help with my admission essay

[Ghala]

hi i am international student, i came to usa to study nursing english is not my native language and i know that my essay not good. could you please check and help me with the essay. i forget to say that my grade usually a's or b's accept one classes i retake it three time biol 190- the teacher was a nightmare, i never miss a class or lab. her exam was timed and i have an anxiety. i was not know about my time test anxiety until i visit a doctor. my father had a car accident and he was in comma and he pass a way last summer. now i am ok my gpa is 2.9 but i am afraid about my repeated curse.

this is my essay

i am a not lazy, slacker spoiled person. i am careful, idealistic, friendly, helping others and persistent refuse to give up. i always said to my self any goal in my life takes time tenacity, determination and consistent effort, i can achieve much,

when i was seven years old i used to play with sister and brother as they are a injured soldiers lying down randomly in the floor and i am the nurse that i take care of them and some times my sister holding their barbie's. and i am a pediatric nurse taking care to poor mom and her child.

my name is ghala awd, i am international students from saudi arabia (country with no women rights and i can't drive) . i came here to usa three years ago. i was working at king faisal hospital as appointment clerk; i started working there when i was twenty years old. my father family did not want me to work special at hospital because they do not want me to encounter with any men out said the family environment. my mom was always support me. my mom and dad believe that i am not doing some thing wrong and its ok to work in hospital, and i worked there for eleven years now. working at the hospital was the first steps to achieve my dre'am. during the eleven years i worked there i got three promotions. i started working as clerk ii after two years clerk i after one year i work as team leader responsible for eleven employees all of them was older than me 30-40 years old and guess what, all of them are men. i was so nerves and scared but i did it. i received two-recommendation letter one from my boss and one from the chairmen head of the family medicine. and that's made me qualified for the third promotion assistant supervisor, the candidates for that position was forty employees three female and the rest are male. some of the candidates are better than me hold a bachelor degree and some of them diploma. and get the position, so luck=opportunity + preparation+ persistence. during that time i met my husband he was team leader for oncology department. he heard about me and i am the only girls that team leader for a men and she is strong and independent. our married was unarranged marriage (i believe that's why its work very well). after a year from my marriage, princes who runs the hospital want to give scholarships to studying abroad for few staff, and was one of the specialties is nursing. when i read the announcement to my husband the opportunity to realize my dream to become a nurse after all these years.

my husband and me apply to scholarship and after many interviews and exams we be selected to study nursing in america.

oh, and my dream of 30 years will becomes true.

we came to america three years ago and i started taking english course at english language center at towson university. after a year and half i done with language center and i started taking full time academic classes. i was doing my best and never miss a class. i was doing will in the chemistry and most of classes except one class i retake it for three times biol 190. i didn't believe it. i really i don't know why i am not passing this class, i did my best always studying for it, coming to studying section, never miss any day. why i was doing ok with my other classes but biol i didn't do well after every thing i did. i remember my academic adviser at towson always said to me "think about changing your major" her words was hearting me a lot, when i go home i carry and said to my self "never give up" and i will never give up and that's why i apply to towson university nursing program. i believe one day i will reach my dream.

what do you think???

[iPink, BSN, RN]

Hi Ghala.

Just reading the first couple of sentences, I will advise you to sit with a counselor or English tutor because your essay is not up to par. It needs a lot of work as it is obvious English isn't your native language. The admissions department will be reading hundreds of essays, and it will still matter to them that your writing is up to standards.

An essay is a very important piece in the application process. It can make or break your admissions into the school.

[Ghala]

Hi Ghala.

Just reading the first couple of sentences, I will advise you to sit with a counselor or English tutor because your essay is not up to par. It needs a lot of work as it is obvious English isn't your native language. The admissions department will be reading hundreds of essays, and it will still matter to them that your writing is up to standards.

An essay is a very important piece in the application process. It can make or break your admissions into the school.

thank you for reading my essay, I will go to English tutor by next week

[boston13]

it sounds like you have worked very hard to get where you are and it seems like you have a compelling story to tell, but with your current writing skills you're going to have a tough time getting that story across. remember, the essay isn’t just a chance to tell your story; it’s also a test of your writing skills and your ability to communicate in a clear, concise manner.

definitely work with a native speaker or english tutor to help complete this essay, it really does need a lot of work. have you taken any writing or english classes in addition to the language center courses, such as "expository writing" or "english composition"? if not i would highly recommend taking one.

also, does your program require the toefl? if it does and you haven’t taken that yet, you should start preparing for it as soon as possible.

just remember, nursing programs are very competitive and there are many wonderful applicants that do not get in each year. you should definitely have a back-up plan in case you don’t get in, even if it’s something you pursue for a short time before trying again for nursing later on. good luck!