Hprp/issues help fast.

Tanlie226 · Jan 27, 2010

thank you for the information....

Tanlie226 · Jan 27, 2010

today is wednesday and I 've been waiting for this DAY. Please pray that they decide to just let me change providers... thanks for your concern and writing me back. It means so much , more than words can say.

jackstem · Jan 27, 2010

Jack,
how many years have you been clean ? Do you still think about it from time to time? Do you have anxiety? Please share a little of your story with me if you wouldnt mind. I would be most grateful!

I tried to answer this question yesterday but my internet connection was a little jumpy and I see the message isn't here. To the moderators, if the message should appear delete it or combine it or whatever magic you guys can do (and you do a great job by the way...thanks!).

I will be clean and sober for 15 years on my youngest (also recovering) daughters birthday...March 28th. My disease reared it's ugly head in 1990 but it took 5 years, one suicide attempt that was aborted by an angel (and I'm not kidding. According to everyone where I worked, the person I described didn't exist!), an accidental OD, 2 relapses, and facing 8 years in a federal prison before I finally got with the program. I surrendered my license to the board of nursing because I knew if I tried to return I'd end up dead (or worse, hurting someone else). At my pre-trial hearing I told the judge I was guilty over everything I was charged with, I had surrendered my license permanently, and was prepared to do whatever he determined was appropriate. I had an attorney, but since there was no deal forthcoming (the DA was in an election year and he was going to nail me to the wall to show how tough he was on drug addicts), so I threw myself on the mercy of the court. He told me he had never had someone accept responsibility and not make any excuses for what they had done. He sentenced me to three years probation. If I messed up once I would do 8 years in a federal penitentiary. Needless to say, I didn't screw anything up. I REALLY began working hard on my recovery, trying to learn as much as I could about the disease and how to remain clean and sober...not just abstinent! (A BIG difference between the two).

As time goes by I think less and less about using. I do have an occasional dream about using (some so real I wake up sweating looking for track marks). Sometimes something will trigger a flashback or craving, but I know today that feeling will pass. In fact, last February I was asked to speak to the anesthesia department where I worked when my addiction started. I hadn't set foot back in that hospital since the day I was terminated (January 21, 1991...my Dad's birthday). My recovering daughter had the day off and traveled with me. She was 4 years old when all of this happened and has no memories of the hospital. Thank goodness she was with me. As we entered the lobby, I glanced down a hallway which led to the outpatient lab where I used to give my U/A for tox screens. When I looked down the hall my heart started pounding, I felt flushed, started sweating, felt nauseated, and extremely apprehensive! I wasn't ready for that reaction! But this is exactly why we must always be on guard for relapse no matter how long we've been in recovery. My daughter said something to me. When I didn't respond she looked back and saw me standing there looking down that hall. She knew EXACTLY what was going on. She came back, took my hand and said "Come on Dad, we have to go to security to get our visitor badge." If she hadn't been there I would most likely have run out of there! This disease alters our brains making us vulnerable to cues and triggers which can activate the whole ventral tegmental area (VTA) which is where rewards and instincts are housed. If we aren't well grounded in recovery and intimately connected with a group of recovering folks who will recognize the early signs of pending relapse, we can end up right back at the bottom very quickly! Prior to that incident, it was a good 13-14 years since I had that type of reaction.

Today my professional focus is on all things recovery. I'm chairman of the nurse anesthesia association's peer advocacy committee in Ohio and a peer advisor (volunteer position except for expenses), have an advocacy/consulting/educational business (which I started not too long ago) focusing on the impaired nurse, and consult with a nurse attorney specializing in license defense for nurses in three states. As much as I loved anesthesia, this is even more fulfilling.

If we as recovering nurses fail to work a strong program of recovery and speak out about the complete failure of the nursing profession's approach to this disease in our colleagues and our patients, nothing will ever change. It's why I do what I do. There is an added benefit to speaking out...I no longer feel ashamed or worthless. I KNOW I'm not evil, stupid, weak willed or amoral! I have a chronic, progressive potentially fatal disease that CAN be treated successfully! Long term recovery IS POSSIBLE!

Over these last 20 years I have lost marriages, lost the profession I truly loved, lost almost all of my worldly possessions, and almost lost my life. I've struggled to make money (actually still am, but things are improving). I've worked in a bowling center for $7.50/hour, delivered Chinese food 7 nights/week, tried to sell cars (man, talk about humbling! a recovering addict AND a car salesman!?), worked in a fish market, landscaping (where I got to know my son-in-law very well before he married my daughter), and was on unemployment and received food stamps. Things will (and do) get better when we make recovery our priority. And it's not about willpower! It's about surrendering and allowing others to help us along the way. It's like the person who falls into a raging river. If they try to swim back to shore they become exhausted and drown. If they go with the flow, just keeping their head above water, they will eventually reach a section of the river with calm waters. Because they conserved their strength instead of fighting against forces they have no control over, they are able to climb out of that river when the turmoil stops.

If I had continued to use, I'd be in one of three places today:

Prison
Institution
Cemetery

Bernadette Higgins-Roche, CRNA, EdD says it well in her book, "Substance Abuse Policies for Anesthesia: Time to Re-Evaluate Your Policies and Curriculum":

Anesthesiologists and CRNAs must establish a culture of courage within the anesthesia community; advocating for a chemically impaired colleague requires tremendous courage and a strong commitment to integrity. Accepting addiction as a chronic disease and supporting a colleague through treatment and re-entry is a win-win situation for everyone. Lives will be saved, the safety and trust of the public will be protected, professional ethics will be upheld, the liability of the institution will be minimized, and valuable practitioners will be retained in the profession.

Simply replace "anesthesia" with "nursing". WE must show courage to speak out when no one else will, to reach out a hand when everyone else is pushing them away, to love them until they can love themselves.

None of the things I'm doing today would be happening if not for other recovering people reaching out to me. None of us can recover alone. These things didn't happen because I'm some sort of "Superman", it's because other recovering people simply wouldn't give up on me when I gave up on myself. If we as recovering nurses don't do this, who will? For the profession known as "The Caring Profession", not very many nurses actually care...until it happens to them or someone they love.

I am glad you're here, because your story helps me remember where I've been and where I don't want to be again. The story of long term recovering people helps you and other newcomers see that recovery IS possible.

As someone told me when I first went to a 12 Step meeting long ago..."Welcome home! You're among family and people who love you!"

Jack