The Very Unofficial, Irreverent Nursing FAQ

Published Nov 30, 2001

667 Posts

Q. What is Nursing?

A. Nursing is the fine art of caring for patients who know everything. Nurses spend years of their life honing their clinical skills and expanding their knowledge base so that when presented with a clinical problem, the patient can tell them not to worry, they have something in the medicine cabinet at home to take care of that.... Nursing also requires tremendous skill in filling water pitchers and adjusting bedside televisions.

Q. Do nurses always respect the Doctor?

A. Absolutely (Tee-hee)

Q. Nursing School is all about making beds and emptying bedpans, right?

A. Yes. The primary function of nursing school is to instill a sense of pride in forming *perfect* corners at the bottom of the bed. In my years of nursing practice I've also taken pride in my bedpan emptying skills. All those lectures on physiology, biochemistry, anatomy, pharmacology, psychology and etc. were primarily to kill time between bed bath classes.

Q. How do nurses keep their uniforms so white?

A. I'd tell you but I'd have to kill you.

Q. Are women in hospitals all nurses? Are all men Doctors?

A. Yes. We do that so you'll know the difference.

Q. Will the nurse fluff my pillow?

A. Yes, he will.

Q. Why do I always have to wait for the nurse to come into my room?

A. There are two possible causes for the nurse not coming to the room immediately. First, you may not be using the call bell enough. Try hitting the call bell as soon as the nurse leaves the room. Nurses love the feeling of being needed that this evokes. Second, the nurse may not have enough patients to keep his/her attention focused solely on you. Please let the nurse know that you'd like his/her undivided attention for the entire shift.

Q. How do nurses read Doctor's handwriting?

A. Years of meditation and incantations. Experience in reading sheep entrails is helpful before trying our skills on Doctors' handwriting.

Q. Nurse...what should I do? It hurts when I do this.

A. Don't do that.

Q. Why are Nurses frequently seen with pizza boxes at the Nurses Station?

A. A Pepperoni Pizza supplies all of the four basic food groups, the dairy group, the bread group, vegetable group and the meat group.

Q. Why are Nurses never actually seen eating the pizza?

A. Nurses don't actually have time to eat; they just wish to be good role models for Healthy Nutrition.

This FAQ is based on years of unscientific research and in no way should be taken seriously.

Circa: 1997 Cybernurse