uh, help? Sorry in advance for posting here but I just dont have any social support to turn to...
Today, I believe I just had a mental breakdown at work today. Note that I am already very unhappy with my department and I had already requested for transfer but I had to stay for a few months because one of my co-workers is on maternity leave. Back at present, I was terminating a session for a dialysis patient and while I was removing the fistula needles, my gloves got stuck on a tape which in turn got stuck on one of the needles which in turn got pulled out accidentally. I used my thumb to compress the insertion site in lieu of a gauze because I still haven't prepared it and my other hand is still stucked with the other needle. My patient asked another staff nurse to get the gauze and he gave me big one. I didn't use it because I can't fit it on spot without moving the other fistula needle. I don't want to accidentally scrape my patient's vein. He saw what I didn't do and he said stuff in his local language. He said "stefrala" which is a local bad word. I got offended and as I've mentioned before I have a lot of unhappiness contained and so I said a bad word without bothering use my own native language. It was the F word. Anyway, he told our head nurse who went on the scene of crime. I was too agitated to make any statement except for "You can use bad words against me but I can't". Yeah. I know, totally unprofessional of me.
As a conclusion for my head nurse, she told me that I'm a psych patient and I'll never succeed even if I got transferred. Nope, not on any department. And she told me to call the Nursing Director....I did something.... better(?)..... I took all of my things and went to the Nursing Director's office personally wherein I told the Director that it's okay to fire me. (I don't use the word resign....I don't have any money to pay for a breach in contract)
I was too emotional back then. I cried in front of the director when she was asking me for details and the only thing that I could say to her was "I don't know anymore." "I should be fired because I've turned into a bad person" blah blah snivel snivel. Anyway she said it's normal to be angry and gave me time to cry and said I'll be transferred by Monday and left me alone. No word about getting fired. I wonder if she still wont fire me if she finds out that I didn't return to my unit. Yes, I just walked out. I was going to jump out of the window to avoid facing her secretary but I found out that her office is kind of in the second floor....
I wanted to return to work because there's just three of us, staff, and a total of twenty dialysis patients. FYI, I left 1 hour right after the start of my shift and it was during the turnover of patients.
My tears stopped flowing now but I still dont know what to do. I dont know how to go to work tomorrow. I don't know. I just dont know. I don't how to pick the pieces of myself. I dont think I can find the pieces at all. I don't anymore. I don't know how to resign and do the hospital a favor. I don't know what to say to my family.
God, I should have gone to the psychiatrist was back when I started to get moody even if it means I don't have to eat in order to buy drugs......
