My husband won't let me do bed baths

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I told my husband that we are doing bed baths in lab on Friday. He looked at me strange and asked me why on earth I would want to do that. I told him that it is just something you do as a nurse. He looked at me weird and I told him we would be in shorts and a tank top. He said "Your not letting some guy practice on you!" I told him that it was a medical professional think and that it was not like the male student would be turned on or something. He said that the guy could and that no guy was giving me a sponge bath. I asked, "what if I was in an accident and in the hospital and they had to give me a bath?" and he said "I would give you a bath":madface: Has any one hand any problems with this? I better not tell him that eventually we will be learning to do cathaters...on males...

no, I have never had this problem, I am married to an adult.

If he is that controlling and freaked about bed baths, he surely isnt going to take the idea of you holding a member in your hand to do a foley, or cleaning a man after a BM in bed. this is part of everyday. body parts. If it is going to cause him trauma that he cant get over, and you are going to allow him to tell you what you can and cannot do, all will not be well for you two and you should consider a different profession. I am a third semester student and I have already lost count of the number of naked rear ends and winkies I have seen

i dont understand when this woman asked for advice why so many seem to be intent on causing trouble for her - which implying her hubby is not an adult or he is controlling or the other things people have said here - telling her to tell him just get over it instead of giving her advice of ways to go about perhpas compromising and or talking it out with her hubby. the way the OP stated it i got the fact that his biggest worry wasnt what she was doing but on whom she wsa doing it - ie a very vibrant young perhaps NOT sick male - if they can talk it out and she can get him to understand its part of the job ( which there is NO reason she has to do it in clinicals on the opposite sex - THAt can be done on real sick people - the classroom is just to get the basics not to get perfected ) - perhpas the guy really is a jerk and controlling as some have pointedout but unless we know this i am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is just worried about loosing his wife as an insecuritie - that is as real an issue as someone being depressed and anxiety and other forms of mental issues - not to mention a tad bit of jealousy can spce up a love life- id give both my legs just for a tad bit of green in hubbies eyes to SHOW me he loves me - just my opinion.

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Thank God we didn't have to give EACHOTHER bed baths at the beginning of nursing school (I'm soooo modest)! My husband would have reacted the same...he is just immature and jealous sometimes! HaHa. For the most part, it is in a joking manner and I keep him in check when it gets out of hand. He was uncomfortable with the idea of me catheterizing male pts at first, and I just had to present him with reality...these clients are not Brad Pitt look-a-likes, nor is there anything remotely sexual about the act, but mostly elderly and very criticall ill clients who need a caring individual to perform skills to promote their well being.:nurse: And from that point on, I decided not to indulge him in all the details of EVERY SINGLE thing I did. I still talk ALOT about what I do in clinical and at work, but just like I leave out the big medical words...I leave out details about things that he would overreact to due to lack of exposure/experience. I love my husband, but he was not meant to be a nurse so he doesn't always understand how I can do some of the things I do...and that's okay.:blushkiss

i agree - after a very traumatizing situation where my hubby was near beaten by a dementia resident ( LOL still brings tears to my eyes i laughed so hard - but they did not find it funny heheh) because she was syure he was trying to kidnap "her" daughter ( mine actually lol who was sick and waiting for dad to pick her up as our shifts overlapped half hour) neither my hubby nor daughter have been supportive of my job - they just dont get it and thats ok - its an issue we just agree to disagree on and i dont do a lot of talking about it ( unless it is really a good thing ) with them - i get my support from others - my friends and family who DO get it. no reason to start ww4 in thier home just a need to get a treaty at the table and stand by it/.

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Lets turn it around... If your husband came home and said, "... Oh honey I had to give my secretary a back rub today..." Would you not be peeved off?

Ok perhaps backrub is a bad example..... I think that might be in our sexual harassment handbook...

