Looking for some feedback on my FNP personal statement:

[ktann87]

Hi all! I am applying to a few programs for fall 2013; most of them have an April or May 1 deadline. I am worried about my personal statement, and I want to make sure it comes across the best it can. Any feedback would be great!

Thank you!

Riding in an ambulance through the twists and turns of Grenada's rain-forest roadway is an experience I will never forget. I had been volunteering for about a month at a rural hospital in Grenada, West Indies, when a call was received regarding a woman in kidney failure that needed transport to the hospital. Since most of the employed nurses were tied up with other duties, I was sent along with the ambulance driver to pick up this patient. When we walked into the house I and noticed the older woman who was in obvious distress. I addressed her by her first name, and asked her how she was feeling. She looked up at me, but didn't reply. I asked again, and still, no answer. When the ambulance driver walked in, specifically addressing her as Mrs., she responded openly to his questions. I had been so caught up in assessing this patient for the first time, that I didn't think about the fact that I was in Grenada, and it was culturally imperative to address an older adult in a formal manner. I was immediately embarrassed and tried to correct myself. From that point on, I addressed her as Mrs. and was sure to remember the customs of respect I had been taught. Throughout the rest of the ambulance ride, I tried to build a rapport with her; comforting her as she squeezed my hand all the way back to the hospital. Although I have worked with many cultures at home in the United States, I was not used working with another culture outside of my home country. This experience gave me a whole new perspective on what it means to give culturally competent care. Having lived in a country entirely different from my own has changed the way I view my life, and my career. While I consider myself to be an empathetic person, it wasn't until I experienced "being an outsider" first hand that I could truly commiserate with those who immigrate to the U.S. As our nation continues to grow in diversity, we must continue to educate ourselves as health care providers. I would not have been able to truly care for this woman had I not known the cultural expectations.

This experience not only changed how I care for other cultures, but it also opened my eyes to the vast discrepancies that exist in health care around the world, and within our own country. While working with long-term mental health residents at my full time job in the U.S., I saw the difference that education and access to preventative care could make on a persons health and overall well being. I cared for a wide variety of patients, but many had been homeless or lived without health insurance and proper medication for their illness. Not only does this impact the patient's life, but it does not benefit our society and health care system as a whole. My experience working with mental health patients, volunteering in Grenada, and taking a public health nursing class in Nicaragua, has reinforced my desire to become a family nurse practitioner. After completion of Drexel's Family Nurse Practitioner program, I hope to work in a setting that continues to allow me to work with many different patient populations with varying medical issues. I hope to use my education directly with my patients, but also by being involved with how we administer primary care and how our public health care system works.

I am further attracted to this profession because it allows me to study medicine and the human body in great depth, while still allotting sufficient time to spend at the bedside with my patients. While I am very interested in mental health and geriatric patients, I am attracted to the FNP program because it will allow me to pursue a broader area of medicine and nursing. My educational goals are to eventually obtain my doctorate degree, and to continue to learn about mental health and public health.

Persistence is a characteristic that has carried me far in my life. When my father lost his job while I was in high school and we had to foreclose on the house, I feared I would never be able to go to college. However, seeing everyone around me go off to school, I was determined to overcome the life that was set up for me, and pursue my career goals. With minimal support from my family, I worked full time while attending nursing school full time. The years I spent working my way through school were the hardest years of my life; balancing work, school, and life at barely twenty years old was incredibly taxing; yet I would not give that up for an easier route. I learned that when I am dedicated and persistent, I could accomplish my goals. I grew profoundly in confidence, assertiveness and my ability to communicate with others. As a registered nurse, these attributes have transpired well into my professional life. Most importantly it is the way I have grown in my communication skills and ability to work with others to provide quality care I am most proud of. These are all characteristics that will influence my excellence in completing Drexel's family nurse practitioner program.

My life experiences combined with my passion for medicine and current work experience as a registered nurse has further compelled me to becoming a family nurse practitioner, and I believe, has prepared me for the rigorous training and demanding work it entails. My persistent and determined attitude will continue to supplement me in this next stage of my education, and career.

[hik9258]

To start, nothing i mention is meant for offense. I think it has a lot of good elements, but overall I felt like the writing style is not congruent with that of a personal statement. For example, where you talked about the rainforest roadways winding and twisting, it seemed more like a novel. Remember, a committee will read through HUNDREDS of these things. They usually will just skim, so word selection/wording is critical. Even though you have touched on some of these, a good personal statement for a program should hit on these things.

1)Why FNP?

2)What do you want to do with the FNP?

3)Why that particular school?

4)What can you contribute to the program?

5)How can that program help you achieve your goals?

6)As a colleague, how do you plan on contributing to the profession?

7) Think about what makes you stand out from every other applicant. Although your story is a good one, many people have these types of stories. Also how did this story affect your model of care in current practice? Programs like to see how you react and adapt to situations. How did they make you better or increase your understanding?

**My personal thoughts**

Use a thesaurus. Don't use huge words or unknown words, but words that show you have an expanded vocabulary.

Are you a University student? Even if not, swing by a campus and most have writing labs with English nerds just foaming at the mouth to review/critique papers.

As a bonus point, maybe mention how you would like to be apart of the expansion of NP scope. Educate yourself on the hot topics dealing with the profession.

Remember, you provided them with your curriculum vitae/resume, so don't (and you didn't) make it look like another resume. Most programs want to see how well your goals match up with the goals of the program. Best advice would be to read over their goal statements, missions of the college, pick apart their webpage and incorporate things they mention into your personal statement. Make yourself look like a fit with what they preach.

If possible, drop the "I put myself through college" rant. Although it is noble, a lot of us have done it. It's very common. Remember, make yourself stick out. Be unique, differentiate from things others may put. It's fine to mention, because that does describe character, but don't beat it to death. No one wants to read anything that remotely seems like it is looking for pity.

Maybe mention a situation that required critical thinking and ability to work through processes.

Like I said, you have great information in here, I feel it should be portrayed differently. You need to show them that you want to be a leader of nurses, one who doesn't want to be an NP just because its a terminal degree with more authority.

[lhflanurseNP, APRN]

A big thing is to make your into letter stand out above all others. I agree with [COLOR=#003366]hik9258. Here are some tidbits that helped me:

Why FNP? - why do you want to become a FNP? what are your plans when you get it? how do you see the role of the FNP in helping patients?

Why that particular school? - why are you applying? is it the program, proximity, timeliness, reputation? Look at their mission and philosophy statements...do they gel with your ethics?

You can type in google for some suggestions on NP application letters and get some good ideas. I did mine and was accepted on the first pass. As [COLOR=#003366]hik9258 notes, your current letter is too wordy and doesn't really address why you want to be a FNP, why you are choosing this school, and how this school will help you attain your goal. Good luck!