need some help and opinions

[Rena RN 2003]

i'm not sure how i'm supposed to be feeling right now.

you see, i'm a nurse tech. i was in on my first code today. i'm thinking the lady isn't going to make it.

when i called for the nurse the bring the cart and call the code, everything went smoothly. we all tried our best. i switched off between compressions and bagging.

i just don't know what to "feel" now that i'm home. i know we did everything we could. this lady was fine and on the BSC one minute, then i assisted her to sit on the side of the bed, then she starts with very rapid breathing. said she just needed air. i called for help and laid the woman back but by then she was gasping, radial pulse weak but carotid still strong. 10 sec later, no resp. called code blue.

within 3 minutes she was "gone" but we initiated cpr and kept it up til squad came.

i'm just.........oh damn......i just don't know. i think i just keep rolling it over and over in my mind.

[Sleepyeyes]

I loved working with my CLOP, and for many years, was disturbed when I "lost one."

Now, I think, maybe that was selfish of me, to want them to stay around past "their time." Where are they now? In a place where there is no more pain, no more tears, no more missing their loved ones....I know, if it was me, which I'd prefer.

Now, I think as I remember special chats or certain moments:

They were here and enriched my life for knowing them. I'm glad I was a part of their lives for a time. It was an honor to serve them.

[CaliNurse]

It will get easier. I remember my first code. It was 6:30am and her name was Margaret. We had just left her room (last rounds) and she was next to the station. The next time I passed her door she was on the floor.

Now, 12 years later the only thing I remember is her name and she well care for. It was her time.

Keep you chin up, when he calls, we answer.

Cali

[jschut, BSN, RN]

{{{HUGS}}} to you Rena.....

[Rena RN 2003, RN]

thank you all. :)

[whipping girl in 07, RN]

Rena, it doesn't get any easier, but I understand how you feel. I remember the first time I had a patient code. He'd had a CABG the day before (I was still in orientation). He had been awake and alert for most of the night, even though he was still on the vent. But he started gettting a little foggy around 4 am, very slow to follow commands. Then during shift change (around 6:50) he went asystole. We brought him back, but he never woke up again, and literally rotted away in the ICU, on the vent, zillion drips, had another surgery (abd, I believe), and coded twice more. Finally after 3 weeks of suffering, the family decided to let him go.

On the other hand, I had a patient who coded twice in a month (during two different hospital admissions) and walked out of the hospital once again. What everyone else has said seems to be true...when it's their time to go, there's nothing we can do to save them. And if it's not their time, we'll bring them back.

[mark_LD_RN]

I can remeber all the codes i have been too I is a very normal feeling to question what you did or could havedone differently. don't dwell on it to hard. I can not honestly say it get easier, but you do learn to deal with it and put it in proper perspective easier with experience.

some codes or worst than others , i find it especially hard when i have developed a relationship with the patient over time or if they were young. since i do not tend to give up easily I tend to take it kinda harder than i should. I once coded a pregnant women after a car wreck, we lost both mom and baby. I can still see her till this day. but i now know we did everything possible. and it was just not in big plan of things for her to make it. Ihad to leave work after that and i took 3 days sick leave after it to recover. go luck and hang in there