My father recently started to complain of pain in his legs...

[bigboy18]

Hi everyone, I don't know who to talk to about this matter. The only person who's talked to me about it has been my mother who started tearing when telling me about it. My dad is a type 2 diabetic... and has been a long time smoker. My guess is that gangrene is starting to set in. He passed out while driving a couple months ago and he's passed out at home (Hypoglycemia). He's always had a really bad temper. But I could understand him. He used to be overweight..but over the years he started to lose A LOT of weight. He's only 53. My mom also told me that he's refusing any treatment..for whatever reason that may be. I'm really heartbroken here guys.

I really don't know what to think about all of this. My mom told me what my dad told her. He said "If anything ever happens to me, you know what to do".

I've never been so sad in my life. I wasn't the greatest son, nor was he the greatest dad. There are so many things that I wish I had taken back. This is now starting to affect me mentally..since I've never had anyone close to me pass... I know that I shouldn't be thinking about it.. but I cant help it. I'm only 19 and In nursing school(LPN/LVN) and his only wish is for me to graduate... according to what he told my mom. Sorry for the random topic but... I dont want to discuss this to my friends or anything.. and my mom is already stressed out.. Should I confront him? He told my mom that He doesnt want me to be in the same car as him or really go out with him. I dont know why he said that but maybe it's because his temper will rise if something happens?

I know it's all confusing to some of you... but I tried my best to explain my situation

[caliotter3]

Per the TOS we are not allowed to give medical advice on this site. Recommend your Dad seek medical attention from his physician. You need to do your best to convince him of this fact. He is hurting his family by neglecting himself. Best wishes.

[bigboy18]

Per the TOS we are not allowed to give medical advice on this site. Recommend your Dad seek medical attention from his physician. You need to do your best to convince him of this fact. He is hurting his family by neglecting himself. Best wishes.

Im not lookin for medical advice on this site... I'm just lookin to vent... my feelings somewhere... and just.. relate to other people in any way.

But yeah, I don't know if I can approach him and tell him to do that... It's his personal choice.. All I can do now is just try to spend more time with him...

by the way, our family doctor knows about this... but like I said, my dad doesn't want any treatment of any sort...

[tfleuter, BSN, RN]

All you can really do is respect his wishes and try to spend as much quality time as you can with him. Sounds like the both of you are going through some major regret over the father/son relationship, which is understandable. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you and not necessarily wanting to talk about it with people you see face to face in your every day life. But do try to find someone you can share this with. Is there a church leader or counselor you can speak with? I know at my school they have a student health center that offers mental health services with free or reduced rate counseling. Perhaps your school offers the same?

[rn/writer, RN]

It can be really difficult to want to deal with a close family member or friend who doesn't want help. I feel for you.

I suggest you start with trying to mend the relationship and develop trust. You can begin this by writing him a letter. Doing this will allow you to put your thoughts and hopes and fears into words on your own terms, without the temptation to have an emotional reaction in the moment. It will also give your father a chance to take in what you're saying on his terms. If he is upset, he can put the letter down and come back to it after he's cooled off.

You should keep a copy of anything you send. And if you really want to make an impact, don't just email him or hand him the letter. Mail it to him. That'll make it seem more real.

What should you write? Start by expressing your regrets that your relationship has been rocky and a hope that it isn't too late to make things better. Tell him what you admire about him. Surely, he's done some things right. Look at his flaws and try to find the plus side of the coin. Is he stubborn? Then maybe he's also loyal. Try to recall good things you have learned from him. There must be some material to work with or you wouldn't still care about him.

Share something about yourself. What ways are you like him? What ways do you want to be more like him? Maybe you butt heads because you already are quite similar. Confess a fault or two with a sense of humility.

Apologize for anything you can think of on your end of things that may have contributed to the impasse. It's so easy for young folks to judge their elders and can be quite humbling to find out that you didn't have all the information. I'm not pointing a finger at you personally. It's something we all fall heir to.

Writing these things should help lower his defenses. Now you tell him what has you so concerned. Let him know that you aren't trying to control him, but that you still need a dad and you want him to be around for many years to come. Tell him that you won't force him to do anything, but offer to help him find a doc or take him to appointments. If you invite him out for lunch or a beer at the same time, you could promote a little buddy time to get that father/son thing going again.

He may not receive what you have to say at first. You might have to make repeated efforts--letters, phone calls, just hanging out with him. But if you are sincere, you ought to have a better shot than almost anyone else at connecting with him.

One caution. Avoid the temptation to load him up with medical information. He needs his son to help him find his way to medical care. He needs you to be on his side as a trustworthy confidant, not his nurse. You certainly can explain anything he is told or answer his questions, but that should be driven by his preference, not your sense of urgency to get him to comply with doctor's orders.

Communicate consistently that you will be there for him and that you really, really, really want him to be okay. Come here to vent. Leave the educating to the pros for now (but supplement their info as it seems fit). And give your mom some TLC as well.

Whatever happens--and he could turn you down cold--you will have behaved as a good son should, respecting him and meeting him where he is. He could still make bad choices, but you will have done your part. Even if it feels like you're getting nowhere, you're planting seeds that could sprout at any time. Keep going. We'll be happy to encourage you when you need it.

He is very fortunate to have someone like you to care for him.