My recovery story...

[RecoverRN]

I'm a new member here, but lurked for quite awhile during the early phases of my recovery. I want to share a little bit of my story and appreciation for the guidance and resources I found here during that very scary time.

I was a very active, professional, highly regarded nurse certified in a specialty which gave me access to many different types and large quantities of narcotics. For many years I performed my job well and was highly respected and well liked by my peers and superiors. I took on many roles on committees and councils, precepted new nurses, and began attending graduate school. By all accounts, I had it all together.

I can't say what caused me to start to use. This is still something I'm struggling to understand myself. Of course like most addicts, the disease creeps up on us and begins as something infrequent, casual, not problematic. I went from occasionally taking half a vicodin on a Friday night to diverting and injecting controlled substances in a matter of months. I did things during the height of my addiction that, looking back, I simply cannot believe. Of course when I started, I was careful. Convinced myself that not only wasn't it a problem, but that I was too smart to get caught. My brain was sick enough to believe these things. Looking back, I can't believe I didn't get caught sooner than I did.

When I was finally confronted, I freaked out. I denied, denied, denied. Of course I lost that job and immediately realized I had to do something before I lost EVERYTHING I had worked so hard for. During the time that I was out of work (about 2 months), I got clean. I stopped using on my own, without treatment. I am grateful that I was able to accomplish that because without a job, income or insurance I surely couldn't have afforded treatment. I think the biggest driving force for me at the time was a) the inability to obtain the drugs I had been abusing, and b) the fear of losing my license. I realize now that avoidance and fear are NOT good motivators to staying sober, but I suppose it was all I had at the time.

I relocated and found a new job, choosing one away from bedside care to eliminate my access to narcotics, both to avoid any future suspicion or temptation. I LOVE this job and was grateful every day for this new opportunity. Six months passed and I was doing well at my new job, maintaing my sobriety but only just. Eventually, I lost hold of it. For as we all know, where there's an addict's will, there's a way. I once again got my hands on my drug of choice (but only in very small quantities- the only thing preventing me from falling back into the same EXTREME patterns as before), and soon enough realized that I hadn't even BEGUN to recover from my addiction- I had merely managed to stay chemically sober for a time, but for all the wrong reasons. I hadn't done anything to change my mindset or my behavior.

Fortunately, I have a very understanding boss. I still have a job, and joining my state's monitoring program does not affect that since I wisely stepped away from my certified specialty which had allowed me endless access to all the drugs my heart desired. I have spent a lot of time reading posts on this forum and others, and realize how incredibly fortunate I am to have not gone through some of the immense trauma and losses some of the rest of you have- I have not lost my house, my car, my family, my job or my license. I can't even begin to understand how I have come away with such fortune, but I appreciate that I have. Lord knows that I have done enough damage to deserve all of those things and more. I have insurance and income and can now afford treatment. I realize how truly lucky I am in that respect.

I have just now started to shed the shame and guilt I felt for my addictive behaviors and though I haven't completely FORGIVEN myself for them, I know that I can, and will. I am GRATEFUL for the opportunity to be a nurse in recovery. I have nothing but positive thoughts and feelings for my monitoring program. Is it a lot of work? A lot of money? A giant inconvenience? HECK YES! But I need that accountability, and I am willing to do EVERYTHING required of me because I realize how lucky I am to even have that opportunity.

So I wanted to say thank you to everyone here who had the courage to share their stories and to help those of us newly embarking on recovery- whether you realized you were helping us or not. I do credit my success in recovery to this point to the inspiration and support I've received from other nurses who have been in my shoes and achieved great things. Success in recovery is a long-term process, one that I've only just embarked on, but I look forward to the challenges of the journey.

When I was at my lowest point and looking for solace on message boards like these, someone said something that stuck with me and helped me through: It DOES get better. You CAN be happy again. I held onto that sentiment during those dark days when I thought I could never feel normal again, that I would never be able to beat this. So I'm proud to be able to say now, that I AM happy again. My life IS better. I DO feel like myself again. I DO NOT let my addiction control me anymore. And honest to God, I never, ever, ever imagined I would be able to say that.

[TXRN2]

congratulations on your sobriety & your recovery!! it is a glorious thing, isn't it??!!