Need Help on Admission Essay

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I have to submit my essay for the admission. Here is my essay. If someone could give me some idea on what I should revise I will be really appreciate

What life experiences and personal qualities will make you an outstanding professional nurse?

Autobiography

I have never intended to enter a healthcare career, nor did I have a passion or motive towards health care education. However, ever since high school as I began to help out my grandparents and my parents with translating during their doctor appointments, I gradually developed an interest in the healthcare field. It was fascinating and very inspirational to witness such caring and compassionate work that the nurses and health care staffs performed. I learned that this profession requires extensive critical thinking, which is rooted in evidence based on practice and compassion. As that may be, I lacked confidence in myself, especially due to language barriers leading me to have more of a difficult time obtaining relevant information regarding the field. But with the help of my counselor in High school, I was able to enroll in some classes that helped me to acquaint and extend my knowledge of the health care system. These motives lead me to have a desire to provide a holistic and benevolent care in a career that is deeply inspiring.

I am bilingual in English and Vietnamese. I came to the United States as an immigrant seven years ago. My family's biggest struggle was definitely the language barrier. Both of my parents do not speak English. However, my dad had living with seizure disorder since 1980s cause by the traffic accident. Later, he was also diagnosed with Hepatitis C. My mom was diagnosed with an abnormal mammogram. The rest of our family and I wanted my parents to continue with the treatment. I, however, was clueless of medical terminology, which restricted me from helping them and myself understand their illness. As a result, I began to become more determined to learn about medical terminology, which further resulted in researching my parents' illnesses. I could not imagine how frustrating it was for my parents when they are unable to fully understand their illness. Fortunately, my journey in high school allowed me to gain some knowledge and the determination to help my parents.

I continued to devote most of my time participating in volunteering activities at church as well as in the Vietnamese Community after I graduated from High School. I was able to gain leadership and teamwork skills through all the events that I personally coordinated along with being a member of the coordinating team. With all the new skill sets I have learned throughout my volunteer work, I am now working as a medical assistant for one of the good clinics in Houston. This has helped me improved my knowledge about the career. Everyday, I help patients assess their cholesterol and glucose level as well as perform vital signs on them, and guide them through examinations such as blood work, ultrasound or other tests that the clinic has offer. Here, I learned the importance of health care services and the responsibility to human life. I was inspired to become more dedicated in studying, so that I could obtain as much biological knowledge as I can, in hope to become someone that can change people's lives.

Just like I see from the people who work at the clinic. Now I am able to acknowledge and appreciate the value and importance of exceptional work performed in the healthcare system. It is beyond a significant role to reduce the pain and suffering of people, I think that what motivates and encourages all nurses and doctors to endlessly perform. I truly admire the skill and passion they have. I can definitely see myself in the shoes of nurses, determined to give the best I can to those in need. Especially towards what doctors, nurses, hospital assistants and all the other staff would do to their utmost to save another life. Their levels of humanity impress me enormously. The journey that I have experienced up to now has encouraged me to have the urge and motive to continue carrying on the duty as a good as a nurse for the future.

Specializes in Prior military RN/current ICU RN.. Has 16 years experience.

You want "someone" to give you "some idea" ? Who is this "someone"? What if they are a truck driver? or professional golfer? Be wary basing your admission to nursing school to "someone" for "some idea" on the internet.

Zyprexa_Ho

709 Posts

"I have never intended to enter a healthcare career, nor did I have a passion or motive towards health care education" Well, that's not true because you then went on to explain why you intend to enter a healthcare career.

"However, my dad had living with seizure disorder since 1980s cause by the traffic accident." *has been living with*

*caused by a traffic accident*

"My mom was diagnosed with an abnormal mammogram." An abnormal mammogram is not a diagnosis. It is an abnormal finding. *"My mom had an abnormal finding on her mammogram"

"my parents' illnesses" Congrats on using that apostrophe correctly. A lot of people who speak English as their first language can't do that properly.

" Vietnamese Community" *Vietnamese community

"I am now working as a medical assistant for one of the good clinics in Houston" I would say "for a great clinic" instead of "one of the good clinics." It just sounds better.

"This has helped me improved my knowledge about the career" *improve my knowledge for a career in healthcare

"Everyday, I help patients assess their cholesterol and glucose level as well as perform vital signs on them" First, *every day (there needs to be a space between these two words in this context). Second, the patients are not assessing their cholesterol levels, and neither are you. Assessing is done by registered nurses, not MAs.

" I was inspired to become more dedicated in studying, so that I could obtain as much biological knowledge as I can, in hope to become someone that can change people's lives" *dedicated to studying. lose the comma between studying and so. I would use the word "medical" instead of "biological." Oh, you got my hopes up with the previous apostrophe usage. In this context it is "peoples'" not "people's".

"Just like I see from the people who work at the clinic." This is a sentence fragment.

"I think that what motivates and encourages all nurses and doctors to endlessly perform." I think that *is* what motivates.... to *perform well*.

"Especially towards what doctors, nurses, hospital assistants and all the other staff would do to their utmost to save another life". This is a sentence fragment. I would remove this entirely from your essay.

"Their levels of humanity impress me enormously." *Their level of humanity impresses me....

"The journey that I have experienced up to now has encouraged me to have the urge and motive to continue carrying on the duty as a good as a nurse for the future." Remove "up to now." *to have the motivation. Urge and motive are synonyms. Using both is redundant. "to continue carrying on the duty as a good as a nurse for the future" This implies that you are already a nurse. You are not. I would say "to continue developing myself to become the best nurse I can be."