how do I help her emotionally?

pharmgirl · Sep 18, 2008

Bless your heart, mom! I feel your pain, I really do. I am a mom and a nursing student. I just recently started the nursing program in August after a 20 year absence from school. I may be old but I still need my mommy.

My best advice for you is to take as much off her plate as you can. My mom just moved down to TN from NJ in July and I dont know how I would do it without her. She babysits, drives kids school, cooks my family dinner and does our laundry. She is 67 years old and I feel horrible that I have to lean on her so hard but she says, she moved here to help me. It sounds as if you are just as supportive and helpful to your daughter. I dont want this to sound....ummmm......rude but one of the things that I have had to gently remind my mom is that when I'm studying I can't be around her, I can't talk to her about what I want for dinner, or what my kids did today. That is saved for the 1/2 hour we spend every day having dinner together. Even though it is only a "quick" question, it breaks my "zone".

Have you tried to help her study? I use flash cards and have my husband drill me. If you are medically savvy, maybe you could use her textbook to make up some practice questions.

Nursing school is hard and they weren't kidding when they said say goodbye to your family for 2 years. I feel like my mom has custody of my kids and I just have visitation, but it will all be worth it in the long run.

Do everything you can to take as much responsibility off of her as you can at this time (if you are able). That way all she has to do is NS. You are a wonderful mother, and I give you kudos for posting on here. Encourage your daughter to join this site as well, it is a great resource with great people and support. We are all in this together and can help each other pull through.

There are many people that would give their left arm to have a mom like you that is so supportive and willing to help. Have you asked her what would help her?

Prayers will be with you

Grace Oz · Sep 18, 2008

Good response, pharmgirl!

I too was going to suggest that your daughter join us here on allnurses, she will find wealth of guidance and support.

I wish your daughter every success and with you, her mother, being so supportive, I'm sure she will succeed.

mybrowneyedgirl, BSN, RN · Sep 18, 2008

I agree. Anything you can do to lighten her load would be great. I came home today to find my dishwasher emptied and my grass cut. That was HUGE in my book helped so much.

Be sure she's using all her resources. There are websites that can quiz you re: certain topics. Often they come with her book. www.allnurses.com is a great source of advice, homework help etc. Have her come here.

Buy her an NCLEX review book. Most nursing questions are phrased this way and it takes a while to get used to the way nursing tests are set up. Kaplan and Saunders are two to look into.

Make sure she's eating so her mind can work properly too.

You're an amazing mom to seek out help for her.

Wishing her luck!

bimmersbabe · Sep 18, 2008

Thank God for Moms!! I just graduated at 38 and my Mom was there for me every step of the way. She worried about me, cried with me, encouraged me and best of all BELIEVED in me!!

You are doing exactly what you should be doing - a large part of passing those darn tests is figuring out the critical thinking and what constitutes the "correct" answer. The first tests are hard because you do not know what individual instructors are looking for.

Others were correct in suggesting she come to this site - there are a lot of study tips and the best part is the support of those who have been there and know exactly what she is going through.

Hugs

TakeTwoAspirin, MSN, RN, APRN · Sep 18, 2008

You have received some great advice that I don't want to detract from, but I just want to put one thing out there. Please ask your daughter if nursing is still what she wants to do. This may sound like a silly question, but I saw girls depressed and anxious, trying to struggle through school when they knew it really wasn't what they wanted. They were doing it because they didn't want to disappoint their parents and it was making them miserable. It's surprising how many people really believe they want to become a nurse, but once they get to see 'inside' the job it isn't so appealing. Although I don't think this is what is going on with your girl, it might just be worth asking. It could save all of you a lot of heartache.

Good luck to you all. I am sure whatever happens she is grateful that she has such a wonderful mom.

llg, PhD, RN · Sep 18, 2008

I would also suggest helping your daughter learn to accept failure as a part of life -- an experience that can help her grow.

I used to be much like your daughter (and still am to a degree). I was my high school valedictorian, straight A student, went to a prestigious university on the highest academic scholars program they offer. I spent my college years terrified of getting bad grades and in a constant state of high anxiety. It wasn't just that a bad grade would hurt my pride ... or my self-confidence. Being a top student was a deeply ingrained part of my self concept -- a core part of my identity as a person.

If I couldn't maintain good grades, then "Who was I?" as a person? That's more serious than being just another student worrying about getting good grades.

Let your daughter know that you will love her even if she fails. Let her know that you will still respect her if she fails. Let her know that you and your husband can handle things financially even if she fails. etc. etc.

