Lost my job, my husband went off the deep end, and I can't stop crying

[chinacatRN]

Two months ago, my husband informed me he was very unhappy with his life and has contemplated suicide. I got him into see a therapist but obviously things aren't going to fix themselves over night. From what he's said at the therapist's, part of it is because he feels like he gives and gives and gets nothing from himself. Not particularly from me, but from work and his friends. He's also depressed that his family lives so far away in Arizona. He won't talk to me about his problems at all and gets very angry and defensive when I bring anything up. Ever since I found out, I've been very depressed. I feel like part of it is my fault. I just graduated with my RN in may and school put a lot of pressure on him and on me. I also think he feels belittled because I was making more money than him.

Then, a couple weeks ago, the trouble at work starts. I have a post in the career advice forum on this. Basically, there was an accident at work that really wasn't anyone's fault but my boss fired me anyway on false accusations. The reason she gave me at the time of termination - which was yesterday - was falsifying documentation because I signed off that I changed a bandaid and the wrong date was written on the bandaid and they had a "witness" stating I didn't change the bandaid. It was absolutely ridiculous and obvious that they were trying to get rid of me. Anyway, my husband knew it was going to happen. I warned him that I had a feeling when my boss called me in for a last minute meeting on my day off. When I called him to tell him it had happened he didn't really say anything. Later, after I told him I needed some support from him, he said, "I'm sorry you got fired, but it happened at a really crappy time." and that's all he would say. It hurt me deeply and I spent most of the day crying (I didn't really care that I was fired - I knew I'd find a better job and I hated that place). Later when I tried to explain to him how he made me feel, he said I had a horrible history with jobs (I have adult ADHD, which I was only recently diagnosed with which explains the restlessness at previous jobs. Am now on meds that control the symptoms) and he said I make everything about me.

Then, today he tells me he's thinking about going to some conference at work in Ohio (we are several thousand miles from Ohio) and he thinks it will be good for him. We have a 5 year old daughter and in February I will (hopefully) have been employed for a couple months at a new job. I explained we wouldn't have child care for our daughter while I was at work because I will probably have to work nights - all the open positions I can find are for nights, which is fine with me as I prefer nights. And I said I wouldn't feel comfortable asking a new employer for a week off work. He said I shouldn't ask for a week off, that I should just ask for different hours. I tried to explain that you don't just ask for different hours - you're hired to work a certain shift and that's it. You can ask for days off but you can't just say, "Hey I know you hired me for nights but for this one week could I work days instead?" The. He cut me off, said, "Don't talk to me like that", and left the house. I wasn't talking down to him or being rude, but I was telling him something he didn't like. I'm sorry but just because you feel like you never get anything for yourself doesn't mean you should get everything you want. And why would he need to go to this conference? It's a leadership conference. He's not management nor will he ever be, according to him. He was management and he stepped down because it was too stressful. He refuses to support me through my firing from work. He makes me feel guilty for getting fired. He's been fired before and never once did I not support him. I supported him through everything.

And now I'm extremely depressed to the point of contemplating suicide. I thought about it yesterday but not today. Today I feel stronger but yesterday was bad. I cry at least once a day. I have to take Xanax three times a day just to keep myself together. So far, I'm managing to keep my daughter out of the mess. Grandma watches her a lot and she's in kindergarten. But I don't know how long I can deal with this. He's so selfish. I can't believe he said I make everything about me - I'm the one who was wrongfully terminated! I know it stresses him out but it was my job and I'm doing everything to find another job. I even took a few shifts from the temp agency I used to work for. So really, our situation isn't that bad. But it's all about him. It's taking everything in my power not to 1) punch him in the face or 2) tell him where to go.

Sorry for the long post everyone. I just needed to rant. The stress is not good. I'm afraid it's going to break me.

[Nicody]

First and foremost, don't make any rash decisions based on how you're feeling right now.

That being said..

Maybe your husband isn't being the most supportive person, but if he's depressed as well then it might just be too much for him to deal with right now. What about other family, friends? Find other people to lean on for the time being, if possible. Blog your heart out, if it helps. Go running, even if you don't run. Punch the living daylights out of your pillows. Cry if you have to, I know it always makes me feel better. Do what you have to do to get yourself through this.

Your priority right now should be finding another job, and being strong for your daughter. You have to consider that the two of you are not the only ones suffering through this. The issues with your husband, in my opinion, can wait to be dealt with until you are both in a better place to make decisions and talk things through.

You can do this. Hugs.

[ajones6503]

Two months ago, my husband informed me he was very unhappy with his life and has contemplated suicide. I got him into see a therapist but obviously things aren't going to fix themselves over night. From what he's said at the therapist's, part of it is because he feels like he gives and gives and gets nothing from himself. Not particularly from me, but from work and his friends. He's also depressed that his family lives so far away in Arizona. He won't talk to me about his problems at all and gets very angry and defensive when I bring anything up. Ever since I found out, I've been very depressed. I feel like part of it is my fault. I just graduated with my RN in may and school put a lot of pressure on him and on me. I also think he feels belittled because I was making more money than him.

