Not really miserable but... - page 2
I graduated in May, took the NCLEX June 20th and have been working on a telemetry unit since June 25th. I had a pretty good 8 week orientation and my preceptors said I was doing well and my ANM has... Read More
Oct 23, '07Joined: May '04; Posts: 1,242; Likes: 288Quote from jjjoyGreat post, so true JJJOY! I know I did/do feel indebted to hubby for somewhat supporting me through school, part of him feels like this is 'payback time'. And I guess I feel that way too. I am trying to look at it a different way though besides through guilt laden glasses..Now I think I really just love him and want to provide him things just as he provides for me. Plus, we do have shared financial goals, as well. The things he wants, for the most part, I want to. But I won't be miserable. So I am going in with positive thinking but if it does not work out again this time than so be it. He will just have to deal with that. He has said he is OK with that. He'd love for me to love it and make $$ but for the most part he wants what is best for me. I think when it comes down to it he'd rather me make less $$ but be happy. Because of depression, I had been unhappy for so long that it really didn't matter what profession I was in...it was the depression talking. He just wants a happy wife, lol. But I know I did feel pressure to find a career, to "figure it out", to start 'pulling my weight'. But if we made a courageous choice and it happened to be the wrong one, well, oh well, aren't we allowed to MAKE MISTAKES? Think of it that way. If nursing is not for me, well, IT IS NOT FOR ME and you know what? I am done apologizing for that. It just is what it is. For you Laura, I think you might find your chronic discontent leaving you once the meds kick in. If not, and you still feel empty and realize nursing isn't what you thought, please don't feel bad or think you have to apologize for yourself. We have to learn to be kind and forgiving to ourselves!!! I am trying to be my own best friend. What would I say to a friend??It's perfectly okay to not have big ambitions or goals. Is anyone telling you it's not okay? Yourself? Your parents (via your memory or in real life)? Your husband? Your friends?
Do you HAVE to work? Is it a financial necessity for you to work full-time? Do you or your husband feel you "owe" him for supporting you these past years? Have you felt pressured to pursue a career? It's hard to feel excited about someone else's goals. For me, I'd be a ball of tightly repressed resentment... but that's me... I've had my own struggles so this is just my angle.
Good for you for taking action. Whether or not antidepressants help, keep on trying different things as once you find a way through this darkness, it will be worth the struggle.
"flaked out" "supported my butt" "pull my own weight" ... these are some pretty negative descriptions you have about yourself... who is the one who judges what is "flaking out" versus "making a courageous career change" or "supporting your butt" versus "sharing responsibilities and resources" etc? Seeing a counselor or attending a support group might help you find ways to value yourself regardless of your professional successes or failures (redirections? adventures?).
Making mistakes is a major stress point in nursing, especially for newbies. A supportive work environment can really help here. Seek out anyone who can be a cheerleader for you, who gives you good feedback without making you feel bad. If you can't find any in your workplace, it may well be that it's simply not a good fit for you on that unit. New nurses need support - they can't just keep to themselves, keep their head down, and hope no one notices them, as may work in some types of jobs to just get by (teaching is another job where this tactic doesn't work). Your husband may not understand this... but it's more important that YOU understand it.
Would you want your child to be so miserable as you are? Give yourself a break for not being perfect or following a hoped for trajectory. You are just as important and deserving of acceptance and support in triumph and struggle as your child. Take care of yourself as you would your child. You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of your child. Best wishes to you. I hope the sun comes out soon for you!
Good Luck girl!
Oct 23, '07Occupation: Registered Nurse, Case Manager Specialty: Telemetry/CCU/Home Health ; From: US ; Joined: Feb '07; Posts: 66; Likes: 11As I sit here reading your post, I feel like I could have wrote it myself! I also graduated in May, and have been working since July 9th on a very hectic, inner city telemetry hospital unit. I feel so depressed and empty, like you. I actually hate going to work..but I also don't enjoy being home either at this point. Here's a few reasons I have been thinking about:
-I spent the last 4 years of my life getting an education to get abused by patients, families, doctors and especially the CNA's.
-I am working night shift just so I can manage the flow of the floor, it is impossible during the day (multiple d/c, admissions, procedures, 10+ order changes every day on some patients), but as a result I am tired all of the time
-I am a non-confrontational type, so I feel like a doormat that does not stand up for myself, and I am told if I don't grow some you know whats, I am never going to make it as a nurse....well I am having a tough time with that! I makes me feel like crap about myself.
I was a single mother almost my entire time of being in school, and it was really hard to get here, now that I am here, I hate it. I don't even feel like getting out of bed on my days off now.....
My heart goes out to you, but PLEASE know, you are not alone!! I think being a new nurse is a huge culture shock, I am hoping someday we find a way to like it.:icon_hug: