Letting go of my nursing dream...the hardest thing to do...

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Well, its been a few months since I left the LPN program...didn't get to graduate. Words cannot even begin to describe the pain I feel. I have cried almost every day since then...trying to figure out where I went wrong. Trying to understand why extra points were not given straight across the board...leaving me with 1/2 point needed to move on and others graduating and cheering after receiving up to 10 points. That has been the hardest thing to accept...why did some get so lucky?

It has been a terrible emotional roller coaster. Everyone says "move on", "forget about the past"...but how do you even start? It is still fresh in my mind...like it happened yesterday.

Honestly, I feel like the dumbest kid on the block. I must have been right? of course.

And silly me, signs up for A&P I lecture and lab this semester. this week was my second week. As I was drivng home today...I panic. "What in the heck am I doing here? I have no business being here"

Someone said to me a month back, "If you didn't make it in the LPN program...forget about the RN program...or anything greater than that". It hit me...she's right. What crazy idea I had that I could dust myself off and get back on my feet and aim for something better. Anyone that has been through this knows how it feels...the pain is beyond words can describe.

In school a teacher said to me the day of a test "you shouldn't be allowed to be a nurse". Imagine how I felt going into that test...and how my test score turned out to be. Other teachers have said said to me "you will make a great nurse, your heart is in the right place". Another said "I am being honest with you in telling you that I want you to keep pursuing your dream because you will one day make a wonderful nurse. I have seen you with patients...you have what it takes"

Maybe they were just being nice...

I can't go on trying to pursue this dream...trying to take 2 steps forward...I ended up taking 20 steps back. I must now start all over...with less confidence...almost non at all. How do you regain it?

Some people say to just go back and work with what I do have...my bachelors degree. But I miss seeing and talking to patients. I miss walking out of clinicals knowing that I did something wonderful that day. I miss nursing school.

A friend posted something today "Don't waste time mourning lost opportunites or missed chances. If it was meant for you, it would have happened"

If it was meant for you, it would have happened...exactly.

So my next step is to leave the A&P I lecture/lab...and somehow find peace...after becoming a nursing school failure.

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I'm not gonna sugar coat this for you. If you really want to be a nurse you will pick yourself up, dust the failure off and push forward. When I was in lpn school there were a few people who failed. Either for days missed or just not taking the classes as serious as they should have. Yes it sucks and yeah probably was embarrassing but the ones that came back an repeated the quarter have since graduated and are nurses. The ones who gave up probably shouldn't have been there to begin with. Nursing is not for quitters, its hard physically and emotionally. People are going to say some plain out mean ****. So if you want this and it is truly your dream then stop listening to doubters, including the one inside your head.

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pinkfluffybunny,

You are very right in EVERYTHING. ugggh, I had convinced myself to not go back to school and just forget about nursing. But gosh darn, I felt even more miserable about that. I never imagined myself saying I "missed school" after college graduation. And it trully is what I want to do, what I feel in my heart is what I want to do. The LPN program experience did nothing but to make me feel less smart, less capable. My confidence went out the window.

I have that weakness that I'm my worst critic. I have to learn to somehow shake that self doubt some how and keep going...or I will regret it the rest of my life.

I'm beyond scared...but you're right...I can't stop.

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