I am an RN extern on an L&D floor. Today was my 4th day on the floor (I had been in High risk OB for the last 6mos prior). At 15mins to 7p (end of shift) we get a pt coming up from triage...15yo, no heart tones. The charge nurse was taking her because we were full. The girl is in labor, all alone, scared. There are 5 nurses in there taking care of her. I'm trying to find heart tones (not knowing they couldn't find them in triage), couldn't get them no matter where I tried and I started getting a sinking feeling. Another nurse tries...no luck. MD does a US and 3 of us nurses are left, we all look at each other and the MD has to tell this poor scared alone girl that her baby has died. I just bit my tongue so as not to cry. I managed for about 2 mins and then walked out after the doctor. In the hall I was trying not to cry but when the doctor asked if I was ok I couldn't hold it in. I held my hands in my face and shook my head no. I went into an empty room and cried for a few secs, got my composure and went out to apologize to the doc and told her that was my first experience with a fetal demise. I knew it would happen at some point. I helped the other nurse move her to the area where we have fetal demise moms deliver and tried to comfort her. She was SO scared. I felt bad leaving at change of shift but there was nothing I could do for her at that point. She was with a good nurse after that. I just can't stop seeing how scared she was.
Now I'm thinking that I should not have shown my feelings like that in front of the MD. We were all upset, even the MD but no one outwardly cried. But I guess that is to be expected the first time. I'm sure it will get easier to "hide" my feelings until its "safe". I don't think it will ever be easy though.
Thanks for listening. I just needed to "tell" someone who understands.
Thank you all so much for your understanding and advice. I feel much better about my reaction. I now know that my reaction was completely normal and expected.
Fetal demises' never get any easier, you can never fully be emotionally prepared as every family and experience is different. I don't think there has ever been a demise that hasn't made me cry for one reason or another. Whether it is for a family who is devasted about the loss and doesn't want to let their baby go, or the crack addict mom who doesn't care/want to hold their child as his/her heart slowly stops beating, it always get to me.
I have cried as I held someone's else's tiny angel (because they would not) who was not viable but still had a beating heart, not wanting that child to die being all alone. Every human deserves to feel valued and loved no matter how old they are. I have experienced that situation twice, and I never want to do it again.
One other isolated situation that absolutely broke my heart was a full term demise, a beautiful baby girl. The parents were in total denial that their baby would not be born alive. After I delivered the baby and put her up on moms chest as she had asked, she tried to give her baby mouth-to-mouth breathing thinking she could bring her back to life. I cried and dreamed about that one for weeks after. I will never forget the anguish and pain I could feel from those parents, it wasn't like any other I have experienced.
Okay...enough, sorry I started to ramble. I am just very passionate about taking care of my demise families because I have personally experienced several losses myself and can relate to what they are going through. A caring and compassionate nurse can make all the difference.
dont worry, I had my very first one LAST week, 39 weeker, G1P0, IUFD as well. No fetal heart tones in the MD office the day prior.
I cried after I got report from the night shift, i really didnt think i would be able to care for her and the family. I mean, it was their first child, and the patient had NO risk factors. Anyways, of course she was complete, and comfortable, when I came on shift. The doc wanted me to start pushing when the pt started to feel pressure.
luckily, my staff was real supportive and offered numerous times to help, even though they had their own assignments. So we started to push (eventually after an hour) all of a sudden, mom had one good push and I delivered her WITHOUT the MD. It was obvious, baby was strangled with a nuchal x2. It was so sad. I was in shock, i called for help immediately (i had no idea she would deliver that quick with that one push). The MD and other RNs came in to assist, but the MD was upset that he wasnt there for the actual delivery..
anyways, it was the worst experience. The patient shed less tears than I did, but i was there for them when they needed me to b. Their daughter was so beautiful.
anways, this is the worst aspect of our jobs. but your tears do show you care. i never thought i would have survived that day...
Specializes in Pediatric Psychiatry, Home Health VNA.
I was 17 when my I lost my son unexpectedly at 39.5 weeks and I will NEVER forget the compassion my nurses displayed. Six years later I still remember their names and everything about that night, including the fact that they stayed with me long after their shifts ended to be there for my delivery and that they cried with me at many points during the night. I was so full of emotion I didn't know which way was up. I felt like I had to be strong for my parents, especially my dad who fell apart sobbing and screaming on his knees and had to be escorted out by those nurses...I was confused and scared, and to see tears welling up in their eyes let me know it was okay for me to cry and be sad. They never judged me and they were so gentle and warm. They respected what I wanted and advocated for me on every level. I will forever be grateful to them. That was the worst night of my life but these two nurses somehow managed to give me comfort and a sense of peace. A nurse that can hold my hand and shed a tear with me is the nurse I want with me in my darkest hour.
The day you stop crying is the day you should leave that position.
