tldr: quit my first NP job because of berating from an attending, unsafe unit, long commute, and mean fellows. Said attending has now slandered me in my 30 day review and now I'm worried I can't a job in the health system now or if I should even be an NP.
I've been a RN for 7 years, worked in the CTICU, but the last few years I was casual as I was in NP school and had a toddler. I did my clinical at a busy level 1 trauma and academic center, where I worked in the neuro ICU and CTICU. I loved every second of my clinical and was really excited to start working in the busy and large neuro ICU I did clinical on as a new ACNPC-AG.
There were a few red flags: sign on bonus, having to rehire ALL new staff as everyone with seniority left, a really talented PA was actively under litigation from a patient, and my second week I got a post-OP patient from the OR in pulmonary edema and did not know after the patient was reversed and peri-arrested (he ended up fine). The icing on the cake is that I have been treated like a resident and have been keeping up so-so, but this last week, my fifth, was a heavy assignment with a bad fellow who was not helping me and an evil attending who got off on embarrassing me in front of everyone. Mind you, the other two attending have been giving me feedback, which I was working on, but this evil attending was giving me conflicting information (too specific, too general, not disclosing my plan enough, too tangental, etc.) and it turns out she said I was refusing procedures. Yeah, I did because I refused procedures on a patient 4 other people were not able to get an arterial line in, so why do I think I would be able to after me doing one? Also, I let neurology do the LP on a patient they said they were going to do one one, so again, that is me refusing a procedure?
I sent an email to my manager last week after my last shift with Evil Attending after crying in her office and stating that I will be transferring early if it was OK with her, it was, and I sent an email to my supervisor of what happened. I did not tell her that the fellow has been yelling or making fun of me, but apparently I should have done that and go against my desire to not be a snitch. The Evil Attending had said how horrible I was, I refuse procedures, etc. on my HR review and now I don't know if I will be able to transfer, or if I'll even be able to have any choice in where I go. I would love to do cardiology or CT surgery but at this point I don't even know if I can get a job now.
The kicker is that the area I live in 80% of the health systems are covered by the one I work for so if I am black listed by this health system I am out of a job pretty much. I applied for other jobs but since I don't have any experience I cant get one, which I call the Millennial Paradox. I'm glad I didn't stay at the neuro ICU because it seems that if I did she would have had it out for me even worse, and thank God that I only worked 5 shifts with her to screw me over. I think what happened is that I started crying after her last little abuse session, and while I was in her office she was texting someone, who it turns out was my manager to presumably cover her ***. After she had this little meeting with my manager she still was humiliating me during afternoon rounds so she must not have been too serious about 'being there to support me.' This is like Game of Thrones stuff, which I am not used to. I asked my supervisor to file a complaint against the Evil Attending, but I don't know what to do as she is a physician and I am very much not.
So, what do I do now? I am just floored, and I have never had any issues like this in my whole career. Is it always like this? Should I just go back to nursing? Hope and pray that I can get some hospitalist job if I my new HR record doesn't keep me unemployed? I tried so hard and I am so embarrassed and feel so horrible about myself right now because I don't know what I did to precipitate this.
