Lung cancer, how to help my daughter

Nesher, BSN, RN · Sep 9, 2005

Bottom line is life is a terminal condition and we will all die...at some point. I think that preparing your daughter for what will come is a good idea. Perhaps what you both need is a bit of counseling - you to help yourself given all the losses you have gone thorough and for your daughter - the same reasons , but also to help her with fear - it seems she might get the feeling that cancer is an immediate death sentence. It isn't always - your x mother in law might very well buy herself more time - she will not however die of old age. That said focus on what time you have with her - buoying her with the hope and optimism she is getting from the medical system. Hope can do some powerful things.

lindarn · Sep 11, 2005

First, this had to do with my daughter's grandmother, my ex MIL. I am divorced and my ex MIL was diagnosed with stage 3b lung cancer, adenocarcinoma. My ex husband, is optimistic, as well as the doctors according to him, but is this realistic? He states that the doctors will do chemo and radiation, shrink the tumor and remove it. She has a tumor that is occluding the right lower lobe and the tumor is very close to the pulmonary artery. Of course, the doctor presents hope. And my ex believes this. If it is true, great. But if not, i need to start preparing my daughter for the inevitable death of her grandmother. What complicates things is that she has alreay been through the death of her greandfather (by heart attack my ex FIL) and my own mother(diagnosed cancer, went throught BMT and died). My experience with my own mother was horrificI(my daughter went through this some when my mother died) so I don't know how to prepare for her grandmothers illness. Everything I have read is bad, but I was curious as to the thoughts of those that had worked in the "trenches"
(I could never do oncology). Please don't sugar coat anything. I need to find the best way to help my daughter.. Thanks

My mom was diagnosed with Stage III Lung Cancer on Mothers Day of ths year. The cancer was all over her left lung, and she had mets to the spine, a collapsed lung with over a liter of fluid in it. They put in a chest tube and did a pleurodesis after the lung was drained. They reluctantly started chemo on her, she got three treatments and was dead six weeks later. Lung Cancer spares few, because it is usually diagnosed in the late stages, and, if it is found earlier, it is by accident from a diagnostic test done for another condition. My grandmother, her mother, turned 98 on May 30. She would have turned 79 on July 4. she died on June 28.

We are all heart broken, and there is a hole in my life that will never go away. I don't know if your ex mother in law will suffer the same fate as my mother, but I would not hold out for a cure/remission. My mom did smoke for 45 years, but quit almost 20 years ago. I would like to know where all of that Tobacco Money settlement went to? Why is it not being used for early diagnositc testing to catch it early on? Using it for anti smoking education for young kids is fine. But I think that they should pay to help the people that they tried every trick in the book to hook on their death sticks. JMHO.

Lindarn, RN, BSN, CCRN

Spokane, Washington

elthia · Sep 11, 2005

First, this had to do with my daughter's grandmother, my ex MIL. I am divorced and my ex MIL was diagnosed with stage 3b lung cancer, adenocarcinoma. My ex husband, is optimistic, as well as the doctors according to him, but is this realistic? He states that the doctors will do chemo and radiation, shrink the tumor and remove it. She has a tumor that is occluding the right lower lobe and the tumor is very close to the pulmonary artery. Of course, the doctor presents hope. And my ex believes this. If it is true, great. But if not, i need to start preparing my daughter for the inevitable death of her grandmother. What complicates things is that she has alreay been through the death of her greandfather (by heart attack my ex FIL) and my own mother(diagnosed cancer, went throught BMT and died). My experience with my own mother was horrificI(my daughter went through this some when my mother died) so I don't know how to prepare for her grandmothers illness. Everything I have read is bad, but I was curious as to the thoughts of those that had worked in the "trenches"
(I could never do oncology). Please don't sugar coat anything. I need to find the best way to help my daughter.. Thanks

First off, how old is your daughter??

What you tell her needs to be appropriate for her age.

Also, I don't know the situation between you and your ex, but maybe your ex is optimistic because he is reacting as a CHILD whose mother is ill, not as a FATHER to your daughter at this time, i.e. he is in denial. It might be ok to say that to your daughter in a gentle way, "Your dad is scared of losing his mother, no one likes to think of losing their mother."

Most importantly, what does ex MIL want?Where is she at at accepting her dx?? Sometimes I have found that if the patient makes very clear what they want, after the initial stages of grief (denial, anger) the family becomes more accepting whether it be an aggressive or palliative approach.

I've found that if you are upfront and honest with children, they will handle the situation better. Giving false reassurance to a child will hurt their grieving process, and cause further and extended feelings of anger and resentment. Let her know in terms that she can understand that grandma is very ill, the treatment is going to make her worse for a while, and we don't know the outcome, there is a chance she might die.