We have a nurse who still gets teary at every birth, and she's been on our unit for almost 20 years. I hope I still love my position and patients that much when I've been doing it for that long.:)
From personal experience, I respected and found comfort from nurses who became teary-eyed when I delivered my 25 weeker who subsequently had a bilateral grade IV intraventricular hemorrhage. We held her for what we thought was the first and last time, although she did survive. . .but only after many months in the NICU. (Now at age 22, is severely, multiply disabled and medically fragile).
The nurses that supported us through those first horrific days were ones that I became more trusting of later on. Those that seemed to be unaffected by our grief were those that I was more wary of later on.
I am now an RN - as far away from the NICU (for personal ethical reasons) as I can possibly get, but I certainly do remember when I was a patient in that position and how nurses that showed emotion were those we came to trust. Don't be beating yourself up for this. .it shows a caring nurse that I would want to have if I were ever again in that situation.
Definitely ok to cry, it shows that you care. I've had several demises and cried almost every time.
A while back I had a mom come in to deliver her 1st baby-not a demise but her husband was in a very tragic (and very preventable) accident just 6 weeks prior. He was killed instantly. Her mom was with her and she had an 8x10 wedding picture in the window (they had just gotten married within the last year). I tried so hard at first not to cry because the pt had requested to her doc that nobody talk about it. After she started pushing I couldn't help it, she was crying and frustrated and sad and excited, as was her mom. How can you not be emotional too?
These are the moments that pull at our heart strings and I think God makes our assignments those days. Like it or not, he picks the best nurse for that particular pt and whether you realize it or not at the time you will always have a special place in that family's heart for sharing that memory with them.
I'm a pre-nursing student lurking in this section to get some ideas about different fields of nursing I might like. I'm responding because I've had a stillbirth, and I can tell you, it absolutely was a good thing to see emotion on the nurses and the doctor. The doctor didn't cry, but he came in the next couple days on his days off to see me, called me at home to see how I was doing, etc. The nurse who was there when we found out my son had died was crying with my mom outside of the room (I found this out later) and she actually hugged me when her shift was over. In the post-partum unit, there was a mixed bag. There were the nurses who kinda wanted to act like nothing bad had happened, and then the ones who you could tell were really heartbroken for me. There was one who actually had lost an older child and a husband, who sat down and talked to me about the grieving process, and she really made a huge difference in the course of my emotional recovery. I think I will remember her forever, because she was like an angel to me. Most people don't know what to say unless they've been through it, and that's okay. But to act like nothing happened, or that it wasn't upsetting, is VERY upsetting for the person who's soul has just been ripped apart.
Also wanted to add, because of some comments about not holding the baby - I chose not to hold my son because I honestly just don't think I'd be able to keep my sanity if I'd seen him like that. It wasn't because I was wanting to forget, or in denial, or anything remotely like that, just what I needed to do for me to heal the best way that I could. The nurses were all worried about me because they thought I wasn't dealing with his loss. Nothing could've been further from the truth, and thankfully one nurse (the one I mentioned above who was like an angel) understood that it was what I needed and so they stopped bothering me about it.
They did put together a box with some pictures and a blanket and hat, but we didn't take it. I didn't want to see the picture, I just couldn't do it, and the blanket and hat just didn't mean anything to me. But I really really really regret that they didn't give me a lock of his hair or handprints or footprints. So in case anyone is reading this, wondering what to do in that situation... at least make the hair and foot/handprints available.
Hi nocheapones, and welcome aboard to AN! :) Glad you decided to come out of lurkdom and post here. And, thanks for sharing your experience with the loss of a baby. I cannot imagine the heartbreak. Hugs to you.
I cannot believe nobody made footprints for you! Depending on your son's gestational age and whether he had a lot of hair to work with, the lock of hair may not have been possible. I don't know. At my place, if baby has enough hair, Mom gets a lock. But foot & handprints are standard. We do that for everybody, even if we do it shaking and fighting back tears so we can see what we're doing.
Thanks for sharing w/ us a most painful part of your life. :icon_hug:
My son was 36 weeks, 7 lb. 12 oz. My biggest baby (I had a son prior, and a daughter since then.) I didn't see him, but my husband and mother have and described him to me, and they said that he had about the same amount of hair as my first-born. Which wasn't a whole lot, but enough to get a little bit of hair. I do really miss the footprints and handprints too, I would love to have some physical part of him to keep.
Another thing I want to add to this thread, just to let you all know how important you are to the moms, even a pregnancy after a stillbirth is really difficult. Understanding the reason for maybe seeming irrationally afraid and being supportive is so important. It was the good nurses I had through my pregnancies (first was a preemie and spent time in NICU, second still-born, third complicated because of prior stillbirth and history of blood clots plus VBACing), that led me here and inspired this career path that I am pursuing.
eandgsma
176 Posts
Thank you all so much for your understanding and advice. I feel much better about my reaction. I now know that my reaction was completely normal and expected.
Thanks again!!! :icon_hug:
- N