Help! Please review my Nursing School Application Narrative!

[lsur2013]

Okay, so these were the instructions:

In the space below, please write an account of: (1) your experiences and activities since you last attended school, (2) your accomplishments that have given you the greatest satisfaction, (3) your reasons for this career choice, (4) your reasons for desiring to enter this college, (5) your plans and aspirations for the future, and (6) your participation in community activities.

Here it is! Please let me know what y'all think!

My passion, interest, and fascination for medicine began at a young age, whether it was watching medical shows, hearing stories from my best friend's dad who is a cardiologist, playing doctor with my sister, or always the first one to volunteer to assist an injured friend from the playground to the nurse's office. As I got older, my interest for medicine never changed. A college advisor came to visit us one day in high school, and gave the entire class probably the best advice that I needed to hear. He told us basically go to college and major in something you're interested in; don't decide to start a pre-professional major until you are one hundred percent positive about your life goals and ambitions. He explained how getting a degree prior to a pre-professional degree will only enhance and solidify your life decision to do what really mattered most in your own personal life journey. Some people may argue that it is a waste of time to get a degree then go back to school to get the degree you originally wanted in the first place, but I personally disagree with that opinion completely! Getting a Kinesiology degree was a great overall experience and learning opportunity in my life. I was still learning about the human body and science, yet I also matured tremendously throughout the process. Now more than ever I know how much it takes to study and dedicate myself to achieve my goals. I also solidified my decision about becoming a nurse without having to go through the trials and tribulations of adjusting to college life and not fully applying myself as much as I would need to succeed in nursing school.

Prior to graduation, I interned at Our Lady of the Lake Hospital Fall 2012 for my internship course. Before then, I was planning to move to New Orleans to go to LSUHSC for nursing school. My experience interning at the Lake was a major turning point in my decision to stay in Baton Rouge to apply to Our Lady of the Lake nursing school. While interning at the Cardiopulmonary Rehab Center at the Lake, I immediately felt welcomed throughout the hospital including administration, medical staff, and even the patients! During my 300 hour intern experience, I feel blessed to say I learned something every minute at the hospital. The entire department was so considerate and understanding taking time to teach me new things throughout their work day in order to enhance my knowledge and skill level. I did rotations throughout the entire Cardiology department at the hospital, which was not supposed to be a part of the internship, but the nurses and staff knew I wanted to go to nursing school, so they wanted to introduce me to several department areas. I honestly could not have asked for a better internship experience, and I feel very confident that Our Lady of the Lake College and the nursing program will give me the same amazing learning experience.

Since graduating, I have taken the past 6 months as an opportunity to save money, take a small break from school to travel prior to buckling down for nursing school, and gain more work experience. I started working for Dr. Williams, a plastic surgeon, as a medical assistant. I work both front and back office, so I am gaining a lot of experience in several areas of medicine. The most important concept I have learned so far working at the Aesthetic Surgery Center is that you may perform the same exact procedure hundreds of times, but no one case is exactly the same. Each patient is different in one way, shape, or form so you can never just skip steps along the way assuming it will be a routine procedure. Another important concept I have learned is that the medical field is a team effort. Every position has their own role whether you're the receptionist at the office requesting medical reports, the patient care consultant talking with new patients, the medical assistant consulting patients about what to expect before, during, and after surgery, or the doctor visiting each individual patient all day long followed by dictating charts in the afternoon. When one person misses a day at work, it was like the whole office was a hectic mess! I truly learned the value for each individual's role in the medical office when I saw how we had to operate missing one individual even for just a day.

Throughout my college experience at LSU, I was involved in several community activities both in the LSU community and the Baton Rouge community in general. Two activities I participate in throughout the year is donating blood and health foundation fundraisers walks/runs. I have been donating blood since I was first eligible to start donating. I donate because I know that it helps save lives. I always put myself in the other individual's shoes thinking about how I would feel if I needed blood. I routinely participate in health foundation walks/runs because I enjoy getting out in the community promoting health and fitness as well as helping raise funds for a good cause. I consider fundraiser walks/runs a two for one opportunity! You're not only helping raise funds and remembering those struggling with disease such as heart disease, but you are also helping prevent disease through physical activity and awareness. As a health and fitness student, it will always be my responsibility to set a good example for others!

