Marital Stress & the student nurse

[modestmurse]

I saw a similar thread posted already, but was unable to respond as it was in one of the premium zones. My wife and I will be celebrating our two-year anniversary this year, and I still have a year remaining in nursing school. While we are surviving, the stress is mounting, escpecially financially. We are surviving on her income and my student loans. We are both in our early thirties, and have no children. She decided to change careers and become a nurse about 5 years ago, after us dating for about a year and half. It was tough, but she got through and stayed on to earn her BSN. She was lucky and did not have to work during that time. I did not support her financially because we were only dating. During that time she was in school, I became interested in nursing while learning about the nurses roles and duties. She supported the idea, saying that I would be a natural. Knowing it would be difficult and after some deliberation, I began to pursue the idea well after she had begun her career. I was able to work while knocking out my GE's, however once I entered the track/core classes and began clinicals, I had to stop working altogether, which my wife supported and understood. I take care of the majority of the household chores because I do not work, but my wife is a "neat freak" who has high standards and gets fussy when things aren't up to snuff. This adds to my stress, and when coupled with everything else, you can imagine the bickering and flat out nasty arguements that occur. I guess on some level it is to be expected, as we both know why we are having problems, but it doesn't make it any easier. We both are grouchy and snipe and snap at each other even when it is unprovoked, almost expectantly. We know that in a approximately a year's time we'll be through this trial, and I am just hoping we make it and don't resent each other too much by the time this is over. Cheers to all and good luck with school; we all need it!

[soozabel]

I can totally relate. I am in my final weeks (graduating May 8th!) doing my mentorship program right now. At my school we are required to do 120 hours within 5 weeks - totally managable. I also do not work, well I work casually as an NA, however they don't require more than 8 hours a scheduling period, so I keep it to a minimum. However, I have two children to also take care of. So, on top of going to school, working occasionally, keeping up the house and trying to be a wife, it gets quite stressful! It has definitely affected my relationship with my husband. However, we know it's temporary and we try to go out at least once a month to dinner w/o the kids and try to reconnect. I'm like your wife where I like things the way I like them, I guess some call it being a "neat freak", but I've learned that my husband is not like me. Sometimes, he'll help out by putting the dishes away, putting the kids to bed and picking up around the house, and I appreciate what he does - even though I sometimes have to reload the dishwasher because I didn't think he did a good enough job (neat freak - ha,ha). But the best thing we do is just spend some time together and talk about what we are going to do when I start working, plan a little. He's been supporting me through school for quite some time, and he's ready for a break too.

I know it helps me to know what is on my husband's mind, because I can get so caught up in the daily grind of school, studying, my kids' schedules and just trying to make sure everything in our life runs smoothly, that I kind of forget about my husband. The poor guy. Even though its not always easy to sit down and listen to criticism, if the right approach is used, it can be quite helpful. Let her know her high expectations are causing you more stress and that you'd appreciate some slack. You know your wife and how to approach her in a way that won't make her feel threatened. Good luck!

[slynotshy]

yes, sit down and talk...

But even better yet, try really really hard to spend some together time. just you and her, no phones, no interruptions...even if its just catching up on your day, eating ice cream after dinner or putting aside time to just go for a walk together and wind down...

When everything is rushing by and pressing on you from all sides, those are the times i find it best to just stop and look around and take it all in...and do this together! you'll be fine! :)

[Flightline, BSN, RN]

I wish I had something constructive to add, but it seems to me a general comment on the state of things as I perceive them is all I have to offer:

You can't burn a candle at 4 and 3/4 ends. A married couple with one in school and one working, and two kids and the household work, and then trying to squeeze in a dinner out once a month, and then talking on a cell or texting in every other available minute is just not a sustainable life.

Sustainable is one person at home supporting another out in the workforce. The one at home takes care of the home and kids. The one working brings in the money.

I realize that may not be possible these days, but I just can't accept that we can all get by on 4 hours of sleep, while both people in a relationship work their tails off to support a household they never enjoy. I mean, think about it. Even when you get your nursing degree and license, then what? She's going to work and you're going to work, and you won't ever have days off together and may not even be on the same shift.

I'm not trying to judge anyone in anyway; it's just that it kills me how we all go about stressing out our lives to the point of breaking and then wonder why our relationships suffer. I actually find myself a little dismayed whenever I hear any good news about the economy. I actually, in part, would like to see unemployment get to 50% so at least one person has to stay home and take care of the home.

I'm probably just talking out of my ass, and it's easier for me. My wife is retired USAF and a work-at-home artist and we don't have any kids, just our dogs. But when I think about it, how could it be otherwise? She takes care of the home and I work 4 nights one week and 3 nights the next. It's a lot of work, but when I'm off, we're off.

I guess I'm old fashioned.

[CoRnDOg81]

Dude... you need to communicate! I don't mean that offensively nor am I applying that you are not, but a different form of communication or improved communication will work. I can say that with confidence, because I am IN the SAME BOAT. I have 2 children at home, my wife works (and is also a clean freak), I am in my second year of nursing, and financial matters are not easy by any means (that alone can cause havic). I have found that sitting down with my wife and telling her exactly how I feel she is more than willing to listen (women are wonderful listeners). Then, I listen to how she feels. After we both have expressed ourselves, we work on a resolve to some of the concerns we have brought up. When we are finished, we try and have a dessert together or a family acitivity to eliminate any harsh feelings that may have come up (and sometimes they do).

If you find that communciation just isn't happening, I would seek a councilor. Many religions have great councelors who help couples learn communication techniques. There are countless numbers of books written on this topic, but I know that you probably don't have the time to read anything other than your text.

Overall, I would say to utilize what you do with your patients with your relationship: ADPIE. Talk to each other, find out what is going well and what is not working, make a plan to work those issues out, then evaluate how they went. Don't forget the dessert part either... and it won't hurt if you make the dessert for HER! Best of luck to both of you!

[BA.LVN]

Oh I know how you feel! I've been out of nursing school about a year now, and things have gotten much much MUCH better since being out of school! My husband and I got married WHILE I was attending a full time LVN program....talk about stress! (What were we thinking?! haha jk) But it's funny when you look back in hindsight...we made it and we are sooooo much better off now that I'm in a different field than I was before. Anyways, HE'S the one who's the "neat freak" and it WAS difficult to balance new marriage, being a good wife, learning how to BE married, him working full time, me in school full time w/ night clinicals, all the household stuff, finding quality time to spend together. But yes, communicating is what you need to do....not saying you aren't. But there were nights when I'd feel bad b/c we'd basically eat dinner and then I'd go study for 5-6 hours that night.....it was hard! Oh, and he was getting his masters degree during that time. But now, we are both done with school, and working, and ENJOYING ALL OF OUR TIME TOGETHER! It's soooo worth it and just keep reminding yourself that it IS temporary! Good luck and hang in there!!!