However I think castration is a little harsh...

have to agree its a bad example lol - like comparing apples to rocks - how about this situation ( as t actually happened to me and yes - i did get a tad jealous as he told me but got over it lol) hubby worked in factory - small petite pretty gal working with him in a job she could not do properly due to lack of strentgh or in my opinion lack of morals lol ( i think she did it on purpose to tease the men sexually ) but she always asked for help putting the tubs up on the higher racks and guess what she would stand in front o fthem haveing them "help" with thier bodies brushing together - HAHAHa is funny cause it actually bothered hubby so much he complined to his boss either she just let him do it or get another area in factory cause she wasted so much of his time lol - hubby insists she did not do it on purpose but then my hubby could have a naked lady standing next to him and not notice roflmao ( has happened im told by guys who took him to strip club - they thought he was "odd" and wanted me to know lol - )

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I think that one reason is so that we will be more aware of whats it's like to be on the side. (of the patient)

We will be doing bed baths as well as several other procedures on each other. I might have a different opinion once I actually have to do them on classmates but as of right now I think that it is better to practice on a real person than on a mannequin. It makes it much more real, we need to be comfortable touching other people, it's all part of the job. Just my 2 cents!

As for my SO telling me I'm not allowed to do something, I would tell him that he must have lost his mind. I'm not his property. Actually I would probably tell him if he didn't want me to wash my male classmates then he could come in and let the me and the whole class practice on him. Maybe then he would realise how embarrassed he would be and that there is nothing sexual about it. Thankfully my boyfriend is my biggest cheerleader (actually I think it's a tie with my mom) he is such a big support and he is so proud of me whenever I accomplish something or pass another test. I'm really lucky!!

had only normal jittery will i do this well and stuff in clinicals having to touch others bodies while they were ill or elderly in nursing home rotation but i sure would have had an issue had i nbeen made to touch another ( not sick) person or allow them to touch me. just wouldnt have happened. as for putting us in anothers shoes so to speak more than likely most people have been in the hospital or docs office where they have had to disrobe and be examined at least once in there life -quite different than voluntarilly doing it with someone who is NOT your practitioner or nurse but a buddy or classmate.

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Hearts, I'm going to give you a differnet perspective... I'm married and my husband says stuff like that too. We both think its funny and cute. And without saying it he is just say "I dont want you to leave me baby..." I totally understand that. I feel the same way too..We just love each other that dog on much..Making a husband an "ex" because he wants his wife is ummmm.... i dont know what to say about that... but try to see it from his perspective and put yourself in his place. Imagine the images that he is seeing right now.. some man rubbing his hands down your body... shorts or not.. thats a bad image for a husband.. now.. imagine someone rubbing there hands down your husbands body.. now.. how do you feel.. would it be wrong to voice your opinion about how you feel about another woman's hands on him in such a way. Even though we both know that it is not "glamorous" or its not the way it seems. Please know that you do need to try to soothe him the best way you can in the ways that only you know how to do. Taking on the attitude that "Im a nurse now I dont have to listen to you..." is the exact attitude that husbands are afraid of. Prove him wrong.

well put - :)

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Let's give this guy the benefit of the doubt...maybe he just has a problem with a healthy, young, NON-PATIENT/NON-NURSE getting to touch his wife when it could just as easily be a female instead. I still totally disagree with him, but that might be the only issue he has...we're assigning A LOT of bad traits to him in this thread so far.

i agree - i di dnotread in the original post that he was overbearing domineering etc just that he had an issue wioyth a classmate touching his wife that wsa male - please - i WISH i had that trouble lol. my hubby is so complacent there are times i have wondered ( though obviously not all the time as still married haha)

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DH and I made jokes about the fact that, for our Diagnostic Reasoning/Physical Assessment class, we did breast and abdomen last week. It was sophomoric (of course :jester: ) but it stayed between us and I was able to get my nerves out and relax a bit before actually having to bare all for my lab partner...

Going into lab I felt a whole lot better (like the giggles were out or something!) and I was still nervous, but I just told myself that hey - I took SHOWERS with women I didn't know as well as I know my lab partner when I was in basic training in the Air Force....when we were behind the drapes on the exam table, I looked at her, said, "let's get this over with", and dropped my gown in the front. After the first five minutes, we went into this nurse-patient sort of mode, and it wasn't a big deal any more.