Then help her build a self identity that is not so based on being near perfect all the time. Help her to learn that the process of becoming educated includes failures as well as successes. Help her to build an identity based on "how she responds to hardship" rather than an identity based on "never encountering hardship."

A quote that has helped me cope in hard times comes from someone whose name I can't recall at the moment. I probably won't even get the words exactly right... but it goes something like this:

"It's not what happens to us in life that defines us. Over that, we often have no control. It's how we respond to those things that determines who we are."

Help your daughter to learn that how she responds to this challenge is the most important thing. Does she learn from this experience? Does she grow as a person? Does she acquire more maturity, more empathy for others, more awareness of her inner strength, etc. as a result of this experience. That may help her to not be so afraid of it.

hikernurse · Sep 18, 2008

My mom and dad were wonderful; they took my kiddos when I needed to study and ran all the little errands that were hard for me to take the time for. I can't count how many times my dad brought up a bag of groceries and milk for me and he had a running date with my kindergartner to be dropped off at school (they always managed to squeeze in an ice cream cone on the way).

My mom was always there to talk to and that helped tremendously. In fact, a lot of the time I'd go to there house to study and work on care plans when my DH was home. It was quiet at their house and my parents were great about leaving me alone. Except that my mom kind of plied me with food :). Every couple of hours she would sneak in a couple of cookies and milk or a sandwich. I can't tell you how much I appreciated it. I truly feel I owe a lot of my nursing degree to her. She was very supportive and felt that I could do anything; that helped tremendously.

Pharmgirl's right about not interrupting her studies to talk. It is hard to get back to where you were.

The other thing is, encourage your girl to take breaks. Even though nursing school has a boatload of work that is always hanging over your head, it is possible to overstudy. Especially in fundamentals. I noticed an inverse correlation with studying in that class--the more I studied, the worse I did. A lot of that class is common sense and learning how to take nursing tests which are nothing like regular school classes.

Also encourage her to visit the gym; not only is it good for her physical health, but the break from studying and concentrating on nothing but breathing is great for her mental health.

I think you are from another state? Care packages would be a great way to show you care :).

jjjoy, LPN · Sep 18, 2008

it is possible to overstudy. Especially in fundamentals. I noticed an inverse correlation with studying in that class--the more I studied, the worse I did. A lot of that class is common sense and learning how to take nursing tests which are nothing like regular school classes.

Good point, hikernurse!

Llg gave some great advice and insight, too!!

For academically confident students, nursing school can really throw you for a loop. Everything that worked before to succeed doesn't work anymore!

Turn your daughter onto this site. She'll get support from folks who know what it's really like and may also get some good tips and insight as well in regard to adjusting to nursing school.

Ack_RN · Sep 18, 2008

I had similar problems when I was taking my pre-requisites. I had always made effortless As in high school, so taking classes like anat and microbio was a big surprise!

I'm not sure if anyone else touched on this, but is there a chance of depression? I found myself crying nearly everyday and feeling like I couldn't pass any class/wasn't cut out for nursing/wasting my parents money. It helped so much to just talk to someone! Most schools offer free/next to nothing counseling to any student who walks in the wellness office.

Finding other students who are nothing but encouraging (in class or at allnurses.com ) can really be lifesavers.

Sometimes just having a day off a week REALLY helps. I concentrate on homework/studying/work until Sunday, and then I just relax. It's taken a long time to get over feeling guilty about "wasting" a day, but it's so worth it. Sometimes knowing I'll have a break gets me through the week.

The best things my parents have done (they're 5 1/2 hours from me and moving isn't realistic in my case) is acknowledging that they can't understand the pressure I'm under (they were never nursing students) but they love me and will help me with anything I ask them to. Nothing makes me crazier than someone saying "I understand" when they really don't! They also constantly remind me that they're CHOOSING to spend their money on my education, and I should consider it a gift. Helps me feel not so guilty!

Good luck to you and your daughter! She's so lucky to have such a caring mom!

bbie17 · Sep 19, 2008

It seems like you're already doing everything you can for her- being an understanding mom and being there to listen to her problem. The only thing that I would advice is to re-assure her not to worry about any financial situation and that you and your husband are proud of her despite her performance in school. I'm in nursing school right now and what worries me out the most (in addition to all the school work) is the fact that I might be wasting my parents' money and disappointing them. Let her know, if she needs to re-take a class, that's okay because with nursing, it is more important to LEARN the material than PASSING the class w/o knowing the material. I think the first semester or the first year is usually difficult because the school wants weed out the students who aren't meant to be there and also they want to make sure the students have a strong foundation for later courses. I think she'll be okay as time goes on. Make sure she manages her time well and seek tutoring.