Do nurses tend to be enablers?

FolksBtrippin, BSN, RN · Jun 21, 2018

The commonly accepted definition of an enabler, as in codependency, is someone who in some way shields a person from consequences, or encourages the continuance of an addiction or other bad behavior. Someone who continues to loan money that themselves need for retirement, not getting paid back, because they are afraid of not being liked, surely falls into that category. If the friend makes suicidal comments if she doesn't get said loan, in order to guilt trip the person into doing what she want, that's definitely the unhealthy codependent relationship that people refer to with that terminology.
The question of the thread was, are nurses more prone to this?

"Enabling" is 1980s psychobabble. The idea that some people "enable" drug addicts is a bunch of crap. It is harmful to family members and friends of addicts because it perpetuates the falsehood that you can stop or slow down someone else's addiction by not enabling and that you will speed it up or continue it by enabling. This is false.

Recently, means of helping drug addicts and their families have been researched. These do not include the concept of enabling. The research does not support the ideas perpetuated by the enabiling concept.

Furthermore, your friend is not enabling by loaning her friend money, unless the friend is spending it on drugs.

The blunt truth is that the fact that you think you know better on how she should manage her money points to a problem in you.

And anyone can have that kind of problem. It's not unique to nurses.

macawake, MSN · Jun 21, 2018

What you're describing isn't enabling.
But I don't really feel like arguing that point too hard, because enabling is a bs self help concept; not evidence based and not effective in helping family members and friends to cope with a loved one's addiction or other problem behavior.

"Enabling" is 1980s psychobabble. The idea that some people "enable" drug addicts is a bunch of crap.

The term enabling seems to trigger a rather emotional response with you. Is this personal?

The blunt truth is that the fact that you think you know better on how she should manage her money points to a problem in you.

Are you upset at Emergent for her posts in this thread? Am I reading this wrong?

Furthermore, your friend is not enabling by loaning her friend money, unless the friend is spending it on drugs.

That's a very narrow definition. Does it have to be drugs? What if the "friend" has 7,242 bottles of nail polish at home and she still has a compulsive need to buy more? Obviously no one needs that much nail polish. Would you agree with me that a person who keeps lending this person money, money that person doesn't have the will or ability to pay back, is actually doing the nail polish hoarder a disservice? Aye or nay?

A coworker yesterday was distracted by a drama with a friend. She had refused to loan her car to the friend, so the friend started texting how she would be better off dead, was a waste of a space, etc. It came out that this friend had done this before, my coworker had caved in. She's repeatedly loaned money without getting repaid, the friend manipulates her with these histrionics and has done so for years.

This coworker is over 70 and is still working, to pay off "one more big bill" and because she loves nursing, so she's not rolling in money.

Emergent described a woman who is still working despite being over 70 years old. She's still working at an age when most people have been able to retire. She's still working because according to her, she has one more "big bill" to pay off before she can retire. Does this sound like a person who can easily afford to lend money to someone, in effect gifting it since she won't get repaid. Logically, every dollar she gives her friend instead of paying off her debt, will push her retirement further into the future.

The so called friend texts things like she'd be "better off dead" and that she's " a waste of space", in order to get what she wants. Does this sound like healthy interaction to you?

Don't apply the term enabling to this situation if you disapprove of it, but how can you not see that this relationship appears unhealthy? Would it worry or concern you at all if a person you care about had a relationship like the one described? Personally, I'd worry that my friend or loved one was being taken advantage of and that they were giving away money that they would soon need for themselves. Few people are physically able to just keep on working year after year. She will have to retire at some point. The question is what shape she'll be in financially when retirement can no longer be postponed.

DanidelionRN, BSN, RN · Jun 22, 2018

I think that the nurse in the original post is not just an enabler, but she suffers from a lack of personal boundaries in her relationships. It probably exists in all her relationships,not just that one. When you allow other people's wants and desires to run over your needs and healthy boundaries, it isn't good for you. The reality is, we are all only responsible for ourselves, our choices, actions, reactions, thoughts, and feelings. We are not responsible for other people's actions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, or choices.

This manipulative friend has learned that if she uses guilt as a weapon, she can control the nurse friend and get what she wants. She doesn't have to be responsible for herself, take care of her own problems and responsibilities, because if things are difficult or she needs something all she has to do is convince this nurse to give in.

Every time that this nurse gives in, she only reinforces the behavior of the needy friend and does "enable" her to continue to live her life without consequences for her actions.

I don't really know if this is particularly more prevalent among nurses, but I do think it is more prevalent based on people's personal experiences in childhood and relationships growing up, and how they were taught to treat people. Someone who is taught to always be compliant, and that their needs are selfish or unimportant, becomes a doormat and has more difficulty sticking up for themselves.

I highly recommend your friend read the book Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It is fantastic.

Have Nurse, ADN, RN · Jun 24, 2018

A coworker yesterday was distracted by a drama with a friend. She had refused to loan her car to the friend, so the friend started texting how she would be better off dead, was a waste of a space, etc. It came out that this friend had done this before, my coworker had caved in. She's repeatedly loaned money without getting repaid, the friend manipulates her with these histrionics and has done so for years. This coworker is over 70 and is still working, to pay off "one more big bill" and because she loves nursing, so she's not rolling in money . The friend is 20 years younger.
My coworker said that the friend was really fun and she cared about her. She said she really needs to be liked. I suggested that she was an enabler. She said, well, you know how we nurses are...
I told her that I am not like that at all! I would never stay friends with someone who wants to repeatedly borrow money, let alone not pay it back! I hate drama and inconsiderate people! I've had my better nature taken advantage of in the past and learned from it that I don't like it and don't want users in my life.
So what do you think, do nurses tend to be enablers?

I think she needs a new "friend." That person is a parasite.