This guy needs a bit of adjustment somewhere. Well, maybe in several "wheres", actually....:madface:

however it appears by yor post you are female and your lab partner was also - totally different scenario -

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OK I know this statement was a bit of a reach....but do you guys really talk that much about what you do at work with your SO? Mine is not interested...we occassionaly have very general conversations but we have a life outside of work and there is no time to talk about these details to this length. Nor is there the desire.

Liz

lol not much and when i do because i just have to share NOW like had a bad experience or a funny one or etc - he doesnt have much interest and it shows - his look is like he just dont understand why i love my job with all the nasty stuff there lol.

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I pray that I am wrong about this, but this has absolutely nothing to do with bed baths.

Please give this some careful consideration.

I had a conversation with my friend, Kim. I tried to tell her that her husband's jealous behavior was abusive. I went so far as to tell her that their situation was escalating ( I had seen the signs for the better part of 3 years) and that if she didn't get some help, he would inevitably kill her. She dismissed my comments....maybe out of denial, or just out of frustration, maybe she loved him, she didn't want to give up, maybe she was TRULY AFRAID and was unable to share that with me. She believed that he loved her and that they could work it out.....sadly love has nothing to do with this. After all, we are nurses, we are supposed to understand, we are supposed to use therapeutic communication to let our patients and our loved ones know they are heard. We are supposed to find the appropriate intervention to make things better, in practice and in our personal lives. We are the care givers. We are HUMAN!

2 short months after Kim and I had that conversation, her husband shot her in the head and killed her.

You may be in an abusive relationship if your husband is jealous or possessive of you. Jealousy is the PRIMARY sign of abusive relationships. Is he controlling or demanding? If he is trying to dictate what you may or may not do within your scope of practice, he is absolutely being controlling and demanding and his jealousy is plainly obvious. This has nothing to do with bed baths.

Does he try to isolate you by limiting your contact with family and friends? I could go on and on here but I will say please just google "abusive relationships" and educate yourself on this subject. Please, I implore you to talk to someone about this. You are not alone, even if it feels like you are.

I know, I lived it too, but I was lucky.

My beautiful friend, Kimberly Deanne Jackson, RN was not.

Please talk to someone about this. Please.

This has nothing to do with bed baths.

you knew your friend well and i am sorry for your loss and will pray - i too was in a very abusive relationship and am lucky to be alive - however the OP never gave us any indication he was trying to control her career just that he was not wanting her to get a bed bath by another student who was male - unless the OP says yeah my hubby is a jerk and is controlling in every aspect of my life yada yad a- i thin k her next explining post said a lot - he came from a large family where dad took care of things - old fashined people are rare but they are out there , can be insecure with someone who wishes to not be so old fashioned anymore and feel theatend but doesnt mean they cant work it out. - lets not label someone we dont know the whole circumstances.

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First of all, I disagree with everyone. I believe that a marriage that is not built on honesty is not really a marriage. You need to tell your husband what will be expected of you as a nurse. Then you may have to choose what is most important to you---your marriage or a career. Personally, I believe that marriage is a permanent covenant that we make and supercedes all other relationships and things in life. The Word of God says that your husband does own your body and you own his. (I Corinthians) When my husband and I married, we decided that we had the right to "veto" each other---if one of us just couldn't stand what the other might be doing, etc. If you are married, your first "career" is to love your husband and children and make sure their needs are met. If you have time after that priority, then that decision is up to you and your husband jointly. This isn't just about you--if you are married and understand what marriage means. I don't buy the excuse that your husband is "insecure". I think that is just who he is and God asks us to respect our husbands since they have been given to us to take care of. Why would taking care of others be MORE IMPORTANT than taking care of your own husband emotionally and in every other way? You have some "priority" thinking to do ----that is if you value your marriage.

agree here too - was just to chicken to address it as many find it controversial and i am a whimp ( god forgive me)

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You contradict yourself in your 2nd sentence: you describe marriage as being regardless of the values of your spouse, but you state at the very beginning that YOU believe there are qualities that make a marriage 'not really a marriage'. And the quality you describe as so important: honesty. Well, let me stipulate that jealousy is dishonest.

