I'm a new grad RN. I signed a contract with my hospital that, in exchange for them training me as a NG RN, I would owe them 12 months or $2,000.
I've been on my own for just over 2 months now... so I owe them about 10 more months.
I work on a med/tele floor, and -- while I like it -- I find it rather stressful. I'm realizing that the stress doesn't come from the job itself. I actually quite like the challenege of working in a hospital -- in an acute setting. What stresses me out, though, is the unpredictable nature of working in a hospital. The "you never know what you're gonna' get" state of being really gnaws at my already prevalent anxiety. This has contributed to crying on some days (and my post on the "crying" thread!) in addition to a general sense of non-well-being.
Even on the days I'm not working, I'm anxious when thinking about work. On nights before I have to work, I don't sleep as well as on non-work nights because I'm half-thinking about what the next day will be like. I spend some non-work days looking for other jobs online (full-well knowing I'm not going to leave because I don't have $2,000 to shell out). I guess I have a bit of the "grass is always greener" mentality.
I think part of what stresses me out also is that I'm always looking toward the future and never quite happy enough in the present. I'm thinking about what/what/where I'll be after my 12 months have expired and what ELSE I'll be able to do. I also spend time wondering (worrying?) about when/if I'll be able to go to grad school.
On top of all of this, I have this "be all that I can be" mentality. I feel like if I'm NOT working in a hospital, then I'm not a "real" RN -- like I'm not good enough if I'm not doing the best thing possible. (While I have no interest in critical care, I still consider med/surg to be a tough area!) As a side note, I do NOT pass this judgement onto others -- only myself.
All this being said, I have a recent interest in home health, an area I would have NEVER have considered if a per diem position not been offered to me (by a referral from a friend of a friend after I told her how dissatisfied I've become so soon...). Although I haven't started the position yet, I've developed a great interest in the idea of being able to provided 1-on-1 care to a single individual for 1 hour (or so) at a time.
Ok, so -- with all the being said -- I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with any of that. I guess it's all pouring out now because I'm working tomorrow, Monday, and Wednesday, and I'm brutally exhausted right now. I want to call in "tired as heck" but am afraid because I've already called in sick on 5 days.
I know everyone says the first year is the hardest, and I am old enough to know that 1 year isn't really that long, but... gaaah!
...(Pieces of self-talk I developed for myself to keep from driving myself crazy with second-guessing and feelings of fear and incompentence).
Thanks a ton for all those words! I'm able to think those things occasionally. When the fire gets hot, though, I get so caught up with the details that I forget the big picture.
Some days are better than others, though...
I've been on an IV slump for a month or so now. My last 2 shifts, though, I got 1 stick on each shift! -- one on the 2nd attempt (new site) & the other on the 1st (which was also a hand site, which I've NEVER successfully done before!)! Both were on older patients who I've had the WORST time with in the past. (Blown veins!) Both were definitely a celebratory achievement for me
Thanks a ton for all those words! I'm able to think those things occasionally. When the fire gets hot, though, I get so caught up with the details that I forget the big picture.
I hear ya.
My last 2 shifts, though, I got 1 stick on each shift! -- one on the 2nd attempt (new site) & the other on the 1st (which was also a hand site, which I've NEVER successfully done before!)! Both were on older patients who I've had the WORST time with in the past. (Blown veins!) Both were definitely a celebratory achievement for me
:zzzzz 
:uhoh21: 
:vlin: :grn: 
:yeah:
imanedrn
547 Posts
Thanks a ton for all those words! I'm able to think those things occasionally. When the fire gets hot, though, I get so caught up with the details that I forget the big picture.
Some days are better than others, though...
I've been on an IV slump for a month or so now. My last 2 shifts, though, I got 1 stick on each shift! -- one on the 2nd attempt (new site) & the other on the 1st (which was also a hand site, which I've NEVER successfully done before!)! Both were on older patients who I've had the WORST time with in the past. (Blown veins!) Both were definitely a celebratory achievement for me