Just need some understanding....

[la_chica_suerte85, BSN, RN]

Hi everyone,

I've been randomly seeing a lot of gay-oriented nursing stuff come up. A random notice of the GALA CRNA Twitter feed kind of sparked a need to express myself and see if there are any other students who are going through a similar situation.

I'm gay (female -- not really fond of the term 'lesbian', prefer the Kathy Bates inspired 'lebesian' from her role in Tammy) and I'm a student nurse and recently-hatched, thrilled-to-be-here nursing aide. I live in an area where it would be somewhat expected that this wouldn't be a problem but it actually is. It's a rural place with a lot of religious groups with lots of community involvement so I'm not going to be out there swinging the pride flag anytime soon.

I'm not super out and open -- I do it more from a casual basis. I don't look the way I guess I'm expected to look so it usually comes up as the awkward correction that I'm not engaged to a male but rather a female and so on and so forth. I'm definitely not out to instructors — it's not their business and, especially for clinicals, it has nothing to do with the situation at hand (some have stated their objections so at least I know where they stand). There are a few that are safe-haven” types who mean well and generally are awesome with me without wanting to parade me around as an example of how forward-thinking and diverse they are (there are some who would but that's why I'm not loud and proud).

I guess my issue is this: I come from a high-end retail background where LGBT backgrounds are no big thing. Among men it's practically encouraged and with women it's largely shrugged at. Now that I'm in a hospital, it seems much more difficult to be out. I feel tremendously guilty about being opaque with people (especially the really fantastic ones). It implies that I don't trust them and that I'm making judgments about them. But, on the other hand, I have to be careful and preservation of self is my priority. Especially as I am but a lowly student still and have no authority or seniority to stand on, I wonder if I am alone in this fear I have when I'm at work of being found out. I need a job when school is all said and done and I really love the hospital I'm at -- the people are great (though, for practicality's sake, I am looking at more metropolitan areas where I would have no issues and my partner and I can easily build an 'out' kind of life).

Does anyone else have to hide” and be very sage in whom they entrust their personal information to? A listening ear can turn into a running mouth, especially since it's impossible to really get a read on people's opinions. Where I live, there's not a lot of people like me around so there aren't many examples to follow.

Sorry to be so long-winded. Any insight or opinions would be so appreciated.

[beckster_01, BSN, RN]

Well, I'm sure that it is largely dependent on where you live, however I have never witnessed discrimination on LGBT group (...maybe the T..). At any rate, on my unit I work with at least four openly gay nurses, and know a few gay doctors as well. A couple others that I have "speculated" about but honestly, even as co-workers it isn't my business. It doesn't bother me or make me uncomfortable when I hear about their social life, and I'm very happy for them. And I come from a conservative Christian background if that matters.

I guess my advice would be to keep doing what you are doing. I recognize that discrimination still exists, so maybe it isn't wise to "flaunt" your sexuality if that makes sense, at least not while you are a student. But you also shouldn't feel the need to hide, or pretend to be something you're not. I hope that is helpful.

[guest769224]

I am a 24 year old gay male, graduate with my RN in a few months. I work in a very large ICU and everyone knows I am gay. I told them after pondering on it for awhile. It spread like wildfire, which initially, I had a problem with, and I had to confront a gossipy charge nurse. But now…things couldn't be better. I'm out to the whole unit, management included, and everyone seems very supportive. I had a respiratory therapist on the unit set me up with his gay son last week and we had a great date. The nurses tease me and ask for my opinion on straight guys they are dating… I just feel like it is very safe and worked out well for me. We even check out the hot docs together. This is in a very conservative area of the country traditionally…which had me shocked at how receptive the staff were.

My unit also has two gay female couples that work on it. Both couples are married. So all together that makes 5 of us. The emergency department has a male gay nurse manager, and there are at least ten gay staff that work down there. This is in a level one trauma center. Although the state I am in is conservative, the staff on my unit are very liberal. I think that makes a difference. The charge nurses and I can check out a dudes butt together and it's totally chill.

It's scary, and I understand your feelings, but it worked out nicely for me. You just have to consider what the implications could be. I originally thought I would have to put up a front, in case management didn't like gay people, and I wanted a job there so desperately. But they could care less. Maybe taking a leap could work out to your benefit.

Something worth mentioning... I never reveal my sexual orientation to new people, unless asked, while at work. Just my personal decision.

[la_chica_suerte85, BSN, RN]

I guess my advice would be to keep doing what you are doing. I recognize that discrimination still exists, so maybe it isn't wise to "flaunt" your sexuality if that makes sense, at least not while you are a student. But you also shouldn't feel the need to hide, or pretend to be something you're not. I hope that is helpful.

Yeah, while I definitely wouldn't want to put it out there, I also struggle with having to twist and turn and contort my personal truth to stay concealed (which makes me feel tremendously guilty). I can probably bet money that no one would care (though I'm sure people would be gossiping about it and I'm not thrilled at that prospect) but, if I'm wrong and it does become an issue, I have potentially a lot to lose. I'm just not willing to wager what I've already gained, if that makes sense. Thank you for your reply!

[la_chica_suerte85, BSN, RN]

It's scary, and I understand your feelings, but it worked out nicely for me. You just have to consider what the implications could be. I originally thought I would have to put up a front, in case management didn't like gay people, and I wanted a job there so desperately. But they could care less. Maybe taking a leap could work out to your benefit.

Something worth mentioning... I never reveal my sexual orientation to new people, unless asked, while at work. Just my personal decision.

Thank you for your input! I think I didn't put much thought into what I was going to do until I was asked about my personal life and I froze and totally messed that up. Now I avoid it altogether where possible and am extremely vague or change the subject if it comes up at all.

I think what I was hoping was to go in, do my job, be the best at it that I could be, be the best team player I could be, and if it came out and I told the select few who passed my "screening criteria," then I could make sure to set up the best possible outcome for myself. Along with providing a positive example (since I'm not really aware of anyone else who's out), I figured that could be the winning situation.

Now I'm stuck waiting out my error and really pondering what my problem is -- in the meanwhile, I just keep on trying to simply be a good coworker. :) Thanks for your input. I'm glad there are some people who get what it's like to contemplate having to hide in plain sight.

[la_chica_suerte85, BSN, RN]

I have to laugh at myself now...i feel like Deflect, don't divulge almost could be sung in Let it Go! (conceal, don't feel).... But, I digress.

Lol...pretty much! I'm sure there's some parody out there. If not, there needs to be one!

For some reason, I'm fine with patients making inquiries and I deflect pretty well -- I'm not worried about seeing them usually ever again (or at least not for a very long while). It's my coworkers I feel guilty about not keeping it 100 with.

[Girlafraid13]

I usually don't tell coworkers, patients or classmates " hey I'm gay" because they don't have to go around telling everyone "hey I'm straight" I don't feel as im hiding it, I mean I do "look" pretty gay.