In addition to my yearly community activities, I was also involved in two annual community involvement projects. Each year I worked with the LSU Greek community to organize, fundraise, and build a Habitat for Humanity home for a family in need in the Baton Rouge area. I was on the Greek Board of Directors community, so my main responsibilities included: promoting Greek Week, organizing build site volunteer groups, explaining health and safety rules, and organizing meals for students at the build site. The second annual event I was involved in was Catfish for Casa. Our goal was to raise funds for the Baton Rouge Casa Foundation and promote awareness to the Baton Rouge community. Although, I no longer can be a part of these two activities as much as I used to be due to graduation, I still plan to continue to stay involved in the Baton Rouge community, and look forward to what community involvement activities lie ahead in the near future!

In addition to future community involvement, I would also like to continue my education in the nursing field. My ultimate plan would be to graduate from nursing school, followed by working a few years to gain experience in the field, followed by going back to school for a Masters/Doctorate program.

[nurseprnRN, BSN, RN]

Once over lightly only. I trust that the first part of this has many, many more paragraph breaks than show up in this format. :)

If I could give aspiring writers any kind of advice, it would be to get Strunk and White's excellent little book called "The Elements of Style." (http://www.amazon.com/The-Elements-Style-Third-Edition/dp/0205191584/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1374005174&sr=8-5&keywords=strunk+and+white) Most writers, including nursing school applicants, want to stand out in a crowd; they want a distinctive style. Alas, what they almost always do is to use as many dependent clauses and overblown words as possible in an attempt to sound more important.

Want to stand out? Simplify, simplify. These people have read the flowery phrases about passsssiiiioooonnnn and all that exaggeration a million times. :)

"Basically" and "personally" are overused and add nothing but extra syllables.

"...a great learning experience and opportunity in my life." Well, who else's life? :) You don't have to say it's yours.

If you are quoting someone, say, He told us, "Go to..." If you are not quoting him directly, it's "He told us to go to ..."

You're applying to nursing school, so don't tell them you learned "a lot" about medicine. Say you learned that every case is different because every patient is unique, and leave it at that.

Do not put a comma after "Although"

"I interned (somewhere) for my internship course" is redundant. "I did my student internship at (somewhere)" is enough

You want to continue your education in nursing, not "in the nursing field." Your plan, not your "ultimate" plan, is to work as a nurse to obtain broad-based experience, decide on an area of specialty, then consider whether to pursue an advanced degree or certification.

[kp1987]

Last person advice was great!

Overall you sound very passionate

Best of luck to you!

[Lossea, RN]

lsur2013, you do sound passionate and certain with your goal of becoming a Nurse! In your essay, you reflected very well on each of the aspects required in the instructions. It is clear that you have had very valuable experiences and are determined to pursue Nursing. Overall, your essay carries a very positive and confident attitude, and that stands out.

For the areas of improvement on your assay, structure is perhaps of the utmost importance. With any essay, the delivery is everything. Here I second advice of GrnTea - simplify as much as you can to deliver the points that you wish the admission committee to take note of.

Make an impression by structuring your essay into clear paragraphs, with each reflecting on a particular aspect. Be succinct and professional in your language. This is your gateway to the program. Think of the essay as a real speech, with real audience. If you only had 10 minutes to address each of the points, what would be the few most valuable experiences that you would choose for each point?

The key is to present your thoughts in an organized, well-flowing way. After reading your essay, your audience should be able to summarize the points presented. Make it easy for them - organize your thoughts, so that your brilliance and enthusiasm shines through.

Good luck! Please keep us updated!