It is a direct attack on the fidelity of a relationship. Jealousy takes internal insecurities and dishonestly projects them upon the fidelity of a spouse. In reality, there is NO relationship between jealousy and infidelity. Jealousy is the FEAR of an unfaithful action and not a response to such an action itself. As such, an attempt to connect the two - fear to an act - is dishonest.

Your quote above is out of context. 1 Cor 7: 3-5 is clearly about sexual relations and NOT about spiritual domination.

But, if we want to quote scripture, let's try, in context, Eph 5:27 where it says that a husband has an obligation to present his wife as 'radiant'. Or vs 28 where a husband is obligated to love his wife 'as himself'.

Let me stipulate that unbridled jealousy is neither.

I completely understand the importance of faith in a relationship. Jealousy undermines that.

The Bible does not grant any spouse the right to 'veto' the dreams of another. That is a complete misunderstanding. Marriage is about bringing each other along, not holding them back. A Biblical understanding of marriage is about growing, not about checking a partner.

While I agree that marriage should be the highest earthbound priority in life, I disagree that such a high contract gives a spouse the right to abuse such intimacy, or to use it as leverage to promote their own selfish agenda. In stark contrast, it demands a higher respect of both the contract itself, and the partner in that contract.

And THAT is wholly at issue here.

Your viewpoint is noble, but doesn't speak to the real trials and key concessions that make a marriage successful. It's not enough to decide that a marriage is the most important thing: you have to MAKE it that way. And that requires presenting a wife as 'radiant'. Using the power of that bond to 'get your way' at the expense of a spouse trying to excel in the world falls far shy of 'radiant'.

And Paul, in 1 Cor 7, fully understood this. Read that chapter again and see how it discusses the very real issue of marriage in chaos. Oh yes! I agree that faith can overcome such obstacles. But it takes the faith of two partners.

Jealousy is unfaithful.

~faith,

Timothy.

wow - thanks for the thought provoking post - i do believe that my marriage comes above all except god but this sure is thought provoking. off too look up that chapter :)

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Are you serious?? I cannot believe that you are seriously discussing divorce connected to this issue. This is a marriage. This is not her boyfriend or fiancee. This is a marriage, a covenant that should never be taken lightly. And since the OP is only 25, we can assume that it is still a fairly new marriage. And she did go and get her bedbath. Of course there is more at issue here than a simple bedbath, but to equate his reaction with a violation of faith as big as adultery? This is too much. Every marriage has issues and unless those issues are serious enough to cause physical or emotional damage, they can be worked through. It makes me physically ill to read how much abuse has been heaped on this husband by members of this forum and how little support has been given. There are other women in situations like this or even more frustrating who do not know how to deal with it and I cannot believe that this is the best we have to offer them. I'm sorry that you had such a bad experience in your past, but you need to show a little more compassion here.

Jealousy is negative. However, it CAN be talked through and worked out. I have experience with this. Most of my married friends have experience with this. My husband is the oldest of five boys with a dominating father and submissive mother. I can tell you, the first couple of years we were married were a struggle, but he just didn't understand then how a husband-wife partnership should work. He understands now and we have an incredible marriage. I was patient with him, but I helped him grow and now we are so much happier. I know that you can't "change" someone, but you can't just give up on them either. I also know women who are in relationships with domineering husbands, and they choose to stay with them. It is incredibly common, which is very sad. But, the worst thing you can do for such a woman is to tell her how weak she is, and so many posts on this thread have essentially said just that. "Oh, my husband would never say that because I'd rip off his. . . and he knows that." She needs to be supported and encouraged and this thread is far from supportive.

Besides, from what I've read from the OP, she sounds like she can handle herself and that she isn't a doormat to her husband anyway. Nurses need to be supportive of their husbands too, you know (or wives). It's a job that is exciting and takes a big investment of self and you spend all this time with handsome, rich, successful doctors. ;) Why don't we all just think of something constructive to say, like "talk it out, work it out, and you will grow from the experience."

good post. in myopinion the way the world views marriage ( to easy to get married and justget divorced " no fault - irreconsilable differences" etc - ) is a lot at fault for the way society views things - instead of working on it - its easier to just let go or "rip off thier ...." if they tell you what to do type attitude.

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