I want to quit ICU after one week.

Cait.Max-RN · Dec 31, 2015

If I may, I'd like to share my own story with you and hopefully you can find reverence in it. When I was a student nurse, I had a clinical in the ICU at a local hospital. The first patient I took care of was critically ill with pancreatic cancer. I went in with the primary nurse caring for her that day. The primary RN did all the care and hung the medications ordered to keep her comfortably sedated. The patient was in unrelieved excruciating pain because of a necrotic bacterial infection she had developed with her suppressed immune system from the years of radiation/chemotherapy on top of her many stays in the hospital. The most humane and heart felt thing a provider could do was to order her the PCA pump to keep her mildly sedated with powerful pain medication. Of course, on the flip side of this situation was myself-shell shocked and deeply sad for this women. I had to be strong and not let my emotions get the best of me so I could learn as much as I could so If I were to come across a patient like this in my own practice I would know what to do. I put all of my efforts into caring for this women and pamperd her with lotion, warm blankets, chapstick, a back rub...anything I could do. Right before I had left for the night, The surgeon came into the room and had a conversation with her daughter. I was in the room finishing hanging a medication with my clinical instructor.He said to the daughter, who of which had been very hopeful that her mother would come through all of this sickness, "I regret to inform you that the cancer has metastasized...do you know what that means?" As I listened to every word that fell off of his lips, my heart felt as though it fell straight to the floor. All I could see in that daughters eyes was my own life...I thought of my mom who was close in age to my patients.... if they even knew what metastasized meant and how crushing it would be to have to explain that in detail. Stone faced and heart racing, I excused myself from the room and walked briskly to the break room, I passed my clinical instructor on the way who knew me well enough to know that something was wrong. I sat down at the table and started uncontrollably crying. I had a "why god" moment.My clinical instructor assured me that every RN goes through this....your first devastating situation...whether its a horrific death in a car accident or a patient that you connect with and can't help. I had trouble seeing it at the time.....but I went into her room one last time before I left to say goodbye and introduce her to the nurse that would care for her overnight. She said goodbye and one thing I will never forget....she said "Thank you for all you did today, the lotion smells great and I just love these warm blankets." I was blown away by her response and was humbled by her strength. I am sure to many others all they saw was my stone face as the doctor had that conversation. Only a few people knew how I truly felt about my patients situation. I am a better person and nurse today because of this experience. What I am hoping you take from this is that sometimes, when patients are critically ill.....its the simple things you can do for them that makes all the difference. It is shocking an scary to work in an ICU at first, you do find the beauty in your work. Yes, you will lose a lot of patients, however, you can also be the reason why someone fights to live, or their family doesn't lose hope. You are not alone in your feelings, I went to every clinical for the rest of the semester with my heart pounding and nervous. It happens to all of us in the beginning, whether people show it or not. It is a challenging career path, but if you choose to stick with it, it will undeniably be one of the most "stimulating" things you ever do. Life is too short to do anything that makes you unhappy, if you truly feel your calling is persons with disabilities, you must follow your heart. Working in the ICU certainly it an "its complicated" relationship status so to speak, especially in the start. I hope you find where you feel your heart belongs and what makes you happy, I am just assuring you, those thick skinned nurses were once us and knew they need to be strong for their patients. :)

**NickiLaughs, ADN, BSN, RN** · Jan 2, 2016

It's a different culture. I did it for 3 years before I left. I loved the knowledge I gained, but I was never "happy." I took inevitable deaths as personal failures. Once I finally realized that I left. Now that I'm in the ER, and code patients frequently I realize that some people will die no matter how many interventions you do. It also has helped me talk to family and encourage doc to discuss goals of care. What's the realistic result and hopefully prevent some of those futile attempts.

If this is your first acute medical job ICU might be overwhelming. Maybe try to get a job at an adult day center for disabled or something similar since you know you enjoy that. Good for you for realizing quickly it's not something you can comfortably work in.

MYSTICOOKIEBEAR · Jan 21, 2016

The Units are not for everybody and don't feel bad or feel like you are less because of it. Everyone has a different journey and The Units might not be for you. It is very important to find a useful and constructive coping mechanism or you will be crushed every time a patient dies.

I remember when I dealt with the first death of a patient that I was close with. It was very bad for me, I ended up going on a $3500 shopping spree because I was questioning my own mortality and second guessing my career choice of going down to the Cardiac/Transplant ICU. I was messed up for a good month, nobody at work knew because I didn't want to show any weakness, but at home I struggled very hard. I now realize that I should have shared those feelings with my coworkers because they were the best equipped to help me since they have all gone through it before.

I will be very honest with you, you do need a thick skin to be in the Critical Care world because people die all of the time. If you don't, you will be eaten from the inside out with guilt, disgust, helplessness, and sadness. But growing that skin is different for everybody. The way that I started to cope with that or get by is that as long as the team did everything that they were supposed to do, nursing did everything possible, and all of the right calls were made then it was just their time.

As long as we did everything in our power to save a patient's life, then even if they die, we can all walk out of the room with our heads held high. I hope you make the right choice for yourself. Please feel free to message me if you want to talk about it.