunky old nurse who loves to cook for friends.

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Thank you for your story. It makes me feel good to be an OR nurse when I hear what those brief moments mean to a patient. Seems like any time management shares a letter from a pt, the pt remembers everybody BUT the OR nurses (usually thanks to Versed and the other 'goodies'). The part of my job I love the most is putting warm blankets on a pt and holding their hand and telling them we are going to take good care of them. It's so nice to be remembered!! :loveya:

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Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..

I concur completely with your comment about letting Letha go when she was tired of hanging on to a live debilitated body. I have felt the same way many times although my daughters don't pester like her daughters did. Wonderful message Marla.

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Thanks for sharing :)

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Nurses helping nurses...I love it=) As a recent RN grad, these kind of stories will continue to rekindle my enthusiasm for nursing...always!! Thank you for sharing.

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Lindsey, thank you for sharing your thoughts. "What ifs" can sometimes bring us down but in this instance just think, "what if you were not there to help, support and encourage those "special friends" you have had over the years"

One of the best things about nursing is there are so many places one can work and make a difference. Sometimes we are where we are because that is where we need to be to help some one else. As I have also found out breast cancer will change your life and it isn't always in a bad way. Congratulations on being a survivor!

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Specializes in Management, Emergency, Psych, Med Surg.

I think that most of us have had those moments of extreme clarity that have a profound effect on how we feel about a situation. As a nurse, we all have varied experiences, yet so many of our experiences are the same. Because we have been given this gift of being able to help those who for what ever reason cannot help themselves at that time in their lives. And I do believe it is a gift and I have come to feel more spiritual about this as I grow older. It is wonderful that you were able to have your surgery and become "whole" again. But I would bet that you have always had a very big whole heart.

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