Then, a couple weeks ago, the trouble at work starts. I have a post in the career advice forum on this. Basically, there was an accident at work that really wasn't anyone's fault but my boss fired me anyway on false accusations. The reason she gave me at the time of termination - which was yesterday - was falsifying documentation because I signed off that I changed a bandaid and the wrong date was written on the bandaid and they had a "witness" stating I didn't change the bandaid. It was absolutely ridiculous and obvious that they were trying to get rid of me. Anyway, my husband knew it was going to happen. I warned him that I had a feeling when my boss called me in for a last minute meeting on my day off. When I called him to tell him it had happened he didn't really say anything. Later, after I told him I needed some support from him, he said, "I'm sorry you got fired, but it happened at a really crappy time." and that's all he would say. It hurt me deeply and I spent most of the day crying (I didn't really care that I was fired - I knew I'd find a better job and I hated that place). Later when I tried to explain to him how he made me feel, he said I had a horrible history with jobs (I have adult ADHD, which I was only recently diagnosed with which explains the restlessness at previous jobs. Am now on meds that control the symptoms) and he said I make everything about me.

Then, today he tells me he's thinking about going to some conference at work in Ohio (we are several thousand miles from Ohio) and he thinks it will be good for him. We have a 5 year old daughter and in February I will (hopefully) have been employed for a couple months at a new job. I explained we wouldn't have child care for our daughter while I was at work because I will probably have to work nights - all the open positions I can find are for nights, which is fine with me as I prefer nights. And I said I wouldn't feel comfortable asking a new employer for a week off work. He said I shouldn't ask for a week off, that I should just ask for different hours. I tried to explain that you don't just ask for different hours - you're hired to work a certain shift and that's it. You can ask for days off but you can't just say, "Hey I know you hired me for nights but for this one week could I work days instead?" The. He cut me off, said, "Don't talk to me like that", and left the house. I wasn't talking down to him or being rude, but I was telling him something he didn't like. I'm sorry but just because you feel like you never get anything for yourself doesn't mean you should get everything you want. And why would he need to go to this conference? It's a leadership conference. He's not management nor will he ever be, according to him. He was management and he stepped down because it was too stressful. He refuses to support me through my firing from work. He makes me feel guilty for getting fired. He's been fired before and never once did I not support him. I supported him through everything.

And now I'm extremely depressed to the point of contemplating suicide. I thought about it yesterday but not today. Today I feel stronger but yesterday was bad. I cry at least once a day. I have to take Xanax three times a day just to keep myself together. So far, I'm managing to keep my daughter out of the mess. Grandma watches her a lot and she's in kindergarten. But I don't know how long I can deal with this. He's so selfish. I can't believe he said I make everything about me - I'm the one who was wrongfully terminated! I know it stresses him out but it was my job and I'm doing everything to find another job. I even took a few shifts from the temp agency I used to work for. So really, our situation isn't that bad. But it's all about him. It's taking everything in my power not to 1) punch him in the face or 2) tell him where to go.

Sorry for the long post everyone. I just needed to rant. The stress is not good. I'm afraid it's going to break me.

.... Honestly you and your husband should both get marital counseling. It would help both of you and your daughter.... Suicide is NOT an answer.. How horrible to even THINK that! You may need support and so does your husband. Be support full of him even if he isn't of you. Marriage is not easy. I suggest getting the book That came out with the movie Fireproof. It is an amazing book about how marriage is and how to love in difficult times.

[ZenLover, MSN, RN, NP]

Depression is a selfish animal and it has the tendency to make us very selfish in turn. It seems to love this time of the year as well so you might find you are in good company. None of us will be able to understand specifically how you feel, but on some level we can at least help you fight off that lonely feeling that usually likes to accompany depression.

I think the suggestion of running is good. I love to run and it does a great deal of good for me. I have been sick with bronchitis lately and have been unable to run and it shows in my attitude. Really though, throw yourself into anything, something that forces you to concentrate on just breathing and being...even if it is for just a few moments a day. I suppose I might show my age if I suggest Richard Simmons or Jane Fonda LOL

Suicide is a slippery slope and especially when you are living with someone who is already battling it. Blog, journal, write notes to yourself all around the house reminding yourself of how smart and incredibly talented you are to have made it through nursing school. The job will come. Post pictures of your daughter every where...in your car, you name it. She and an entire world of patients that will be facing whatever the next year throws at them need you desperately. This may be hard to hear, but there is no time for selfishness, it simply isn't about you anymore. Subscribe to that line of thought and perhaps that may help. Quite honestly, it has worked for me but perhaps is not for everyone. Maybe the best advice is just to get up each morning and keep trying...bravery at it's best.

Good luck and God Bless (or whomever spiritually blesses your home and heart).

[BeenThereDoneThat74, MSN, RN]

To say sorry (that this is all happening to you) is an understatement. The first thing you HAVE to understand is that your husband is not in his right mind right now. This is not an insult, but it is a fact. He is mentally unstable. I know you feel you are heading in that direction as well. But the fact that you're here, posting, gives me the indication that so far you are handing this better than you think (and better than he is).

The things he is saying are the words of a very confused, anxious, depressed and defeated man. Nothing you say will get through to him right now. The fact that he too, has lost his job (comparing his situation to yours), means nothing to him. He lacks the tools to support you right now. I am not defending him. But you are just spinning your wheels by trying to defend yourself, and fight him right now. I hope there is someone you can turn to for support during this time, but right now, it can't be him. I hate to say this, but you have to be strong for the both of you. While I don't know you, something tells me you can be. Take your meds, make sure he takes his meds (hopefully he's on something), and see that he is attending his therapy sessions. Speak to his therapist, and see what strategies he/she can suggest to support him through this. Couples therapy may not be ideal at this point, since he is in severe crisis mode right now (and you may be heading there as well). He needs to be more stable.

As far as the condense and the potential scheduling conflict, this should be the last thing on both of your minds right now. You don't even have a job yet, and he doesn't sound like he can handle anything like this right now. Besides, can you even afford it? I'm sure there will be other conferences in the future.

[chinacatRN]

Thanks for all the support, everyone. We have seen a therapist as a couple twice now and it has helped me but he says he doesn't "like someone telling (him) how to act or feel". Don't know where he's getting this, as the therapist has never told either of us how to act or feel, she's just giving us the tools to try to get through this.

I'm feeling much better today after giving myself some time to deal with his reaction. I know that people who are depressed or have other untreated mental issues are not stable but it still hurts. I do have a few jobs interviews lined up and I've been working for a temp agency - though that will NOT work out long term as some of the places I've been have been complete nightmares. Anyway, everyday is a battle. One minute he acts like he cares, the next minute he doesn't. He spends all his time in the basement "to think alone" and he refuses even the idea of taking an antidepressant, though I think it would help him A LOT. He's going to see my psychiatrist (whom I see for my ADHD meds) and I'm hoping she can talk him into something but getting him to take it is another story. He's like one of those patients in a nursing home who always refuses his meds and you have to wheedle and bribe him to get him to take them. But he's A&Ox3 so bribing him with pudding or cake or a soda isn't going to work lol. So therapy is our only option now. He said to me yesterday that he doesn't need help, that he'll continue to just hold everything in and it'll all be fine. He doesn't want to say bad things about people in therapy. I explained that's what therapy is for. He has a private session lined up. I told him that the therapist legally can not and will not tell anyone - not even me - what he says during a private session. He could call me all the names in the book if he felt like it and she won't tell a soul. And I gave him permission to - I told him to tell her exactly how he feels about everyone and everything because no one will find out and it will make him feel better. I don't know if I got through to him or not but I tried. He's agreed to continue with therapy. I just think he needs to go more often - probably weekly for at least 2-3 months, then every 2 weeks indefinitately.

Thanks again. I appreciate it!

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

Thanks for all the support, everyone. We have seen a therapist as a couple twice now and it has helped me but he says he doesn't "like someone telling (him) how to act or feel". Don't know where he's getting this, as the therapist has never told either of us how to act or feel, she's just giving us the tools to try to get through this.

I'm feeling much better today after giving myself some time to deal with his reaction. I know that people who are depressed or have other untreated mental issues are not stable but it still hurts. I do have a few jobs interviews lined up and I've been working for a temp agency - though that will NOT work out long term as some of the places I've been have been complete nightmares. Anyway, everyday is a battle. One minute he acts like he cares, the next minute he doesn't. He spends all his time in the basement "to think alone" and he refuses even the idea of taking an antidepressant, though I think it would help him A LOT. He's going to see my psychiatrist (whom I see for my ADHD meds) and I'm hoping she can talk him into something but getting him to take it is another story. He's like one of those patients in a nursing home who always refuses his meds and you have to wheedle and bribe him to get him to take them. But he's A&Ox3 so bribing him with pudding or cake or a soda isn't going to work lol. So therapy is our only option now. He said to me yesterday that he doesn't need help, that he'll continue to just hold everything in and it'll all be fine. He doesn't want to say bad things about people in therapy. I explained that's what therapy is for. He has a private session lined up. I told him that the therapist legally can not and will not tell anyone - not even me - what he says during a private session. He could call me all the names in the book if he felt like it and she won't tell a soul. And I gave him permission to - I told him to tell her exactly how he feels about everyone and everything because no one will find out and it will make him feel better. I don't know if I got through to him or not but I tried. He's agreed to continue with therapy. I just think he needs to go more often - probably weekly for at least 2-3 months, then every 2 weeks indefinitately.

Thanks again. I appreciate it!

With you both in crisis mode, it is best to see therapists separately.

Therapy is more for venting, insight, and for one to identify strategies to improve managing emotions, and how one copes. The therapist is NOT necessarily going to give you a solution. They are there to support you and will find techniques and/or resources to help you create a plan to cope, even in crisis mode. I hope we are being of some support and comfort to you.